My Husband Wanted an “Open” Marriage, But Now He’s the One Having Problems

People choose open marriages for all kinds of reasons, and for some families, this arrangement can actually work. But what happens when one partner is on board and the other isn’t? One of our readers wrote in to share her story. Let’s just say, it was quite the emotional roller coaster for both her and her husband.

Here’s Jessica’s letter to us.

Jessica, 36, recently opened up to our editorial team about her rocky family situation, curious to know if others would back her decision to teach her husband a harsh—yet, in her eyes, well-deserved—lesson.

Hi Bright Side,

I’m 36 and married to Dan, who was my world up until now. We run a successful business together, have a very nice house, and have three adorable kids. All was going well in my near-perfect life until Dan shocked me. My husband of 10 years suddenly decided he wanted to “open” our marriage. We were college sweethearts and have only been with each other, but Dan felt that he had missed out on “bachelor life.”

He wanted us to be open to the idea of multiple partners and was very insistent, saying he needed to do this to be able to stay in the marriage. I hated the idea but went along for the sake of our family. Dan decided to go around with a colleague of his. When I got a handsome boyfriend, my husband got very jealous.

His girlfriend was okay, but not a raving beauty, and Dan didn’t appreciate that I had a partner who looked much better than him. Plus, my partner sent me expensive gifts, which my husband didn’t like. This went on for a while, with Dan getting more and more depressed.

Out of the blue, Dan came and said he needed to talk to me. I was horrified when he began to sob, saying he had made a mistake and wanted to go back to the way things were. Shockingly, he now wants a “closed” marriage, but I told him that now I liked things in the new direction and didn’t want to do what he wanted.

Jessica then revealed a twist to the story.

The thing is, I never had another partner. The “boyfriend” was my gym instructor, who was more than happy to play along, and the “expensive gifts” were all bought by me and sent as a surprise.

I wanted my husband to realize that what we had was something very special, and that his idea of an open marriage could potentially ruin our family for good. I am still angry at him for going around with another woman, but this is something I can potentially work through. After all, I did give him permission to do so.

Dan doesn’t know all this, of course, and is now earnestly trying to persuade me to get rid of his partner, as he already broke up with his. He even confessed that things did not even reach the bedroom, and somehow he couldn’t follow through. He’s now being very romantic, buying me gifts and taking me out, and showing his love the way he used to before.

However, she feels a little guilty about tricking him.

I like the fact that he’s almost groveling to get me back, of course. That said, I do love him, and I’m feeling a little bad about the trick that I played on him, wondering if I need to come clean or just let things continue like this. I’m liking how I taught him a lesson, just wondering if we should begin with a clean slate.

Do you have any advice for me, Bright Side?

Jessica

Thank you for writing to us, Jessica. We appreciate your candor, and laud the way you handled things. Here’s what we think you can do.

• Come clean with the truth: Even though you might be tempted to continue with the lies, it can ultimately erode trust and increase issues between couples. You might want to sit your husband down and have a long conversation with him, telling him about what you did, and the reasons behind it. Being truthful might hurt at first, and he may even lash out, but honesty might be the best policy when it comes to couples.
• Lay down your boundaries: It’s also time to ensure that your husband knows that your marriage is unlikely to survive another event like this, and he cannot pressure or force you into making such decisions. Holding the marriage over your head was akin to blackmail, and you need to let him know what you felt about this whole exercise, clearly.
• Choose your own mental health and happiness: While you did give in to your husband’s demands, and managed to teach him a lesson, it’s also time you learned how to assert yourself the next time there’s a conflict. Bowing down and agreeing to something you did not want, for the sake of your family, may not be healthy for you in the long run. It may give rise to resentment, which isn’t healthy for you or your family.
• You might want to seek marriage counseling: Going for couples therapy may sound a little extreme to you, now that things are going fine, but it may help you to wipe off any inner hurt and resentment, and make a fresh start. An impartial listener can help you delve into what really went wrong, and where, to start healing the marriage.

Here’s another story about a woman who got so fed-up with her husband’s antics, she dumped him during their dream vacation.