Being a grandparent can be both a blessing and a curse. They’re an extension of your family, and you love them to bits and pieces. But sometimes there are unspoken expectations that could ruin relationships. Our reader, Clair, went through something like that recently.
Dear <strong>Bright Side,
For the last 40 years, I’ve worked hard because I wanted to retire early and have a chance to finally relax. I spent years planning a Europe trip where I would visit all the countries I’ve always wanted to see. It was a gift to myself for all the hard work I had done.
Last week, I officially retired, and I planned a family dinner to celebrate. I invited my eldest son, his wife, and my daughter. My youngest son couldn’t make it because he lives in another state. At the dinner, I told my family that it was my last day at work, and I was finally a free woman.
My DIL’s face lit up, and I could tell she was thrilled. Then she said, “Now you can watch the kids every day!” I just smiled, but inside I was fuming. How could she assume that my free time belonged to her now that I was retired?
The rest of the night was tense. My DIL kept talking about all the things I could do with the kids. My son just sat there speechless. And my daughter, who knew about the trip, was stunned into silence. Then, as they were leaving, I pulled my son aside and told him that I had plans, I couldn’t watch his kids.
He said that he didn’t expect me to and that he would speak to his wife. But the next day, she showed up at the door with the kids. I couldn’t just chase them away, so I took them in. But as soon as they left that night, I called my youngest son.
I told him what had happened and asked him if I could stay at his apartment until my first flight departed next month. He agreed and I booked the first flight out. That was two days ago, and my phone has been blowing up with calls and messages from my DIL ever since.
So last night I found the courage to sit down and write her a message. I told her that I’m not ready to become a free babysitter the moment I retire. They’ve been hiring babysitters for years, so I don’t understand why it should be my responsibility now that I’ve retired.
Now my DIL is angry with me. She says I’m being selfish and choosing a trip over my grandchildren. So Bright Side, is it wrong of me to want some time to myself now that I’m retired?
Regards,
Claire L.
Thank you for reaching out to us, Claire. We understand that this situation is difficult and that it’s making you have doubts about your plans. So we’ve put together a few tips that might be helpful.
Your DIL is the selfish one. You didn't work hard all your life just to be saddled with someone else's children. Those kids are your DIL and son's kids. Let them be responsible for them. The next time the selfish woman shows up at your door with the kids bite the bullet and tell her NO and then close the door. Follow thru on your plans for retirement and enjoy yourself.
If you were going for a month, make it six weeks. That way, the message is crystal clear. You’re living your life, not waiting around to babysit. When you come back, the family will already be used to handling childcare without leaning on you.
Right after your trip, schedule activities you enjoy, like volunteering, joining a travel club, or even weekend getaways. If your DIL asks for daily childcare, you’ll already have legitimate plans you can point to instead of feeling cornered.
Instead of being the default babysitter, ask your kids to help you occasionally. They can give you a ride to the airport or water your plants while you’re gone. This subtly reminds them you’re not there solely to provide a service, and it balances the relationship.
Claire is in the right with setting her boundaries, and it seems like her son agrees. But she’s not the only one of our readers who is having problems with a daughter-in-law.
Rita reached out to our team and told us about her daughter-in-law, who is trying to kick her out of the house that she paid for. Read her story here.
