My Older Child Doesn’t Want to Accept Her Baby Sister in the Family

Many toddlers experience jealousy toward younger siblings at some point in their childhood — it’s a common reaction. It’s their way of expressing their frustration and confusion about their new role in their parents’ lives and their place in the family. This behavior should diminish over time and should not in any way affect their future relationship, particularly if dealt with in an open and clever way by their parents.

One of our Bright Side readers faced this problem and sent us an email where she asked for a piece of advice from other Bright Siders.

Dear Sarah, we totally understand your concern, as much as we understand that the arrival of a new baby can be unsettling for a toddler. After all, she is used to having your undivided attention. And keep in mind that many children experience jealousy toward their younger siblings at some point in their childhood — it is all perfectly natural.

We at Bright Side do know it all sounds dire, but want to reassure you that there are ways to minimize the blow, and here’s what we think.

• The arrival of a new member to the family who will get all their parents’ and other adults’ attention can take a child by surprise. While parents wonder if they’ll love their second baby as much as their first, children worry about if their parents will stop loving them.
  For that reason, you should start by validating their unspoken feelings using supportive words to show that you understand, like, “I know things have changed with the new baby here. It’s going to take us all some time to get used to this.” And once your child knows that you understand her feelings, she’ll have less need to act out to get your attention.

• On a different note, it is not uncommon for your toddler to try and hurt her baby sister, as that is the only way she knows how to express her negative feelings. So please make sure to stay alert at all times.
  And while your older child may be aggressive and mean toward the little one, do your best to keep the scolding to a minimum and don’t punish her. You should understand that this is just a natural way for her to deal with emotions she doesn’t understand yet.
  Instead, you can calmly explain that what she did is not a good reaction, and show her a better way to behave, like encouraging affection. You can show her how to give her baby sister soft finger touches, teach her how to correctly place a blanket over her, or show her how to give her a back rub. Tell her how this kind of thing calms the baby, and most importantly, don’t forget to praise her for a job well done.

• Moreover, you have to repeatedly explain to your older daughter that you love her in the same way you did before. However, saying it isn’t enough. You have to demonstrate it every day and in an increased manner, as in saying extra, “I love yous,” and giving her more hugs.
  Also, a few occasions of putting her first and the baby second can work wonders. Try “telling” the baby they’ll have to wait to get their diaper changed while you get their older sibling a snack. Anything that shows her that, at that moment, she is number one.

• Furthermore, don’t be surprised if your toddler starts being clingy more than usual and acting “babyish.” Even if she used to be more independent and capable of doing many things for herself, she is so used to having your undivided attention, and she needs your love and interest now more than ever.
  For that, you may want to stick to the established routines, like taking some time to go to the playground with her like you used to, or maybe telling a bedtime story. Spending time alone with her on a regular basis will help to reassure her, and she won’t feel the need to compete for your attention like she’s doing now.

• Another important piece of advice is don’t hesitate to allow your older daughter to be an active part of the baby’s life by letting her help you care for her sister. You could ask her to pass you the bottle for a feed, “help” you to change a diaper, or entertain her baby sister with songs if she’s upset or crying. Or simply let her use the camera to take pictures of her baby sister.
  And don’t forget to praise and encourage her on every occasion, like, “Wow! Your sister was crying, and then you made that funny face, and she laughed! She’s so lucky to have you as her big sister.” These kinds of comments will make her feel important and build up her confidence in her role as big sister, and most importantly, distract her from the other negative feelings of frustration she is currently experiencing.

• And finally, remember that when toddlers are feeling jealous of baby siblings, it can feel like a phase that will never end. But luckily, it will. And once your older child gets over the initial jealousy of having to share her parents, there is no reason why she shouldn’t learn to live with her new sister. And before you know it, they’ll become best of friends!

What would you do in a similar situation? What tips do you have to help an older sibling feel loved? Let us help Sarah in the comment section below.