I Refuse to Support My Retired Mom Financially, I’m Done

Many of us are taught from a young age that family comes first and that supporting our loved ones, especially parents, is a responsibility we must uphold. Jessie initially followed this belief and did her best to help her family, but she is at a breaking point due to her mother’s expectations. She’s reached out to us to share her story, looking for advice on what to do next.

32-year-old Jessie is stuck in a moral dilemma. Looking for support from Bright Side readers, she wrote a letter.

“Dear Bright Side and whoever is reading this, I am sharing my vulnerable situation with you, hoping for an answer. Maybe there is someone out there who also experienced something similar and can help a fellow sister out.”

Jessie reveals that she is tired of taking care of her mom who is retired, and facing an emotional burnout.

“I’m the elder daughter of the family. I have a younger brother Shawn, who is not all that younger, just one year. Growing up, I was always the ’golden child’. My parents made it clear that I was their hope and will have to take care of them. But I never realized what that really meant until last week.”

“My mom showed up in the middle of the night and said, ’There is an emergency! You need to help me!’ I got scared, thinking something terrible might have happened, and my heart started racing. Worried, I asked her what’s wrong.”

“And without a pause, she goes, ’My friend Susan saw this incredible flight deal to Paris! It’s only for a limited time, and you know how much I’ve always wanted to see the Eiffel Tower. I need you to book the tickets before the discount expires!’
It was at that moment I realized, my personal life, struggles, dreams don’t mean much to my family. And no matter how much I help them out, it will never be enough.”

Jessie adds that this was not a one time thing and that she has been helping out her mom for years. “I have been supporting my family ever since I got my first job tutoring neighborhood kids. I was barely making much money, but still I gave a fair share of it to my parents at the time as I was still living with them and thought that was fair.
Well, so was my brother, but my parents never asked anything of him. He always got a free pass and all the responsibilities were on me.”

“My dad passed away 5 years ago and after that things became even harder for me. My parents never had a retirement plan in place and solely relied on me to take off their needs till the end. I work as a professor now and make decent money.
I got my own place a few years ago, but I continued to pay for my mother’s ridiculous expenses, thinking maybe one day she’ll appreciate me, or thank me for my efforts. But it has now hit me hard that that is never going to happen. She thinks this is something that I HAVE to do and what she raised me for.”

“Parenting is not easy, and I’m aware of it. I’m thankful to my parents for raising me and feeding me, but enough is enough. I think I have returned their favors and then some. I am done.”

“I turned my mother away that day, and she looked at me in such disbelief, as if I committed a sin. She hasn’t talked to me or returned my texts since then. I’m not going to lie, I do feel bad for hurting her, but I don’t know if I want to keep living my life this way. I want to start a family, do things that make ME happy, not her. Am I wrong?”

Thank you, Jessie, for writing to us. It sounds like a mentally draining situation, and you’re brave for sharing it. This is a difficult journey, but here are some suggestions that may help:

• Set Clear Boundaries: You can start by setting clear boundaries with your mother about what she can and cannot do. This helps manage expectations and prevents emotional burnout.
• Communicate Openly and Honestly: Have an honest conversation with your mom and tell her how you have been feeling. You may tell her that while you still love her, you are overwhelmed with your own responsibilities and need more independence. You are putting yourself first now.
• Encourage Your Mom to Be More Independent: Encourage your mother to take more responsibility for herself. Take better financial decisions. Relieve your share of family responsibilities by sharing it with your brother.
• Seek Professional Help or Therapy: Professional help can provide strategies for managing guilt, resentment, and other difficult emotions that arise from this kind of family dynamic. Remember, you are not alone and there are people who can help you.

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