My MIL Keeps Severely Disrespecting Me so I Stop Cooking and Cleaning for Her

Marriages in certain cultures don’t just bring together two people but whole families. Cultural disparities can complicate these unions, leading to stress for both spouses. This scenario mirrors the experience of a woman who opted to disclose her ordeal on the internet.

This is her story:

I (21) am heavily pregnant with twins and have a 2-year-old son. My husband (27) insisted that we have his mom move in with us due to her losing her husband (6 months prior) and older age.

Since then, I felt uncomfortable living with my mother-in-law because she is extremely nitpicking and always finds something wrong with the way I do things. I’m from another culture than her, but I do my best to respect her culture.

Ever since she moved in with me, she has been ordering me around and since she is my husband’s mother I have been doing my best to please her, but no matter what I do, I can’t.

She finds some kinda fault with everything I do! It has gotten so stressful for me that it ends up leaving me in tears. This one time she asked me to cook a dish from her homeland, but she refused to help me prepare. And she took only one bite to tell me it was awful and threw her whole plate out.

With cleaning, she’s always watching me, telling me that I’m not cleaning right and that she doesn’t understand how her son could marry someone who doesn’t even know how to be a wife.

I just feel like she’s disrespectful and when I try to ask her to treat me better she’ll go run to my husband claiming I was the one being disrespectful to her.

I’m pregnant and exhausted and can no longer cope with this, so I told my mother-in-law that enough is enough and that I’m no longer doing anything for her until she learns to treat me with respect and whether she likes it or not I’m the mother of her grandson and unborn granddaughters which makes me family.

She told me that women out here don’t know how to respect their elders, and she’s disgusted her son chose me. She ended up calling my husband, which of course my husband heard her side of the story and sympathized with his mom without even listening to me.

He’s upset and thinks I should be putting more effort into keeping the relationship with his mom, especially because she is still grieving.

But the thing is, I brought this to my husband’s attention enough times and all he did was downplay his mom’s actions and claim that she’s warmed up to me soon enough, which she hasn’t.

People share their point of view:

Netizens rallied to the author’s defense, which is understandable. Here’s a summary of some of their responses:

• That this will never stop. Your husband has shown where his loyalty lies and it’s not with you; it’s with his mom. As such, you can expect this to continue until mom dies. Sooner70 / Reddit
• Do you have anyone you can go stay with? You are pregnant with twins and have a toddler. You should be taking it easy. Bring your husband and MIL to the next doctor’s appointment, and tell the doctor how you are exhausted, not feeling well, and how much you are doing around the house, chasing after 2 years old, cooking for your MIL, etc., and let the doctor SHAME them both because I am sure your doctor won’t be thrilled. duckingridiculous / Reddit
• Love, I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I’m from a South Asian background, and this is exactly how all the women in my family, including my dear mother, have been treated by their in-laws. The sons are always mama’s boys, perpetuating this toxic cycle of abuse. It’s what has driven me, as a woman, to seek relationships outside my culture, fearing I might fall into the same dynamic. This is entirely cultural; we’re expected to serve our elders even when they’re wrong, leading to further grief if we don’t comply. From my experience, this dynamic rarely changes. Your options are to divorce and move on or endure the abuse until it breaks you down. Sadly, all the women I know in similar situations have been broken down over the years.
  Don’t misunderstand; our culture has beautiful aspects, and not every family behaves this way. However, the reality is that the family dynamic you’re experiencing is common, and if it’s happening now, it’ll be hard to escape later in life. Leaving is essential. MerlinBangsGaius / Reddit

Here’s from the psychologists’ perspective:

If you’re encountering challenges with your MIL or navigating cultural differences with your in-laws, psychologists offer the following advice to maintain positive relationships:

• Acknowledge dynamics: Recognize if your MIL views you as a threat to her relationship with her child, which may lead to interference in family matters. Rather than reacting negatively, discuss the situation with your partner to find constructive solutions, such as temporary separation until after childbirth.
• Initiate dialogue: Invite your MIL for a casual meeting to address concerns openly. Begin by clarifying your intentions to understand her perspective and the reasons behind her behavior. Approach the conversation collaboratively to uncover underlying issues and work towards a resolution.
• Navigate cultural conflicts: When essential topics clash due to cultural differences, assert the importance of personal autonomy in decision-making with your spouse. Emphasize that certain aspects of life are deeply personal and require mutual respect, regardless of differing viewpoints.

Another woman sought solace on social media after her MIL’s interference during her son’s birth. However, her greatest disappointment stemmed from her husband’s handling of the situation. Read her full story here.