Many couples face tension when one partner is childfree by choice while the other hopes they’ll change their mind. These situations often bring up issues of boundaries, financial struggles, and respect in relationships.
Hello Bright Side,
So here’s some backstory: I grew up poor, hand-me-downs from cousins that were already falling apart. My parents worked very hard, but it was still never enough, and as the oldest, I basically raised my siblings. Babysitting, cooking, making sure homework got done, you name it. I didn’t get to have much of a childhood because I was always “mom #2.”
That’s a big reason I decided early on that I don’t want kids. Ever. I’ve done the diapers, the crying at 2 am, the “sorry you don’t get to hang out with your friends because someone has to watch the baby.” Been there, hated that.
Fast forward: I’m in my mid-20s now, living with my boyfriend. I love him. He’s kind, funny, and we click on so many levels. But he has this idea that I’ll eventually “change my mind” about kids. I’ve told him straight-up: no, I won’t. I don’t want to repeat the cycle of poverty, and honestly, I just want to live for myself for once. We’re both working, but we barely cover bills as is. A kid would break us financially and mentally.
Raising your brothers and sisters as totally different and having a child everyone
The love the respect the gratitude the tears the fears the love I don't expect you to change your mind I just wanted you to know what you're missing out on and if you and your friend cannot agree on this matter now that is better to park ways
One day, he called, super excited: “I have a big surprise, I adopted a puppy for you.” I never saw that coming. His reasoning? He wanted me to “see how caring for someone else could change my mind.” I’m not anti-puppy, but I’m definitely not okay with a living creature being used as some kind of experiment to push me toward having kids.
DEALBREAKER. He wants kids. You do not. Neither of you is wrong you just want different things. End relationship that can go nowhere
Now I feel stuck. I love him, but this feels like he’s not taking me seriously. It feels like my boundaries are being ignored. Bright Side, what do I do here? Is this a huge red flag or just an annoying misstep? Would you stay and try to work through it, or is this one of those deal-breaker moments?
Thank you in advance,
Ava.
How can you love someone who is dismissive of your choice to not have children? You ALREADY KNOW HOW TO CARE FOR "SOMEONE". I would not trust him to make sure that you don't "accidentally" get pregnant. Holes in the condoms, messing with your BC pills etc... You need to find someone that will AGREE WITH & RESPECT YOUR CHOICES. It's up to you NOT HIM, REMEMBER THAT!
Love is not enough. Sounds like he wants kids. You do not. Better to leave the relationship now than end up resenting each other because neither of you plans to change your mind. Which is FINE. You just want different things. I knew when I was 15 I didn't want to have kids even though I loved babysitting for my neighbors. When I was dating I let the guy know and that ended a number of potential relationships. When you want different things and there is no middle ground you move forward. Maybe you'll meet someone in the future; maybe you won't. Llisten to your gut and stay strong in your beliefs. If you change your mind when you're older there are always openings for foster parents.
Think carefully about what is important in your life. Now he has fixed a puppy and it can be compared to a small child... The next step for him will be to make sure that you get pregnant suddenly.
Keep an eye on your pills so that he doesn't ruin them by putting them in the microwave... Oh yes, you can make them useless that way. The only way to be safe is to sterilize yourself. Then you are safe...
The risk is that he gets someone else pregnant and either leaves you or wants custody of the child. Even if he gets 50/50 custody, you will be the one who has to do the work... So think about it, do you want to stay or maybe build a life that you want without someone who thinks completely differently from you?
I agree with you, but you should not tell people how to make BC pills useless on a public forum. But I get why you did.
You are not in the same relationship. To be honest you will never work out. Wanting or not wanting children is always a deal breaker. Face it now.
Well you were honest with him from the beginning. You had a traumatized none childhood. Your still young one day you might or might not change your mind. One day he will leave you when he's ready to become a Father or you might leave him because you see he still wants children and you don't
The two of you do not have compatible goals in life. Cut him loose.
If this young man wants child, then he needs to move on to a relationship with someone who shares that goal. He can't force you to change for his wants. You have been honest with him, it's now on him to figure out which is more important -- you or kids. He can't have both.
If he wants to stay with you he needs to accept the fact that you don't want children or move on. If he chooses to stay he need know children is not a topic for discussion period.
This is a deal breaker. It is not fair to give him hope or for you to feel forced. Move on. Sorry.
What your BF did was manipulative, but you staying with him is wasting his time. You are both looking for something that the other one won't give and should not be pushed into accepting. Move on so that you can both find what you want and need in a partner. You did your "PARENTING" when you were a child and he probably has no idea what being a poor (emotionally and financially) parent means. Having a child together would be cruel for any children in this relationship. Live your best life and wish him well and go your separate ways, without blaming each other for their own desires. God Bless you both and good luck.
Ava, introducing a pet into your household should have been a joint decision. You can start there with the discussion. Btw, Veterinarians can cost in the thousands when caring for an animal. No means no, and he didn’t respect your boundaries. Your multiple discussions about this will be loud.
I'm sorry, but I agree with the other comments. He will grow to resent you. I truly hope you find someone that thinks like you. Good like to both of you.
You barely make ends meet. My dog costs me $144.00 a month. He's only seven pounds - he's my son's service animal. I have carpal tunnel and can't brush the dog - he's a pomaranian - so he has two coats. He gets weekly grooming we get a discount so that's $20.00 a month $30.00 every three months because he requires a bath- because I can't and neither can my son. His vet insurance is $35.00 dollars a month. His dry food is $21.00 a month. His nail trimming is $10.00 a month. His wet food is $21.00 a month. Treats are $10.00 a month. His flea, tick, and heartworm pill is $37.00 a month. That doesn't include his yearly shots. Because his dog food is high end at 15 he has no cataracts, no hearing loss, no vision loss, has 90% of his teeth, no joint pain or arthritis, his organs are in very good shape - but he's not cheap to maintain - and I'm lucky I can afford him. You don't want to know the cost between 5 months and 18 months were I had puppy, beginning, intermediate, and advanced dog training. Puppy, beginning, intermediate, and advanced agility training. Puppy, beginning, intermediate, and advanced service training. Training for plane, boat, car, bus, and every other situation he might be put in, plus he'd be going to school with my son so he had to ignore every other human and NO barking.
You need to dump this guy!
Not dump him necessarily but friendszone him
Thank you so much for sharing your story, Ava! It takes courage to open up about something so personal. We really wanted to honor that by gathering a few pieces of advice that might give you different perspectives. Hopefully, something here helps you feel a little more supported and less alone.
While these situations can be challenging, open communication and mutual respect can help couples find common ground. With understanding and honesty, it’s possible to honor each other’s choices and strengthen the relationship.
Read next — “I Refused to Be Blamed for Not Giving My MIL a Grandchild, but She Was Hiding Something Big”
Keep the dog and kick him to the curb I'm the same did not want kids had to many late nights with my sibs my ex did want kids. I left him when he wanted me to watch his nieces for a month while the parents went on their honeymoon that was my breaking point I also ask him if he would help but said no . So I said no and to pack his stuff and stay at his sister till they got back.
Wow ... I'm totally pro having kids, I've got 3, but I dont think everyone has to be. You need to ditch this guy ASAP. And his little dog, too.
Time to cut your losses and move on.
This guy is NEVER going to be OK with the OP's decision to be child-free.
So she has 3 choices....... she can move on to someone who accepts her choice to be child-free ....... she can waste years in a relationship with a guy trying to manipulate and maneuver and pressure her into having a kid ...... or she can fold and allow herself to be pressured into having a kid she never wanted to have to make this guy happy.
I agree with the people saying they need to break up. It isn't fair to her that so much pressure is being put on her to have kids, but it also isn't fair to him to keep him from having descendants.
Everyone's acting like he's the bad guy for wanting kids. He's not. He is the bad guy for bringing a puppy into the situation without talking to her first, though.
Having children and wanting to have children is as much a valid choice as being child-free. This situation isn't fair to either of them and they need to either come to some kind of agreement (that makes them both happy) or they need to go their separate ways.
Also, I have to ask. How is she not pressuring him into not having kids? The man obviously wants kids, but when he tries to express that, he gets labeled as manipulative and controlling. Again, the move with the puppy was wrong. But constantly talking about kids? That's no different than her always responding with "I want to be child-free". He's expressing what he wants.
Just, bottom line, they need to have a serious discussion where BOTH of them are heard and decide how they're going to handle this.
