I’m Not Giving My Stepdaughter Any Money—My Husband Thinks I’m In the Right

Every parent has their own rules when it comes to giving their kids an allowance or any pocket money. Some are strictly against it, while others like to throw money at their child’s every request. In this scenario, this woman by the name of Erin puts her foot down and holds the common value of working for your money.

She needed to buy a new phone.

Erin writes, “I recently married and now have a teen stepdaughter, Jane. I make more money than her father. So, she usually comes to me for pocket money. One day, she came from school and asked for money to get a new pair of shoes because hers were worn out. She said, ‘My shoes look so old, everyone is making fun of me! I need new ones.’ I replied, ‘I’m not giving you anything.’ Ever since she moved into the new, bigger house, she thinks her every wish will come true, but that’s not happening. I refused.”

I’m not playing favorites.

She shouted, “You give James (my son) everything he asks for!” The answer is still a no. You might think I’m being unreasonable but I have two big reasons why I’m doing this. Firstly, Jane needs to learn not to take everything for granted. Just because we’re well off, doesn’t mean she’s entitled to get everything she wants. My parents raised me strictly to avoid this exact behavior and I’m following in their footsteps.

You have to earn your money.

“As for the second reason, my son actually earns his allowance. He does chores, like lawn mowing, washing the dishes, and laundry. This teaches better values overall. My husband agrees, but it seems that Jane is still stubborn and thinks I’m playing favorites with James. What do you think I should do?”

Thank you, Erin, for trusting us with your story. It might be challenging to teach a teenager the importance of money, especially when she accuses you of not treating her fairly. We gathered some expert advice for you, and we hope it will help you find the right approach to dealing with your stepdaughter.

1. First thing’s first: Communicate.

You should try and sit down with your stepdaughter for an open and honest conversation. Take the time to explain your reasons for not giving her money directly and how your decision is rooted in broader principles rather than favoritism.

Start by acknowledging her feelings and the difficulties she’s facing to show that you understand her perspective. Then, explain that your decision isn’t about how much you care about her, but rather about teaching her important lessons on the value of money and the benefits of hard work.

2. Offer non-monetary rewards.

Consider providing rewards other than money. This can show her that effort and good behavior are appreciated in other ways. For example, you might allow her an additional hour of screen time on weekends for consistently completing her chores, or plan a special family outing to a place she enjoys, like an amusement park or a zoo, as a reward for her hard work. Additionally, you could cook her favorite meal or let her choose a movie for family movie night.

3. Establish chores.

Create a detailed list of household chores that your stepdaughter can take on to earn money. This list could include tasks like helping with meal preparation, cleaning common areas, organizing her room, or assisting with gardening. By assigning specific responsibilities, you provide her with clear and tangible ways to contribute to the household and earn her own allowance.

4. Life will say, “No.”

Teach your stepdaughter that you won’t always get what you want, and that’s not a personal attack; it’s just life. The sooner you learn to accept “no” without melting down or blaming everyone else, the stronger and more resilient you’ll become. Throwing a tantrum, whether it’s yelling, guilt-tripping, silent treatment, or social media rants, doesn’t change the outcome. It just makes it harder for people to take you seriously.

5. Be consistent.

Maintain consistency in your approach to both children. Apply rules and expectations equally to foster a sense of fairness and balance in the family. Set clear guidelines for earning allowances, completing chores, and behavior expectations.

Discuss and establish household rules as a family, involving both your son and stepdaughter. This helps them feel included and understand that the rules apply to everyone equally.

6. Encourage savings.

Teach both your son and stepdaughter the importance of saving money. Help them set up savings goals and understand the benefits of managing their finances wisely. You can start by explaining the concept of saving and how it can help them achieve their future goals, such as buying something they really want, saving for college, or even planning for a big trip.

7. Gratitude isn’t optional.

Both Jane and James need to know that life doesn’t owe them anything. They should be thankful for what they have, even if it’s not perfect. Gratitude changes your perspective and helps you grow. They can practice gratitude at the dinner table or in everyday personal affirmations.

Parenting is a dynamic role; as your kids grow older, you need to adapt different techniques to get through to them. In this case, Jane needed some tough love to learn the value of money and how you need to earn it. At the end of the day, you should cherish the family you have, since it’s one of life’s greatest gifts, as proven by these families.