I Wanted to Support My Boyfriend, Not Be His Mother—Now I’m Questioning Everything

There’s a thin line between love and letting someone walk all over you. And our reader may have already crossed it. Though she cares deeply about her partner and wants to support him, especially given his difficult past, she’s starting to feel like her supporting him is actually her enabling his bad behavior. And it may be costing her, her own well-being. She reached out to us for help.

Taken advantage

My BF had a rough childhood, so I like to spoil him. But he’s been taking advantage, making me do everything around the house. I brought it up gently. “Just stop doing it,” he snapped.

I started wondering if I was too hard on him, until I found in a drawer, three months’ worth of unpaid bills. Electricity, internet and so on—the ONLY things he’s officially responsible for. Here I was thinking I’d been helping him get back on his feet, and instead, he’d been lying to me, assuming I’d just handle it when things inevitably blew up.

When I confronted him, he accused me of invading his privacy instead of admitting he’d messed up.

Girlfriend or parent?

Now I’m stuck. On one hand, I really want to be supportive—I know he’s been through a lot and genuinely needs patience and kindness. He had absent parents, had to grow up fast, and take care of his younger siblings. I think now he sees me as the person who’s here to take care of him.

But on the other, I’m starting to feel more like a mom than a girlfriend. I signed up to be a partner, not someone’s personal crisis management service. It’s exhausting feeling like I’m responsible for two adults when only one of us is pulling our weight.

Am I wrong here? Should I be stepping back and letting him deal with his own mess, even if it means watching him struggle? Or am I being harsh, given his past?

Thank you, dear reader, for your letter. We would like to help you.

You can be empathetic, but at what cost?

It’s great that you care about your boyfriend and want to support him—especially since he’s had a tough past. That shows you’re a kind, compassionate person. But the reality of the situation is that he’s using his rough childhood as a free pass to check out of responsibilities that, as a partner, he’s meant to be helping you with.

This means that you’re picking up his slack, when you were never meant to — and that’s him not reciprocating your kindness.

Is this a partnership or a parenting class?

It’s understandable that you feel compelled to help him because he’s someone you love. But his actions seem to lack the maturity to receive help and be accountable. You tried to talk to him calmly, and instead of owning up, he snapped at you: I brought it up gently. “Just stop doing it,” he snapped.

Then you find unpaid bills—the only thing he was supposed to be handling—and when you bring it up, he flips it around and blames you for “snooping”. That does not seem like an adult relationship at all.

It actually seems like he’s relying on you the way a kid relies on a parent. And that’s not fair to you. You didn’t sign up to raise someone—you signed up to build a life with someone.

Talk to someone.

You should probably consider couples therapy or even individual counseling for both of you. For him, it could provide a space for him to process his past and learn responsibility. And for you, to learn how to set boundaries without feeling guilty.

It could also help you to determine if there’s a future in this relationship for the both of you.

Maybe it’s time to step back.

Depending on the outcome of your conversation, you can assess if there’s actually room for growth here. That doesn’t mean stop loving your boyfriend. But if his actions don’t start changing, it might be time to decide if you want to stay on a sinking ship. If he struggles, that’s part of learning. If he refuses to take responsibility and just expects you to keep fixing everything, that’s not love—that’s dependency.

You deserve a partner who shows up for you the way you show up for them.

By expecting adult behavior from an adult, you are not being unkind. A healthy relationship should feel like a team effort and look like two people actually keeping their word.

Spouses have a way of bringing out the worst in their partners. Check out what this woman’s spouse done to bring out a side of her that she regrets, and how we advised her on the matter.