Money stress and retirement concerns are common in blended families, especially when one partner handles most of the finances. Conflicts can arise over spending, priorities, and free time, making everyday life feel tense even in otherwise happy households.
Hey Bright Side!
So here’s the deal: I (58M) am about a year away from retiring. My wife (46F) has two teenagers from a previous marriage, 14M and 16F. Great kids, but they’re rarely home before 8 p.m. One has soccer, the other theater, and they spend half the week at their dad’s place. Most nights it’s just me and her. For context, I’ve been the one paying all the bills since we got married.
I don’t mind that, I love her, I love the kids, but retirement is creeping up, and I’ve been stressing like crazy about money. Things are already tighter than I’d like. So the other night, I gently suggested that maybe she could pick up a part-time job. Nothing insane, just something to help out a little bit since she does have a lot of free time during the day. She actually said she’d “think about it,” which I thought was a good sign.
Maybe she got the new bag for her new job she plans on getting.. Maybe he should look at it as it may be the last thing he buys for her.. Since she's younger and he's fixing to retire and she's going to have a job now.. Maybe it's him she'll kick to the curb since her suggested she get a job and that one person stated that the husband should do the same with her and her 2 kids .
Fast forward literally, the very next day, my head boiled when I saw she walked in with a designer handbag, insisting it was “a timeless purchase.” Like, full-on bougie label, and we are not talking cheap. I asked her what that was about, and she just smiled and said it was a “timeless purchase.” I swear, I could feel my blood pressure spike.
Here I am, I’m crunching numbers for retirement, and she buys a designer bag, calling it a “timeless investment.” I can’t get past how careless it looks. And I’m questioning whether I came on too strong, or if she’s the one being completely unreasonable here. What do you guys think, am I being controlling, or is she being out of touch with reality here?
Thank you in advance,
Jack.
What is a timeless purchase?
It's one made by someone who knows that the GRAVY TRAIN is about to end. I started working at 12, a paper route, then I waited my first table at 14 and many other jobs in between then and 21, and many more over the next 40 years. If I could physically still work I WOULD. I always had at least 2 jobs, mostly because I made poor choices in husbands, and I never blamed anyone for MY poor choices. But I didn't mind working. If you WANT you WORK. Housework is part of everyday life. I think that if the husband is working and helping WITH the housework then the wife needs to get a JOB and help with the finances.
Maybe show her the numbers and why buying the bag throws things off. Show her the plan in full. Show her the numbers you crunched. Maybe that will help her understand. If she keeps buying extravagant things after that, then give her the choice of either couple's counseling or divorce.
Asking your wife to get a part-time job now is a lot better than her needing to get a full-time job once you retire. While you'll be eligible for Medicare at 65, if she doesn't have her own insurance, she'll have huge problems, both for herself and her children. Medicare doesn't allow for dependent coverage so that expense will be her sole responsibility. If she's not working and you're retired, she can't reasonably expect you to pay for it (or "timeless" designer bags).
You are not the AH, your self-entitled wife is.
In UK we font pay health insurance, healthcare comes out of everyone's taxes, work pays national insurance and if on benefits dwp pay contributions
This for sure.
Your request was not at all outlandish. After supporting her and her 2 kids and knowing your income is about to take a hit, you made a perfectly reasonable request. She, OTOH, acted like a spoiled, oblivious child. I'd punt her and her 2 kids and enjoy my retirement.
Unfortunately, he would still have to pay alimony but at least that would be a fixed amount he could budget for. Also, it's not the kids fault their mother is like that.
Punt them before even trying to solve the problem? A problem he obviously help create by allowing this behavior in the past. You don't know anything about marriage do you? That was a rhetorical question btw. Your statement proves you don't.
This is what I told my son she has her account he has his account and then you contribute equally to a house account that makes it fair I'm sure ifvshe has a part time job she realizes that all her money isn't going to 1 account for the house and you both have your own accounts. I can't imagine not having my own money let alone living off someone and there's many ways to work and make money these days even from home even hobbies can make you money most of the time
It's difficult to get work these days, especially if you have trouble walking and standing. But if she's fit, she could have something. Maybe a hotel concierge or a personal shopper job for her.
As a sahm mother of 3 I can guarantee you it IS a full time job. My ex was a farmer, and we had farmhands as well. I was responsible for the household duties, 3 children, then 7 meals a day ( you had coffee and rolls in the morning for 7 for after chore, you had breakfast for 5, lunch, for 7 sandwiches snack & beverages, dinner for 5, lunch for 7 same as earlier, supper for 5, then lunch again for 7. During planting and harvest season when they went 24 hrs a day you add another 2 lunches in there.) being a sahm mom isn't about getting your hair done, shopping, spa day trip over the , lunches with friends, etc. I always had 1 baby hanging in front & one on my back while cooking meals and praying I would trip over the toddler who wanted to "help" mommy. As they got older who do you think it was that did all that plus took them to all their extra curricular activities, helped with homework, etc. So what money was I supposed to contribute to my fund and joint fund? And what money do you think I got when he left me. And I had a hard time getting a job bc I hadn't "worked" in years.
You want a couple to contribute equally. Yet what happens when one makes more than the other. You then go on to say there is a major age difference between them so she be able to contribute longer. So what will he be contributing while he sits on his ass on retirement? You need to keep your nose out of you're SON'S MARRIAGE. Cut the apron springs, and let him grow a set. Here's the thing, you have no idea what life is going to throw at them down the road. I worked 2 jobs even after getting remarried. Now I'm disabled and my husband has to do almost Everything. He's 10 yrs older than I am. Should he have dumped me when I became disabled? We took a vow of in sickness and in health, for richer or poor when we got married before God, family & friends. And we meant it. I worked 2 jobs bc I felt a responsibly to contribute more bc I came into the marriage with 3 children. Even though he said I didn't need to. He was happy to take on that extra cost. But we NEVER split our money. This was a marriage. It wasn't a his & hers. It is an OURS. You can't go into a marriage planning on a divorce. If you do what's the point of even getting married?
Jack you set her up. Love doesn't feel this way. Most don't want to be alone. I get it. BUT.....
Hopefully she was serious about finding that part-time job :/
The purse may be her running away money. Brace yourself for divorce.
He should divorce first.
There's a lot of telling or showing going on. Try having an equal discussion about finances.
You are still young! Why not wait a few more years for retirement, at least until the teens are in college? You are the one being selfish!
Why do you say he is the one being selfish, when he has worked all these years, and she has not? Plus she as many years younger, so is more able to contribute financially through work then he is at his age. And do not throw up the excuse that she was a full-time mother and housekeeper. We don't know that from the context of the story, plus the children were there very little anyway.
Selfish? Is he expected to pay for his stepkids' college when he's already been paying all the bills since before they got married? She was selfish to respond to his suggestion that she contribute financially to the household by going out and buying a bougie bag. I think he's entitled to retire whenever he's ready without getting guilted and gaslit. OP has already gone above and beyond. If anything he should be commended.
lol. No! She doesn’t work at all. All she does is sit home. He asked her to help out with bills that they both incur… How is he being the selfish one and then she goes out and buys an expensive handbag… He’s made no mention as to whether or not the biological father pays any kind of money. So is she taking that money if he’s paying any and using it towards things that she shouldn’t be buying? He’s not being selfish he simply asked her to help contribute to the household bills!
He's entitled to retire if he's of a certain age, has health issues or has money to retire and in UK pensions are barely enough to pay rent so if she's too young to retire herself she'd have to get a job if she lived here
Spoken like a true gold digger
But she ain't messin' with no broke-broke
How is he selfish? He's the one working 60 hours a week.
I'd like to say I have missed you cj, but yeah, nope. Why should he wait to retire? So that she can spend some more of the money he has ASKED her to start saving? You may know how to spell SELFISH, but you clearly don't know what it actually means.
Did you make any promises that you'd always provide for her or she'd never have to worry about money? I'm not defending a frivolous or wasteful purchase, but could it be that she felt resentful (if you did promise such a lifestyle and are now,.in her eyes, reneging on that?)
You gave her anxiety that was only diminished by the handbag purchase. You might have to give her the boot and go it alone.
Starting now she gets an allowance for the month, this is what she can spend on herself and the kids.
It was extremely selfish of her to by a designer handbag after your talk about her getting a PT job. (Which i hope you will be doing as well after retirement).
Take away her Credit card(s) and only allow one for the both of you for real emergencies. Start paying off all other card(s) after you either lock them away or cut them up.
Since you are retiring you both should be meeting with a financial adviser to help with meeting you financial means and maybe they can also get through to your wife that this kind of spending can't happen anymore.
Great advice the only thing I would change is, I wouldn’t just cut up the cards I would close the accounts… And not tell her!
He can tell her
Just retire and make sure all the bills are paid and whatever us left after the bills - that's what you all will live off of. You're the only one carrying the weight - all you can do is know you're doing the best you can with what you have. If it's tight - it's tight. Just keep your peace and enjoy your retirement enjoying the simple things in life.
I think she is not being considerate of everything you have done. I'm a woman and I think she is in the wrong
Marriage counseling immediately. You guys are not communicating
To waste more money
Uselessss
She told you what she thought about a part time job, ,,,,,,,,,,,,with that purchase.
Close any cards and accounts she's on and open up one for groceries. You pay the bills out of your account. Kids need stuff? Give her money. If she wants purses etc she needs to find a way to buy it herself. Lock down your credit so she can't open new cards.
Separate any joint account from her, make sure she have separate Access from your wealth. IMO, what she has done was seriously a red flag in your life.
Thank you for sharing your story, Jack! We know it’s not easy to talk about money and family stuff so openly. We pulled together some pieces of advice, not as perfect answers, but as thoughts a good friend might share. Hopefully, a few of them give you a different angle or at least make you feel less alone in this.
While money and marriage can be tricky, these conversations can also bring couples closer when handled with care. With patience and teamwork, financial stress can turn into an opportunity to build a stronger future together.
Open a new bank account in just your name have all direct deposits put in there make all bills automatically withdrawn from that account. Cancel all credit cards order new ones sent to you somewhere she won't get them first. After all bills are paid and groceries are bought divide what is left in half put half back for emergencies divide the other half in half again give her one half and tell her that is all she has to spend because you are getting ready for retirement without having to file bankruptcy.
Either take the purse back or sell it on line. It's YOUR purse YOU paid for it. Get a spine as you are nothing more then an ATM!!!
Who doesn't work in 2025? I mean to each his own but this isn't the 50's men working with no help from their partner is part of the reason men die early to much of a heavy load to carry alone.
Your wife is not a mind reader, sir. Suggesting to your wife that she *might* think about getting a part time job is not the same as having a direct conversation about tightening the budget to prepare for retirement. This really sounds like a lack of clear communication. You and the wife need to sit down and talk about your thoughts, fears, expectations and ideas regarding retirement (and budget!).
You better be careful when it comes to making threats about money now. Because retirement and social security can be considered an asset in divorce court, and if she can make it look like you're financially abusing her because you controlled all the assets during your marriage you will have to pay her alimony out of that retirement. Not to mention again because she never worked they will use that against you in divorce court for alimony.
