I Refuse to Forgive My Mom After She Shamed Me for Being a “Bad Parent”

When you become a parent, you expect your parents to support you the most. But sometimes, these expectations bite the dust, and your parents turn into your biggest critics. One of our Bright Side readers, Gemma, shared her disturbing experience, when her own mother, publicly shamed her and drove her to make some hard decisions.

Gemma’s mom ended up mom shaming her, in front of family.

My toddler is a screamer, not a talker. He is about 14 months old and well within the milestones of normal growth. He was getting fussy at a family event, so I put on some cartoons for him on my phone, quickly feeding him some baby food because he was getting hungry.

My mother was watching me, and as soon as I was done, rolled her eyes and said, loudly, “No wonder he’s not talking yet. You’d rather let a screen raise him.” That got me plenty of looks, and I was mortified.

Given this was not the first time she’s shamed me in public, I was also furious. But I kept my cool and ignored her, just as I ignore most of her parenting advice, simply because I know how to raise my own child!

Later, my sister texted me something that made my stomach drop. She sent me screenshots of the secret family group chat that I wasn’t a part of.

My mom had been trashing me behind my back for weeks, calling me a lazy mother. She mocked my parenting style, going so far as to mom shame me, saying I “don’t know how to be a real mom.” I called my mother and blew up on her. She had nothing to say in her defense.

The next day, my sister called and told me I shouldn’t have confronted Mom, because now our mother was blaming her for showing me the “secret chats.”

When I told her about all the times our mom had made snarky comments about my parenting and how she had shamed me several times, my sister got angry on my behalf. She also confronted Mom and told her to back off.

Now my mother is crying to anyone who would listen about her ungrateful daughters, who don’t take her good parenting advice. I went no contact with her. I just want to know, did I do anything wrong? If I do meet my mom again in public, what should my reaction be? I’m a little confused.

Help me, please!

Gemma Bradbury

Hi Gemma, thank you for being so open about your experience. What happened to you is deeply hurtful, and it’s understandable to feel both confused and angry.

You are already navigating parenting challenges, and to top it, now your mother is also trying to shame and manipulate you, instead of offering support. Here’s a step-by-step breakdown to help bring clarity to you, and help you find mental peace.

Keep your distance and make yourself the priority.

• You behaved impeccably: By being calm in the face of public shaming, you proved your emotional maturity. Later, when you learned about sustained, behind-your-back criticism, you asserted yourself, and finally drew a line, drawing a firm boundary, which was more than justifiable. You did not yell in public or involve others. You spoke to her, in a private conversation, and this shows remarkable restraint, especially in the face of personal betrayal.
• Understanding the reason behind the conflict: What your mother is doing is not just about parenting differences. She is discrediting you, and undermining your parenting style. When the tables turned, she again portrayed herself to be the victim. She is basically gaslighting you, using the pretext of concern and care.
• Be civil, but keep your distance in public: Stay neutral and composed. If she greets you, return it politely, but steer clear of any deep conversation. Always avoid emotional confrontation in public.
  If she tries to provoke or guilt-trip you, which she might, given her track record, just tell her that this is not the time and the place to have a conversation. Let your calm speak for itself. You don’t owe an audience an explanation. Your grace will say more than her drama.
• Distancing yourself is about your mental health: Choosing to go no-contact with your mother is not cruel, it’s simply a way to preserve your mental health and peace. Plus, it can be temporary, if she reaches out respectfully and sincerely apologizes.
  How or when, or even if you forgive, is completely up to you. You are not obligated to do anything. Remember to choose the option that works out best for you, your child and your family.

Your mental health is important for your family’s health and longevity, so make yourself the priority. To lighten your mood, here are some hilarious anecdotes from parents who just realized how tough bringing children up truly is!