I Refuse to Let My MIL Tell Me How to Parent My Children

The “awful” MIL trope may be cliché, but frankly, with so many women in the world having issues with the mothers of their partners, one cannot talk about it enough. A Bright Side reader recently reached out to us, caught in a somewhat difficult situation — her mother-in-law seems to question her parenting, in front of her children. Clearly, the battle lines have been drawn.

This is Rebecca’s letter to us.

Dear Bright Side,

I have been married to the love of my life for 12 years now, and we have two wonderful kids, a 6-year-old daughter and a 9-year-old son. My MIL always had something to say about how I raise my kids, but I trust my instincts. I’m not rude, but they are my children.

Earlier, she used to live in another city, so visits used to be infrequent, and since I knew that, I kept my peace, listening to whatever she had to say with a smile. She recently moved to our city and bought a place barely 5 minutes from our house. She had also taken up the habit of popping in every day, and since it’s only been a month, again, I decided to keep quiet about it.

The issue is that her interference has now taken on new levels. Not only does she constantly criticize me in front of my kids, but she has also taken it upon herself to ignore my rules and do what she likes.

I had an open talk with her and told her that she was welcome to our home, but she could not challenge my parental authority. She agreed. That being said, lately, she’s gotten sneaky.

At first, it was the small stuff. Giving kids candy after I said no or letting them stay up late, watching shows that I had banned. I let it slide, but last week, I lost it when I found out that she bought pizza for dinner, even after I had slogged in the kitchen making them a good meal.

Again, I asked her to stop, politely but firmly. My husband stood by my side all through as well, and again, she apologized and promised to back off. Then, it turned sinister.

One day, I overheard my daughter whisper to her brother, “Hide the new iPhone that Grandma bought us. Don’t let Mom find out.” That was it. I called her, told her off, and returned the phone.

I also told her that she was no longer welcome to our home till she mended her ways. Now, she’s crying and apologizing, but honestly, I’m tired of her continuously trying to spoil my children and paint me as the villain. What do you think I should do?

I don’t want to cut her out of the family, but I have had it with her underhanded ways. Please help!

Rebecca

Dear Rebecca,

Thank you for trusting us with such a personal and emotionally exhausting situation. You are clearly a caring mother who wants to raise her children with love, boundaries, and consistency, and that’s a wonderful thing to see.

You are absolutely correct to expect that your parental authority be respected, and it’s encouraging to hear that your husband has supported you throughout this. That united front is essential.

What you’re dealing with isn’t just “interference.” It’s manipulation and covert behavior that undermines your role as a parent. While your mother-in-law may believe she’s acting out of love for her grandchildren, in reality, she’s crossing lines and creating stress of everyone involved.

When children are told one thing by a parent and then encouraged to do the opposite by another adult, it drags them into an unnecessary and confusing power struggle. So this is what we feel you can do to address the situation and stop it from escalating.

Here are some concrete steps to take.

• Hold Firm: It may not have been easy to tell your MIL off, but you did it, bravely. So until she can respect your rules, stick to your decisions. Boundaries are only as strong as your ability to uphold them.
• Have a Final, Clear Conversation: This time, don’t hold back, and make sure your husband is present. If she claims she can’t remember all the rules, “help” her by writing them down as to what is simply not acceptable (e.g., no visits without prior notice, no sweets before mealtimes, no undermining house rules). Make sure she knows it’s not about you disrespecting her, but about her disrespecting you!
• Rebuild Slowly, If at All: If she truly loves her grandkids, she’ll show it through consistent actions over time. If it’s only about assuaging her ego, well, you’ll get to know that too. Trust can only be rebuilt slowly, and in case she breaks the rules again, consider limiting her contact to only outside-the-home meetups under supervision.
• Talk to Your Kids: Without pointing fingers, gently but firmly tell your kids why it’s important for everyone in the family to follow the same rules. There are no exceptions allowed, and they have to doubly check with you, or their father, even if someone else tells them differently. Lay down the rules and the consequences for breaking them, and they will get it quickly.
• Self-Care for You: It’s emotionally draining to be on your guard, especially in your own home, and family. Perhaps it’s time to take a break from your MIL. See if you can plan a quick getaway with just your family. Remember to make time for things that recharge you, to make you feel like yourself again.

At the end of the day, being a good mom sometimes means being the “bad guy” in the eyes of others, but that’s okay. Your kids and family comes first. Here’s a similar story of a new mom who put her foot down when her MIL started to cross boundaries.