Being a stepparent is hard, even more so when the child is a teenager. It’s already difficult for them when their parents separate, and introducing someone new into their life complicates matters.
Dear Bright Side,
I’m in a situation that I don’t know how to deal with. Recently, my 15-year-old stepson has started bringing home-cooked meals from his mom’s house when he comes over to visit us. In the beginning I thought it was strange, but now I think there’s a lot more too it.
I cook for the entire family every night, but since he’s been bringing his mom’s food, he refuses to eat what I make. He won’t even look at the food. He just microwaves whatever his mom packed him and eats it in silence.
I tried to be understanding because I thought there might be a logical explanation behind it. But this time things went too far. Last night I made his favorite meal or at least, what used to be his favorite and he didn’t even look at it. He just pulled out his mom’s container.
I lost it and snapped at him, not my best moment, but it happened. I told him that I wasn’t okay with what he was doing anymore. I think I might’ve gone too far when I said that this is my home, I’m not running a restaurant, and if he doesn’t want to eat what I cook, he can figure it out on his own.
He didn’t react any way I thought he would. He didn’t even flinch. He just gave me a blank expression and said, “Relax, it’s not like anyone asked you to pretend to be my mom. I have no problem with the one I have. If it bothers you, that’s your problem.”
I stood there speechless. It’s not like I ever tried to be or replace his mother. But the fact that he thought I did, really stung. I know teens can be difficult, but I never expected the sweet boy I knew to say something so horrible.
When I tried to discuss it with my husband later that night, he said that I needed to let it go. “He’s just a teenager,” he added. I’ve been telling myself the same thing, but what he said really hurt, and I don’t know how to deal with it.
Thank you for reaching out to us. We understand how difficult a situation like this one can be, and we’ve put together some tips that might help you out.
Time you started treating your stepson as an adult. Ask if he wants dinner, if he says no be gracious. For all you know he may be doing an exception diet to help uncover food allergies. On the flipside this may be the beginning of a mental health problem and control of food being the first symptom. Start collecting facts and put you ego away, it's probably not about you.
He brings his own food. You're not running a restaurant. He doesn't owe you anything.
Y'all are being ridiculous this is why teenagers think they run the show everywhere! i think dad should step up and yes he should eat with and what the family is eating or make a pb and j instead and the mom should not send her containers with her cooking she should teach the young man how to be respectful and quit being a entitled brat.
The only brat here is you Isabel acuna,so shut tf up and don't say anything.
You're calling someone entitled in the same sentence in which you assert your imaginary authority over someone's right to speak?
Your lack of self awareness astounding.
Him bringing his own food makes him an entitled brat? No, if he was an entitled brat, he would demand his step mother make him something to eat. He's not making a scene, she's blowing it out of proportion because her ego is hurt
You're definitely the problem here. You're acting like a wicked step-monster instead of a kind and loving stepmother. Your stepson eating his mom's food at your house isn't hurting you or disrespecting you in any way. You need to get over yourself, deflate your ego a bit, touch some grass then apologize to your stepson for yelling at him and trying to control what he does/doesn't eat when staying with you and his father.
If you're married and have kids living there it's not just your house. If you said that to me I wouldn't want to be there.Grow up he doesn't have to eat your food you really being petty
You said that you're not running a restaurant and if he's not going to eat what you're cooking to figure it out. Isn't that what he's already doing?? What exactly is the problem? You have one less mouth to feed. Stop trying to force him to eat your food and there won't be a problem. If and when he is ready to eat what you cook then thank him and let him know you appreciate it. This may help him want to eat your food more. But right now he probably just wants to make sure he doesn't miss out on his mom's cooking and there is nothing wrong with that.
Why do you feel the need to force him to eat your cooking? He's not giving you any extra work, which is the key issue. Let him alone. He'll respect that you didn't invest in such a trivial fight.
You said "I’m not running a restaurant, and if he doesn’t want to eat what I cook, he can figure it out on his own." Isn't that what he did by bringing other food and cooking it himself? You seem to resent his mother for cooking for him.
There is a deeper issue here. Your not the problem. Honestly, his mom might be manipulating her son and drilling into his head that your not his mom. The fact that your husband is telling you to get over it, is disrespectful. This kid is a CHILD. If he doesn't eat what is on the table, he shouldn't eat. If he had specific diet needs due to an illness, that's one thing. Disrespectful attitude... NO!!
That is being ridiculously controlling. He's not giving her any extra work. He never said anything about her cooking, so he's not being rude. He's a teenager. They often have their own food preferences. He's making this as easy as he possibly can. He's not making a scene or being insulting. She needs to just roll with it if she hopes to ever get along with him well.
Thank you, thats exactly what I said. He is a child eat what is before you or be hungry. Its not a parent or no parent thing, its a household thing.
I think he is being controlled by his mother, if he always ate what the step mother cooked and had no problem with it ,it is very rude to undermjne her by bringing food imto home cooked by person who doesnt live there, i think he should eat his mothers food when in her house but eat stepmothers food when at home with her and his dad.
She is the problem he is a teenager he doesn't have to wat her cooking, he provides his own food as she just suggested but before hand.
Y-i-k-e-s. That's not how it works. You cannot, legally nor morally, starve a CHILD (as you so eloquently put it) of food because you're feeling petty about them bringing other food in the house. That's the kind of crazy that needs to have medication introduced.
That's disgusting. Denying a kid food because they have different tastes. Get off your high horse. Food isn't a privilege, it's a right and a necessity
Lady you're a piece of work. I could see if it was your husband bringing food from his mom's house and refusing your cooking. And frankly even that would be a discussion because who says you're not a 💩 cook. (Jk fellas. Don't ever do that on a regular basis) But this is your stepson. He's bringing food HIS MOTHER made. And if your child asked you to do the same before going to stay the night elsewhere do NOT pretend you wouldn't.
Maybe he shouldn't be coming over , that's disrespectful,
I am not sure why all these other people dont see it that way. You dont have to be someone's parent just to feed them, the boy sounds ridiculous and Dad shouldn't have let him get away with that mess
You can't just ignore custody agreements
This is kinda hilarious and how do you not see the irony? He is already bringing his own food everyday and not eating yours so you threaten him with not cooking for him and leaving him to sort it out? What?
Then after raising your voice at him, your angry that he calmly agrees to go along with your ultimatum.
Your problem isnt this teenager, its your ego.
You need to let this go. Speak to him, apologise for yelling. Explain you aren't trying to replace his mum but he's a part of your household and that means you all support each other. That you hope he's on the same page.
In future, simply ask him to let you know if he's brought dinner with him so you know whether to prepare him a plate, or ask him before you start cooking. Its really that simple.
Dang it. I really wanted to get on her head and you made ALL the points. Saved me nothing! Hmph. Great job 👏🏾
Personally why do you care so much? Hes 15 old enough to fend for himself and decide what he wants to eat. Hes not wasting your money time or resources so why not pick a more productive fight that really means something. If he wants what his mom makes only then who cares? I dont think you need to get all emotionally vested in something like this and its not as his absent mom suddenly showed up with daily delivery like a momuber. And if she did- so? Are you jealous or just cant find a real issue to worry about?
Being a stepparent isn’t easy, but it can be manageable with the help of your partner. Discuss the situation with your husband, let him give his honest opinion, and then give yours. Tell him that you never tried to be his son’s mother, and you’re hurt that he’s accusing you of such things. Once you are on the same page, you can look into ways of managing the situation.
You're not winning any brownie points with him, pick your battles. This is nothing to fight about, instead of arguing with him and being petty, ask him how was your dinner, what do you want to drink with your dinner. Slowly you will win him over
That might sound counterintuitive, but it’s true. You might not be the one who raised him, but you do take care of him, and that means something. So be a mom. Watch him, look out for the days where he seems more down or upset. Don’t try to force him to open up, but do subtle things to let him know you care and that you’re there.
If he seems extra moody, leave his favorite candy bar in his room. If he seems agitated stay out of his way. Soon you’ll see that the little gestures mean a lot more than words. He might even start opening up to you because he’ll understand that you are not a threat, and you’re not trying to control him.
Having stepchildren isn’t easy, but at the end of the day, it’s how you treat them that really matters. Some people will try to exclude them, while other’s will try to replace their parent. But if you really want to be on good terms with them, be neutral because most of the time that’s all they need.
I mean, he wasn't being rude or anything, he just wanted his moms cooking. Like all your doing is making yourself the bad guy and seem unreasonable, he isn't insulting you, he isn't making snide remarks about your cooking, he isn't asking you to make him things or to make him seperate meals.
He is just quietly eating his moms cooking. Snapping at him like that, and making a demand without talking to your husband, his father and the one with custody, is rather unreasonable as well.
He has essentially figured out the food on his own, what you think the demand will have him eat the food your making, over making his own or going back to Moms? This is a strange hill to die on, let it go
Does he live with his mother or with you and his dad? Is she close enough that he stops there most days, or is this food thing once in awhile?
I would have just eaten with the rest of the family and ignored him. I suspect he was waiting, maybe hoping, for you to say something, and you did... bingo, a chance for drama. I would talk to him privately, and tell him it's alright if he prefers his mother's food, but you want him to know he's always welcome to share yours if he'd like. And I'd tell him "I know I'm not your mother, and I would never try to replace her, but I had hoped that maybe we could, at least, be somewhat of friends. I'm sorry for bothering you", and leave the room.
Lack of support and respect from the biological mom, then tricking down to stepson. If there were food allergies, ect. You would need to know. Nice to know you cook meals for the family/family time. Goes both ways in both homes. Have her over for dinner sometime?
Let him have this and stop turning it into a power struggle. He's doing exactly what you told him to do. I don't understand the restaurant reference. Your not serving him anything. You may be hurt, but that's on you.
my cousin lost her husband and elder son (4yo)in an accident.
they had another 1yo son and she was pregnant.
she eventually remarried, to a very nice guy and they had another son together.
for a period when they were teenagers, the 2 elder sons decided to pick fights with their stepfather, even though he was the only dad they ever knew.
guess what, it passed.
he is 15, it's a phase and you don't even have to live with him all the time, so just chill, give him space for now.
and apologise first for losing your temper, that seemed to reflect more your own insecurities.
