Family arrangements can be difficult, especially when it comes to caring for a child. Sometimes even the best of intentions can lead to deep conflict. Lyla, one of our readers, wrote in to share a situation she experienced with her mother-in-law, who initially offered to care for her baby until she decided to put her passion first.
How far does flexibility go, and when is it necessary to set boundaries, even if it hurts? Here’s what she told us.
“Hello, Bright Side.
I am writing to you because I am having a hard time talking about this with people close to me, and I need an honest, outside look. I want to know if I did the right thing, if I was unfair, or if I just reacted as any mother would.
A few months ago, I returned to work after my maternity leave. It was a tough time: saying goodbye to the baby, readjusting as a family, reorganizing our routines. Fortunately, my mother-in-law — a rather eccentric but well-meaning woman — offered to take care of my baby during the day. She seemed ideal: someone reliable, experienced, and available.
The only thing on her agenda was her favorite hobby: making handmade candles. Something that seemed harmless, even tender. She would always give us a candle or two with impossible scents. We took it as part of her personality.”
“Everything was fine. Until one day I came home early. As I walked into the nursery, what I saw chilled me to the bone.
An unknown woman was holding my son. She smiled at me like it was nothing and said she was ’the new nurse.’ I thought it was a joke. But it wasn’t.
I immediately called my mother-in-law. She answered in her usual sing-songy voice, as if nothing out of the ordinary had happened.
When I asked her who this woman was, she answered naturally, ’Ah, yes! I wanted to tell you. Since I’m selling a lot of candles, I decided to hire someone to help me with the baby. I needed more time to take care of the orders. This is becoming a real business!’”
“I was silent. I felt a mixture of anger, fear, and betrayal. I told her that she couldn’t make those kinds of decisions on her own, that what she had done was a very serious offense. She was offended. She told me that I was ungrateful, that she was doing it all out of love, and that she couldn’t continue to put her life on hold for us.
The conversation got rougher and rougher. At one point, I said something to her that may have sounded colder than I felt, ’We are not asking you to sacrifice yourself. But we are asking you to honor the agreement. If you can’t, say so, and we’ll find another solution. But don’t decide for us what is best for our son.’
That night, my husband also spoke to her. He tried to calm the waters, but made it clear that we would not let this happen again. He suggested that she hire someone, yes, but to run her business, not to take care of the baby.”
“Since then, things have been... Different.
She still comes in, but she doesn’t stay all day. The woman she hired now works with her, helping her pack orders and manage the company’s social networks. My mother-in-law has become a grandmother again. But something broke.
The relationship continues, but it is marked by an uncomfortable silence. She is correct, but distant. And I... I can’t help but look at her with suspicion. I find it hard to forget what she has done. I find it hard to forgive her. I feel guilty for feeling this way, but I also don’t want to pretend that everything is okay when it’s not.
Was I wrong to set boundaries, should I have handled it differently, how do you rebuild trust when someone you are supposed to care about ends up jeopardizing the most valuable thing you have?
I want your opinion. I need to know if I was unfair. Or just a mother defending her child. Thank you so much!
— Lyla.”
Thank you, Lyla, for trusting us and encouraging us to share your very personal and painful story. We know it is not easy to reveal such a tense family situation, especially when there are mixed feelings, difficult decisions, and painful attachments. Your experience will undoubtedly resonate with many readers who have gone through something similar.
From Bright Side, we would like to offer some tips that may help you move through this time with greater clarity and serenity.
Lyla’s story is an example of how family bonds, no matter how close, can become strained when communication fails and priorities aren’t aligned. Now it’s your turn: What would you have done in her place? Do you think Lyla was too harsh, or did she do the right thing? Your experience may help her see things from a different perspective.
And if you’re interested in more true stories about the challenges that arise in the heart of a family, we invite you to read this article.
I don't even WANT kids, but I'd have told grandma to shove the "nurse" and herself the heck out of my home, because she broke your trust and the agreement you had for GRANDMA to watch the baby. Grandma would be let back into the house and the kid's life when the kid doesn't need a sitter anymore and grandma proves she is trustworthy! Sorry brightside, but this time there is no need to see anything from "the other side's perspective".
You were completely right but I do have an issue with how this was handled. Your MIL is doing you a tremendous favor. Yes, her judgement was way off but her actions came from the heart. I think a calm discussion that also acknowledged the sacrifice she's making for you two would have been a better way to go.
I suspect the MIL told her son she was hiring someone and the communication failure is between the two parents.
I dont feel grandma intentionally set out to hurt anyone a put the baby in danger. You trusted her to care for ur baby and she struggled to do both so she hired a nanny that in positive she is paying. Which leaves me to believe ur not paying her. I think ur mad at the fact she just did it without ur consent when in reality you are going to have to do it at some point
This situation underscores the critical importance of clear communication and established boundaries in familial relationships, especially concerning childcare. While the MIL may have believed she was acting in everyone's best interest, her unilateral decision to delegate childcare responsibilities without parental consent was inappropriate and potentially dangerous.
Lyla's response—expressing her concerns and setting firm boundaries—was both reasonable and necessary. Ensuring the safety and well-being of one's child is paramount, and any actions that compromise that safety must be addressed directly.
