I Refused to Host My Ex-Husband and His New Family for Christmas, and Now I’m the Bad Guy

The festive season, so often associated with family bonding and emotional warmth, can also expose an unforeseen challenge: the awkward choreography of life after divorce. When an ex has a history of cheating—and a surprisingly large, unknown set of children—the boundary between kindness and self-protection becomes unclear.

My ex-husband and I have been divorced for just over 5 years now. Our divorce was extremely difficult for me and our kids (currently aged 11 and 9) because we did not part on good terms.

At the time I asked for a divorce, I had just learned that he had been cheating on me for several years and was being DNA tested for 6 potential children he may have fathered during our marriage. My ex-husband ran through every excuse for what he did and attempted to convince me numerous times to stay, but I wasn’t having it, and I called time on our marriage as soon as I knew what he was up to.

It turned out that 5 of the 6 potential kids were his, and he attempted to involve me in discussions with their mothers. I told him none of that had anything to do with me. I have never talked to those women nor to those kids.

But that’s not all. It turned out he already knew about two other kids being biologically who were born during our marriage. They ended up living with him a year after our divorce, and their mother doesn’t appear to be around.

He’s had 5 other children on top of that, and two of them also live with him full-time. The other kids, I don’t know if he sees them or not. I just know they exist.

He sees our children one weekend a month, and he’s not very involved. The only thing he’ll do is call and try to make plans for us to spend time together as a family, and I always shut him down and remind him we are no longer a family. He never wants to speak to or see just the kids, though. He’s always trying to involve me in that.

Despite the bad blood between us, I remained on reasonably good terms with his parents, and they see the kids. My kids love their grandparents.

But now we’re having issues because they feel it would be better for the kids to have both sides come together for Christmas, and for me to host my ex-husband and his children (whichever he has on the day) and for us to function as a family who are there for each other. I told them that was not happening, and I was not pretending that he or those other kids of his are my family.

They told me I shouldn’t hold so much spite for him and the kids, and that as a mother, I should want my kids to know their siblings. They offered to buy the turkey for us as a sign of helping to make it work. I still said no, and they wanted more reasons, and I told them I didn’t have to give any reason, and my answer was still the same.

In truth, this whole idea is awful. I hate my ex, and spending the entire day with him in front of our kids could unfairly burden them with my feelings. They don’t need to see any of the issues between us.

Having him and his kids over would also mean buying presents for his kids, which is not something I want to add to my plate. I have nothing to do with those kids. Not to mention the ones he has all the time have no relationship with their mothers, and any chance he could lie to them and say I’m going to be their new mom, I want to prevent.

He already tries to make us a family, so that’s a concern of mine. I could never be motherly or even have a familial relationship with his other children. That’s never going to happen.

Does my refusal to do this turn me into an awful person? I’m asking because I know we always say to put the kids first, and I believe this is the way to do it, so they don’t see or hear any of the troubles between their dad and me. This is the best way not to get their hopes up (if they have any) for us to be a family again.

Some advice from other users:

• If the father or grandparents want to have the family of kids together for Christmas, it should be arranged and hosted by them. NOT one of the mothers. © bythebrook88 / Reddit
• Good grief, your former in-laws appear delusional. They just want you to host Christmas and run after the kids. If I’m counting right, he has 14 kids in total? © history_buff_9971 / Reddit

What do the experts say?

The emotional health of the primary caregiver, in this case, the mother, is essential for the well-being of the children, according to psychology. It is unreasonable to expect someone to embrace a former unfaithful partner and their current children if this causes them profound distress. The anger and anxiety of the mother are evident, and subjecting the children to an environment of extreme tension or deception can be more harmful than having a “forced united family”.

According to child and adolescent psychiatrist and family therapist, Dr. Michele Barreau, children have the right to know all their siblings, but the introduction must be gradual, voluntary, and conflict-free. It is the father’s duty to appropriately establish the connection between his younger and older children, without pressuring the ex-wife. It is not the mother’s responsibility to facilitate that connection, especially if this leads to unwanted contact with the ex.

What was the worst infidelity that you experienced or witnessed?

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