Being a stepparent is hard, even more so when the child is a teenager. It’s already difficult for them when their parents separate, and introducing someone new into their life complicates matters.
Dear Bright Side,
I’m in a situation that I don’t know how to deal with. Recently, my 15-year-old stepson has started bringing home-cooked meals from his mom’s house when he comes over to visit us. In the beginning I thought it was strange, but now I think there’s a lot more too it.
I cook for the entire family every night, but since he’s been bringing his mom’s food, he refuses to eat what I make. He won’t even look at the food. He just microwaves whatever his mom packed him and eats it in silence.
I tried to be understanding because I thought there might be a logical explanation behind it. But this time things went too far. Last night I made his favorite meal or at least, what used to be his favorite and he didn’t even look at it. He just pulled out his mom’s container.
I lost it and snapped at him, not my best moment, but it happened. I told him that I wasn’t okay with what he was doing anymore. I think I might’ve gone too far when I said that this is my home, I’m not running a restaurant, and if he doesn’t want to eat what I cook, he can figure it out on his own.
He didn’t react any way I thought he would. He didn’t even flinch. He just gave me a blank expression and said, “Relax, it’s not like anyone asked you to pretend to be my mom. I have no problem with the one I have. If it bothers you, that’s your problem.”
I stood there speechless. It’s not like I ever tried to be or replace his mother. But the fact that he thought I did, really stung. I know teens can be difficult, but I never expected the sweet boy I knew to say something so horrible.
When I tried to discuss it with my husband later that night, he said that I needed to let it go. “He’s just a teenager,” he added. I’ve been telling myself the same thing, but what he said really hurt, and I don’t know how to deal with it.
Thank you for reaching out to us. We understand how difficult a situation like this one can be, and we’ve put together some tips that might help you out.
Time you started treating your stepson as an adult. Ask if he wants dinner, if he says no be gracious. For all you know he may be doing an exception diet to help uncover food allergies. On the flipside this may be the beginning of a mental health problem and control of food being the first symptom. Start collecting facts and put you ego away, it's probably not about you.
Being a stepparent isn’t easy, but it can be manageable with the help of your partner. Discuss the situation with your husband, let him give his honest opinion, and then give yours. Tell him that you never tried to be his son’s mother, and you’re hurt that he’s accusing you of such things. Once you are on the same page, you can look into ways of managing the situation.
You're not winning any brownie points with him, pick your battles. This is nothing to fight about, instead of arguing with him and being petty, ask him how was your dinner, what do you want to drink with your dinner. Slowly you will win him over
Not around mealtime talk to him. First apologize for snapping. Tell him you were upset because you made what you formerly knew as his favorite meal so you were hurt that he rejected it because you care about him but also trying to understand if he just truly likes moms food better or if it's something about you or something about mom being territorial. Ask him if something happened to make him not want to eat the food you prepared was it about the food itself, you a person or as a step parent, an idea his mom has, an idea he has. Tell him since he ate the food before but stopped, you'd like to please understand why. Then wait give him time and space to answer.
That might sound counterintuitive, but it’s true. You might not be the one who raised him, but you do take care of him, and that means something. So be a mom. Watch him, look out for the days where he seems more down or upset. Don’t try to force him to open up, but do subtle things to let him know you care and that you’re there.
If he seems extra moody, leave his favorite candy bar in his room. If he seems agitated stay out of his way. Soon you’ll see that the little gestures mean a lot more than words. He might even start opening up to you because he’ll understand that you are not a threat, and you’re not trying to control him.
Having stepchildren isn’t easy, but at the end of the day, it’s how you treat them that really matters. Some people will try to exclude them, while other’s will try to replace their parent. But if you really want to be on good terms with them, be neutral because most of the time that’s all they need.
I mean, he wasn't being rude or anything, he just wanted his moms cooking. Like all your doing is making yourself the bad guy and seem unreasonable, he isn't insulting you, he isn't making snide remarks about your cooking, he isn't asking you to make him things or to make him seperate meals.
He is just quietly eating his moms cooking. Snapping at him like that, and making a demand without talking to your husband, his father and the one with custody, is rather unreasonable as well.
He has essentially figured out the food on his own, what you think the demand will have him eat the food your making, over making his own or going back to Moms? This is a strange hill to die on, let it go
Does he live with his mother or with you and his dad? Is she close enough that he stops there most days, or is this food thing once in awhile?
I would have just eaten with the rest of the family and ignored him. I suspect he was waiting, maybe hoping, for you to say something, and you did... bingo, a chance for drama. I would talk to him privately, and tell him it's alright if he prefers his mother's food, but you want him to know he's always welcome to share yours if he'd like. And I'd tell him "I know I'm not your mother, and I would never try to replace her, but I had hoped that maybe we could, at least, be somewhat of friends. I'm sorry for bothering you", and leave the room.
Lack of support and respect from the biological mom, then tricking down to stepson. If there were food allergies, ect. You would need to know. Nice to know you cook meals for the family/family time. Goes both ways in both homes. Have her over for dinner sometime?
Let him have this and stop turning it into a power struggle. He's doing exactly what you told him to do. I don't understand the restaurant reference. Your not serving him anything. You may be hurt, but that's on you.
my cousin lost her husband and elder son (4yo)in an accident.
they had another 1yo son and she was pregnant.
she eventually remarried, to a very nice guy and they had another son together.
for a period when they were teenagers, the 2 elder sons decided to pick fights with their stepfather, even though he was the only dad they ever knew.
guess what, it passed.
he is 15, it's a phase and you don't even have to live with him all the time, so just chill, give him space for now.
and apologise first for losing your temper, that seemed to reflect more your own insecurities.
