My Mom Thought She Could Do Whatever She Wanted—Not in My Home

A parent’s #1 job is to protect their child, but what if the greatest danger comes from within the family? After multiple close calls, one parent cut ties with his mother for good. Now, 13 years later, the debate rages on: Was he right to walk away, or was the punishment too harsh? Read on and decide for yourself.

My mother loves the in-ground pool in the backyard. She offered to babysit when my first was born, and because we both worked, we were happy to have free child care. This went OK for 1 year.

When my daughter was 2, and mom had just opened the pool, I reminded her not to put the baby in the pool, “You just opened it yesterday, and it is not heated. The water is too cold.” Mom agreed, and I went to work. (PS, Mom has body fat that helps her regulate in cold water. The baby had very little.)
When I got home, they were both in the pool, and the baby was shivering. We argue. “I bought her this little swimsuit, and she was so cute in it, we had to swim.” Mom said she wasn’t cold, but the baby got sick.

At 3 years old, my daughter was having food allergies. When I dropped my daughter off, I explained that she was having food allergies; we didn’t know what from, and the pediatrician had her on a strict elimination diet, slowly adding foods to find which ones she was allergic to.
Dr. orders: do not feed her anything unless it is in this lunch basket. Prescribed diet only! Mom agreed.
When I got home, they were eating cookies and cake. Mom said, “Grandmas are supposed to spoil grandkids.”

At 4 years old, my mom lost the child in the store while shopping. A week later, my wife lost her in a store. A month after that, I also lost her in Walmart and asked security for help. They called the cops, who locked down the Walmart and started a lost child search. (We found her hiding inside the camouflage jackets in sporting goods, which really, when you think about it, is a good hiding spot.)
So when I had a dinner invitation to meet with the VP and my boss to discuss promotion options and moving bonuses, I told mom no shopping. She agreed, explaining that in addition to the 4-year-old, she was caring for a senior Alzheimer’s patient family member. They’d stay home, watch cartoons, and eat pizza.

When I arrived, mom was getting herself and the senior ready to go out. She asked for the car seat. I said, “No. You didn’t need a car seat for her. We agreed you wouldn’t take her out.” We argued about that for several minutes.
She said that I had to go to my important meeting, so I didn’t have a choice. Give me the car seat. I called my boss, asked for forgiveness and canceled dinner ’due to a small family emergency.’ The job offer was rescinded the next week.

Dad refuses to discuss it. I asked for family therapy. They refused, and I went no contact. Mom tells the entire family, friends, neighbors, and church that I refuse to see her for no reason.
Am I right for going no contact 13 years ago? The 4-year-old daughter is now 17! I have 2 more kids that she barely ever met. Am I right for keeping no contact unless mom agrees to discuss her behavior, apologize, and change the behavior?

Some Redditors sided with the man:

• You know if there was an Olympic sport for ignoring basic safety rules, your mom would be a gold medalist. @SweetBabe1x / Reddit
• As you have described her, I wouldn’t have let her watch my pet rock for an hour. But that’s just me. @Apprehensive_Bid5608 / Reddit
• She literally cost you a job opportunity because she thought she could bullrush you into accepting her demands. @Samarkand457 / Reddit
• The safety of your children comes first. Do what needs to be done to ensure it. @Important-Flower-406 / Reddit

However, some people expressed a different opinion:

• I don’t understand this post; you went no contact when your child was 4, and they’re now 17? Why post now? Your children are almost adults; as teenagers, they’re old enough now to advocate for themselves.
  What behavior are you looking for her to change after more than 10 years? She’s not going to. Either get over it and make contact again, considering your kids are no longer helpless children that need minding, or just never see her again.
  It feels a bit dramatic to me; you could have just told her “no more babysitting/no more hanging out with my kids by yourself” instead of going no contact, but I only know what you told us here. @MageVicky / Reddit
• I don’t really understand why you went no contact—you were getting free child care from your mother; she was bad at it, so you find other child care and no longer allow your mother unsupervised visits with your children. How does this lead to you completely forbidding her from ever seeing the children, even when you’re around? It seems a little scorched earth, but whatever. @lecorbeauamelasse / Reddit
• If I read this right, you have three specific incidents that occurred while you entrusted your child into your mom’s care 12–15 years ago? Conversations didn’t result in your mom taking responsibility for her wrongdoing and rendering an apology. And you cut ties.
  My quick take is that she was in the wrong when babysitting, you held a grudge, and your action of cutting ties served as a form of punishment to your mom—but also to your kids as they have now grown up without a set of grandparents. She sounds imperfect, but you stated your mom and dad were wonderful parents.
  There is a lot more to a grandparent relationship than just babysitting. Life is short. If you are able, I would drop expectations, rekindle the relationship, let your children decide their level of relationship with their grandparents, and you take it in stride. @Strange-Ad4905 / Reddit

The OP shared that the decision to take parents back to life was the result of counseling. And added later in the comments, “No contact was one of the best decisions of my life. Yes, I miss my dad. A lot. And while he would follow all rules himself, he wouldn’t ever tell my mom she was wrong. So I had to let him go too.
Nobody will care about your safety more than you. Get toxic people out of your life. Find other people to love. I don’t miss my birth mother at all.”

Some parents find that the only way to ensure their child’s safety and well-being is to walk away entirely, while others learn how to set firm boundaries and still maintain a relationship. Grandparents may prevent conflicts, too; just learn what phrases it’s better to avoid to not shatter new parents’ confidence.