I Refused to Join the Office Secret Santa, I’m Not Here to Pretend We’re a Family

When building a career, we often have concerns about money, and that can lead to a lot of anxiety. Things get even worse when unexpected expenses are thrown in our laps. One of our readers shared a story on our website expressing her frustration about a recent work event. We reached out to her to find out more details and turned her story into an article.

This is our reader’s story.

Dear Bright Side,

I started a new job this month after being unemployed for a good while. My finances are very tight because of this, so I was hoping this opportunity would provide me with some relief. But unfortunately, nothing is ever as easy as it seems.

On Friday, I found out that every December, our office organizes a huge Secret Santa exchange, and we were all expected to bring a gift with a value of $100. I approached my boss and told her that I wouldn't be able to participate this year.

She asked me why, and I told her, “Sorry, I’m not spending money on gifts when I’m struggling to pay rent!” She seemed to understand and went out to tell my coworkers not to include me in the gift exchange. Everyone said, “It's fine! No worries! We'll catch you next year.”

But when I arrived at the office on Monday, I saw my name crossed out on the team holiday card and someone had written 'Grinch' beside it. My coworkers all seem to be upset with me, with some even saying that I ruined the tradition.

Turns out some of my coworkers complained about me not being part of the experience and my boss ended up telling them why I refused. They feel I could’ve at least made the effort to get a cheaper gift, and say that would’ve been more acceptable than not doing anything at all.

But the problem is that I can’t even afford to stock up my pantry because I’m back paying my rent. That $100 or even $50 could be better spent on me trying to survive instead of giving a coworker something they’ll probably end up throwing away.

Now I’m at a loss. I don’t want to have a bad reputation within the company. But I also don’t want to throw away money I can use for my survival.

So Bright Side, what do you think? Should I buy a cheaper gift, or should I stock up on groceries?

Some advice from our Editorial team.

Dear reader,

Thank you for reaching out and sharing your story with us. We understand how difficult this situation must be for you.

Right now, the issue isn’t the $100 gift. It’s the fact that you walked into a new workplace with no social standing yet, and your private financial situation got turned into public office gossip without your consent.

The “Grinch” comment shows that people aren’t angry because you didn’t spend money. They’re reacting to feeling disrupted in a tradition they see as part of their team identity. That doesn’t make them right, but understanding the emotional mechanics here gives you leverage.

Instead of trying to fix it with money you don’t have, treat it like a PR problem, you need a simple, low-cost gesture that reframes you as a teammate, not the person who “opted out and killed the vibe.” A $100 gift isn’t that gesture, but neither is going silent and letting them assume you don’t care.

Do something symbolic, cheap, and pointedly collegial, like bringing in a tray of homemade cookies, writing a quick note on the card, or participating in a non-monetary tradition if there is one, and then move on with confidence.

You’re signaling, “I can’t afford the big thing yet, but I’m here, I contribute, I’m part of the team.” Spending $100 you don’t have won’t change the reputation issue, demonstrating goodwill in a way you can realistically sustain will.

This reader finds herself between a rock and a hard place, but we know that many of you are also in the same boat. Whether you’re dealing with a difficult family member or having struggles in the workplace, we’d love to hear from you. You are welcome to share your story in the comments, like this reader did. Your experience could help someone else in a similar situation or guide them with much-needed advice.

• I Said I’m Child-Free, and My Coworker Ran Straight to HR