I am a working mom, juggling bills, kids, daycare costs, and a marriage that is not some fairytale safety net. Money stress is my daily background noise. Childcare alone eats up a huge chunk of my income, and some months I am choosing between savings and basic comfort.
So when family money got dragged into this, I stood my ground. But now everyone is making me out to be the family villain.
Hi everyone!
I’m writing this because I’m honestly confused, angry and just tired. For some background, I have been the “responsible” child for as long as I can remember.
For 12 years straight, I paid my parents’ bills. Electricity, medical expenses, groceries, random emergencies, I covered it. I never kept score because they are my parents.
My brother helped occasionally, but most of it fell on me because I was stable and married, or at least that is how they saw it. My brother got a free pass, always, for being younger than me. He never had a stable job. No one asked how tight things were for me or how often I skipped things for myself. They just liked the free help.
A few weeks ago, my dad casually mentioned inheritance while we were talking. I assumed he meant dividing things fairly someday.
Instead, he shocked me by saying he was giving his entire inheritance to my brother. I honestly thought I misheard him. When I questioned him, calmly at first, he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Your husband will take care of you.”
That sentence still rings in my head. Like my years of financial support meant nothing. Like my independence did not count. Like I was just someone else’s responsibility.
Yes, my husband is rich, but let’s just say we’re not on great terms. I take care of myself financially and we both pool for the kids. And anyway, how is that relevant?
I lost it. I stormed off because I knew if I stayed, I would say something I could not take back.
On the drive home, all I could think about was how unfair it felt. I cannot even afford childcare without stress, but apparently, I am supposed to be fine with giving up any claim because I am married.
My brother has no kids, fewer expenses, and never paid their bills the way I did. Yet, he gets everything because he will carry on the “family name”.
Later that night, I froze when I found out the full story. My mom called and quietly told me my dad had already started paperwork to transfer assets to my brother before even talking to me. She said my dad thinks this is a “family tradition”.
Hearing that made me feel invisible. Like all those years of helping were erased with one outdated belief. And what’s worse is my mom was trying to convince me, gaslight me into thinking that this was all normal, and I was the one overreacting, being selfish and not thinking of my brother.
Am I really wrong here?
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Sounds like all you have contributed has made no difference to how they perceive you. Time to put on your own oxygen mask first and stop paying all their expenses and put that money aside in your own personal account. Seems like your marriage may not be real safe for the longterm; not sure if there is a pre nuptial agreement but you must protect yourself and your kids.
I would stop helping them.
HOW and WITH WHAT did her father build his inheritance? No amount is mentioned here so it could be a $5000 inheritance or much more....in any event, if she has been paying his bills she needs to stop. She should tell her parents to now use the money they've been able to accumulate because she paid their bills for 12 years and she is not paying any more of their bills. She should then go an open two bank accounts: a joint one with her husband that he knows about, and a private one that is only hers that nobody else knows about. That bank account should be at a different bank with no statements being sent to the house =-- keep it online with a strong unbreakable password and don't show the icon for this bank on your phone in case hubby uses your phone. Whatever money she has that was being used for the parents bills should then be paid into these two accounts -- the joint one with her husband can be for vacations, emergencies, school fees, home repairs, etfc. The private account that ONLY she knows about is her own personal emergency or escape money in case she needs something in the future NOBODY ELSE should know about her private account otherwise other people will haunt her for the money. If her parents want money from her and/or hubby in futurre, tell them to go pound sand, twelve years of her supporting them is long enough for them to have gotten on their feet.
Why are you paying their bills if he's got money and assets? I'd send a bill for every penny!
So don't pay for anything else. And your story doesn't make sense. Your husband is rich and helps with the kid stuff but you can't afford daycare. Sounds like your marriage is in the rocks. It's your parents money so they can do what they want with it but it does suck. But tell them that if your brother burns though all the money and sells there property out from under them your not going to lift a finger to help them.
