Sarah never thought she’d be here, but she needs some advice. She’s feeling like the villain in her own home, and she’s not sure if what she did was right or wrong. She wrote to our editorial team to get feedback if she was doing the right thing. Here’s her story.
Sarah is married to a wonderful man, Mark, who has a 16-year-old daughter, Emma, from a previous marriage. Emma has been living with them full-time for the past six months. Initially, Sarah was excited about the prospect of growing closer to Emma, but things haven’t gone as planned. Emma’s a smart, strong-willed teenager, and they’ve clashed on several issues—mostly about house rules.
Sarah wrote, "From the beginning, I made it clear that there were certain expectations in our home. I believe in having a structured environment with clear rules to help everyone get along." These rules are:
Emma was used to a more relaxed environment at her mom’s place, and from day one, she resisted Sarah’s rules. At first, it was little things—leaving dirty dishes in the sink or ignoring her chores. Sarah tried to talk to her calmly, explaining why these rules were important for everyone’s well-being, but Emma would just nod and do the bare minimum.
The real trouble started with the curfew. Emma would regularly stay up past midnight on school nights, texting or browsing social media. This affected her mood and performance in school. When Sarah tried to enforce the 10 PM bedtime, Emma argued back, saying all her friends stayed up later and it wasn’t fair.
Then there was the screen time rule. Sarah wrote, "Emma’s phone was practically glued to her hand. She’d bring it to the dinner table despite repeated reminders to put it away. One evening, I firmly asked her to put her phone down during dinner. Emma exploded, shouting, “You’re not my mom! You can’t tell me what to do!”"
That was the final straw for Sarah. She felt disrespected and undermined. She discussed the situation with Mark, but he was torn. He didn’t like the idea of Emma being upset, but he also understood the need for rules. Unfortunately, he often sided with Emma, making it harder for Sarah to enforce anything consistently.
And this is the main reason why i will never date or marry a man with children. Cause the children r their entire world. Which is why i am child free its hard enough trying to enforce your rules on your blood children let alone your stepchildren. Also u have to make sure they r staying safe online, hard enough trying to protect them from real bullies at school its even harder trying to protect them from cyber bullies, where they can hide behind their computer, phone and tablet screens
One night, after another argument over chores and curfew, Sarah sat down with Emma. She told her calmly but firmly that these rules were not negotiable. If she couldn’t follow them, they’d have to reconsider her living arrangement. Emma glared at her and said, “Fine, maybe I should just go back to Mom’s then!”
Sarah didn’t want it to come to this, but she also couldn’t keep living in a household where there was no respect for the rules. She told Emma that maybe spending more time at her mom’s would be a good idea until they could all figure things out.
While she is in your house your rules should be followed and your husband should have your back.Your stepdaughter owes you a relationship, your her fathers wife, whether she likes it or not.
Emma packed a bag and left that night to stay with her mom. Mark was heartbroken and blamed Sarah for being too strict. She felt awful but also relieved. The constant tension had been unbearable.
Now, Sarah is left wondering if she did the right thing. She wants to have a good relationship with Emma, but she also believes in maintaining structure and respect in their home. Has anyone been through something similar? How do you balance enforcing rules and maintaining relationships with stepchildren?
Sarah would greatly appreciate any advice or insights on how to navigate this family drama. Your comments on finding a balance between enforcing rules and maintaining a healthy relationship with stepchildren would be invaluable.
It's your home so she should be more respectful to you and to your rules. They are not too strict and can easily be adhered to. I do t think you did everything wrong and in fairness to you why didn't her dad say anything to her. He must have seen the disrespect to you. Well maybe she will realise that moving back to her mom's is better for her.
The kid is right, you're not her mother. The choices her parents make are her rules, you don't get to impose yours just bc you're an adult in the house. She lives with her dad, not with you, you just happen to live there too. Children come before new spouses, so don't be surprised if your husband divorces you for causing him lost time with his daughter. You're the adult and you need to be able to temper yourself and discipline yourself out of her business if that is her and her father's wishes. You expect her to respect you and yet you have no respect for her or your husband. Kids, especially teens, don't listen. Get over it.
So, because she is a step mother, who should be doing the brats dishes, cooking, and laundry. WHAT?
So your saying that she should just be uncomfortable in her own home? Walking around her house on egg shells b/c her teenaged stepdaughter is used to having her way and no rules? NO WAAY!! Rules are rules for a reason. I could understand if the girl (not woman) was 17 and about to be off to college. But she is in SCHOOL!! Therefore she NEEDS a curfew. Dinnertime is just that, DINNER TIME no phones at the table, it furthers communication and social interactions amongst people. Kids now days are so stuck to these phones that they aren't in the real world anymore. If the husband divorced her over the results of his daughters decision then he is going to be one single a** man b/c NO WOMAN in their right mind will let a CHILD disrespect them in their own home where THEY pay BILLS. Also, you are TOTALLY CORRECT when you say that she is not her mom...she isn't but she is in her home and she needs to respect that. Oh and think about it when they divorce SHE IS GONNA GET THE HOUSE. You must have had step-parent trama...I be praying for your peace.
None of those things are the stepparent's decision with the possible exception of chores. She should have e to clean up after herself, but how much screentime or how late she stays up on her phone don't affect the stepparent at all. She is just trying to impose her values on someone who is not her child.
You couldn't be more wrong.
You're right, SOME kids don't listen. And any kid that doesn't want to listen to my rules can live someplace else. Father should have been proactive and told Emma that she wasn't running this household. He's weak AF.
It is your house, your rules. Dad needs to back up wife!! Daughter is old enough to be part of household. The rules were not over the top.
Yeah... noooo.... that sounds childish... the kid is a kid and she should respect the house rules.. 10 p.m. bedtime at 16? Maybe not so much, but quiet time until 11 is our rule. Children who are not capable of running their life should be taught to follow the rules wherever they are; be it a job, school, household, in public places. And all parties should be on the same page. Compromise, consideration and comfort for everyone is the only way to live in a blended home.
The best idea would be to take the girls phone away so she could do something more productive like doing some chores.
Perhaps the husband can do those chores!
You are not her mom. She is 16 and should be free to make some choices regarding her time. I can see the need for minor chores, but you are way off base regarding bedtime and interfering with her relationships with her friends. She is 16, not 12. She will never respect your authority over her and I'm not sure she should. I wouldn't if I were in her shoes.
Well obviously there is a problem because she is not an adult she can do what she is permitted to do after getting permission from an Adult who pays bills. Your comment lets me.know that you let your kids disrespect adults. Smh at you and your disrespectful children.
She's probably best suited for living with her natural mom because there are no rules there and she doesn't want to follow any so she should go home and stay with her mother
Another child on her to disaster.
Bed time could probably have been negotiated, I do agree that she'd need to do chores. Phone at dinner I'm iffy about just because its clear she doesn't care for a traditional family dinner. EVem if it was enforced she'd just rush through eating so she can leave. She doesnt want quality time. Which is the main reason why someone would want a traditional family dinnwr
Screentime also Negotiable she's 16 let her make her own choices.
At the base of everything though? You seem to be enforcing rules her dad isn't onboard with. If DH was on your side it would go a lot smoother.
The other big issue is - She can just.. leave. She did. Like idk why she wasn't full time at moms or why it wasn't split but the fact she can just leave means she has less reason to follow any rules like this. She has the easy out and DH isn't fully on your side.
I'm not sure what fix is here tbh because she has more options then follow your rules.
The girl should just obey your rules, she's being difficult. Her dad's not helping much either by siding with her and refusing to back you up. The rules aren't so bad or that strict, she should realize that each household is different and should be more respectful and just do as you've asked. She doesn't have any respect for you and doesn't care about having a good relationship with you, so let her go live with her mom then. You don't need the stress in dealing with her disrespect.
The stepmother obviously doesn't care about having a good relationship. Anyone who has ever been involved with a blended family can tell you the rules need to come from the bio parent. The second the step parent tries to make unilateral rules on their own things are going to go off the rail. This might be surprising to some people that teenagers can't stand having random people coming to their lives and tell them what to do. The chores she should have to do but everything else should be up to the dad because it doesn't affect the stepmother at all. Her being on her phone shouldn't have any effect on the stepparent at all. She is just trying to impose her will. If the Dad is OK with it, then it is not her business.
This should be discussed with your husband. You two are the only ones who can fix this and maybe a family therapist
If it was my house, and she didn't want to follow the rules plain and simple she would not be allowed in my house. Dad could definitely see her outside of the house, but in no way would she be staying at my house.
The step daughter should have more respect for her stepmother. That being said, her father needs to step up and let it be known that HE won't tolerate the daughter showing out and disrespecting his current wife. The fact that he didn't speaks volumes about their relationship. If I were stepmom, I would be planning an exit strategy.
Never heard of a 16 year old having a bed time. Curfew. yes. But, Not really Step's business, Is her father & mother''s duty, maybe.
Chores in common areas of home Yes. Daughter's room 7 HER CLOTHES, her business. until or unless becomes a health hazard. Astep mother is definitely overstepping, with her im the new sheriff in town act.
The husband is a spineless jellyfish. Those rules are more common sense then strict. What 16 year old can't clean up after themselves? Pathetic. The daughter is doing all this just for spite! Probably with the moms help.
My guess it it is the other 3 rules that are chaffing the daughter more than cleaning up after herself. The other rules are arbitrary and not necessary for the stepmother to enjoy her own home. The daughter being on the phone or staying up later does not affect the step mother at all. She is just trying tovimpose her will and in the process acting like she knows better than the kid's parents on how to raise them. Every kid is different. There aren't one set of rules that is going to work perfectly for every kid. Even experts agree some kids are capable of having unlimited screen time without it affecting them. Some aren't. Her parents are going to know that better than she is
Sit down with her and let her have a say in the rules she is being asked to follow. Explain why you have made the rules you have, why you feel they are important. Listen to what she has to say about them and be both of you need to be flexible.
Nobody likes to follow rules when they are not represented in the creation of the rules.
