My MIL Said I’m a Failure Because I Refused to Be a “Traditional Wife”

8 hours ago

Dealing with in-laws is never easy, especially when their beliefs don’t match your own. In today’s story, one woman opens up about standing her ground and choosing a career path that goes against her husband’s family’s traditional values, and the challenges that came with it.

She wrote:

So my husband comes from a “traditional” family. Mum’s a stay-at-home woman, and father is the sole provider. I come from the opposite — my mother pretty much forbade me from ever being financially dependent on a man and drilled that into me early on.

My husband worked hard to unlearn the values he saw replicated at home. He (often more than) pulled his weight at home, and was an engaged and present father and a genuine partner. The one thing that grinds my gears is how much weight he puts on the opinions of his family. I get that we all want our parents to be proud of us, but this is too much.

My in-laws are staying with us for 2 weeks. Our usual MO is, I prep breakfast, we all eat lunch at work/school, and my husband makes dinner. We have a cleaner, but she’s on holiday, so in the meantime we’re DIYing the cleaning where it’s down to everyone to keep their space clean and common spaces we all clean. This is how we’ve always done it, and it works.

My ILs hate that I’m “one of those modern women.” They hate that I work, they hate that I don’t find my purpose in being a wife and mother, and they hate that my husband pulls his weight at home. We spoke pretty frankly early on, where I established my boundaries and told them I wouldn’t be chastised about how I live my life in my home. When I am a guest in their home, I accommodate their ways and play the DIL they wish I was. They have for the most part respected this.

I got home yesterday after work, tired and starving. I typically get home at 18:15/30, and we eat at 19:00. I said quick hellos and ran up for a pre-dinner shower. When I came down, I went to the kitchen to help set up for dinner and found nothing ready.

I asked my husband about it, but he wouldn’t look at me, and his mother answered that he hadn’t cooked anything. She told me I needed to do my duty as a wife and cook for my family. My cowardly husband still wasn’t looking at me.

I just walked away and ordered a takeaway. I dished up for me and my kids, and we sat at the table to eat. My husband and his parents served themselves and joined us.

My MIL was still going on about what was wrong with me and why I was a failure. I asked my husband if he had anything to say. He said his mother had a point, and it wouldn’t hurt if I acted “more like a proper woman” and “took better care of my home and children.” He said tradition was tradition for a reason, and it was kind of insulting that I thought I was too good for how he was raised.

This is where I might be the inconsiderate one. I told him tradition won’t allow a man on 35k to support a family of 5, and he was too broke to be so sexist. He looked hurt, and I saw tears welling in his eyes. He excused himself from the table.

I regret saying this in front of our children, but his saying that to me after I’m cleaning up his mess on top of having to deal with his parents was too much for me.

People stood on her side.

“Your husband was indeed a coward. He has been a willing participant in your marriage all along and has gamely contributed to the agreement you have that works for you both. It was incredibly hurtful of him to not uphold his own decisions nor defend his wonderful partner of a wife to his parents. ” © owls_and_cardinals / Reddit

“This is all on him. He decided it was better for him and easier for him to risk your feelings than stand up to his parents. He chose to upset you versus upsetting his mother.”
© judgeeveryonesbiznes / Reddit
“You know... Normally I think you shouldn’t bring up dirt in front of the kids, but kids learn to normalize what their parents tolerate. She needed to say something in front of them, so their new mother-in-law’s insult and Daddy’s weakness were not normal or right. Maybe not what was said, but something.” © CatlinM / Reddit
“First thing to do is tell the IL’s they are no longer welcome in your home. If the husband wants to see them, he can go visit them. I’d put strict rules in place about contact with the children. Your children should not have to listen to them denigrate their mother.” © squirrelsareevil2479 / Reddit
It’s a betrayal. I’m sorry you are dealing with this. I’d be interested in hearing what he has to say for himself when you talk to him... and you musy talk to him about it, ASAP. © metalmorian / Reddit

If you’ve ever been labeled the “bad guy” for simply setting boundaries, you’re not alone. This next story shows how one woman’s refusal to become the family’s go-to babysitter turned into a full-blown drama, and why standing up for yourself isn’t always easy, but sometimes necessary.

Preview photo credit Ok_Schedule1138 / Reddit