Toxic Remarks From Older Parents That Can Shake New Parents’ Confidence

Family & kids
6 hours ago

Becoming a new parent is like stepping onto a rollercoaster of emotions. Hormones, exhaustion, and self-doubt make it easy for even a well-intended comment to sting. Experts say that criticism—especially from trusted figures like older parents or in-laws—can exacerbate postpartum anxiety and feelings of inadequacy. When comments undermine a parent’s confidence, they can lead to second-guessing, guilt, or frustration.

To prevent this, it’s essential to be aware of the phrases that unintentionally chip away at a new parent’s confidence.

Harmful phrases older parents say (and why they hurt):

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  • “Your baby doesn’t talk much—are you sure everything’s okay?”

Why it’s harmful: While milestones are important, pointing out potential delays without expertise can create unnecessary panic or guilt.

How to reframe: Encourage rather than critique: “Babies develop at their own pace—it’s incredible to see how they grow in their own time!”

  • “We never did it that way, and you turned out fine.”

Why it’s harmful: This comment invalidates the choices of modern parenting. It suggests that new parents are overcomplicating things or being unnecessarily cautious.

How to reframe: Instead of challenging their methods, say, “It’s amazing how parenting evolves—tell me more about why you chose that.”

  • “Why are you still breastfeeding/bottle-feeding? Isn’t it time to stop?”

Why it’s harmful: Feeding choices are deeply personal and often tied to the parent’s health, lifestyle, and the baby’s needs. Such comments can make parents feel judged or inadequate.

How to reframe: Try saying, “You’re doing such a great job feeding your baby. How can I support you?”

  • “You’re spoiling the baby by holding them too much.”

Why it’s harmful: This perpetuates outdated beliefs and undermines the parent’s instincts to comfort their child. Experts confirm that responding to a baby’s needs fosters emotional security.

How to reframe: Say, “Your baby is so lucky to have parents who give them so much love.”

  • “Back in my day, we didn’t have all these gadgets and advice books.”

Why it’s harmful: This phrase dismisses the tools and resources modern parents rely on to feel supported and informed.

How to reframe: Opt for curiosity instead: “I didn’t have that when I was raising kids. How does it work?”

  • “Let them cry it out—it’s good for their lungs.”

Why it’s harmful: This outdated advice often conflicts with modern parenting practices, which emphasize responsiveness and emotional connection.

How to reframe: Instead of promoting a specific method, say, “How’s the baby’s sleep going? It’s such a big adjustment for everyone.”

  • “You’re not going back to work already, are you?” (or “You’re not staying home, are you?”)

Why it’s harmful: This comment places parents in a lose-lose situation, making them feel judged no matter what decision they make about work and family balance.

How to reframe: Support them by saying, “It’s great that you’re doing what’s best for your family.”

  • “You’re overreacting—it’s just a phase.”

Why it’s harmful: Dismissing a parent’s concerns can make them feel unheard and invalidated, even if the intention is to reassure them.

How to reframe: Say, “That sounds tough. How can I help?” This shows empathy while acknowledging their feelings.

  • “A little piece of chocolate won’t hurt the baby.”

Why it’s harmful: Pressuring parents to introduce foods or practices before they’re ready can lead to anxiety or guilt.

How to reframe: Respect their choices with, “You know your baby best—I’ll follow your lead on what’s okay for them.”

  • “You look tired—you should rest more.”

Why it’s harmful: While it may be true, pointing out a parent’s exhaustion often feels like criticism rather than compassion.

How to reframe: Instead of stating the obvious, offer help: “You’ve been working so hard. Let me take over while you get some rest.”

All in all, while often intended as gestures of care, such comments can feel intrusive or critical, particularly for new parents navigating body image changes, postpartum recovery, or simply trying to find their balance. It can also add unnecessary pressure about how they “should” manage their diet.

There should be balance in everything that we do. For example, a new mother shouldn't eat for 2 people if they don't want to; otherwise, they might fail to recognize themselves in the mirror after several years and get a portion of new toxic comments hidden with care.

How grandparents can avoid missteps:

Older parents often repeat what worked for them decades ago, but parenting evolves. Here’s how grandparents can bridge the gap:

  • Be open to learning: Understanding modern parenting methods shows respect for the new parents’ decisions.
  • Share stories, not judgments: Instead of comparing, share humorous or heartfelt anecdotes about your own parenting journey to foster empathy.
  • Focus on the baby’s joy: celebrate milestones and the baby’s happiness instead of critiquing the parents’ methods.

Real-life stories of how deep comments can cut:

  • My twins were micro-preemies—70 days in the hospital, and one of them had some major feeding issues for 4 months after coming home (came home with a feeding tube).
    Both comments from my mother: “You’re so lucky they came early; you don’t have stretch marks! Your stomach could have been destroyed!”
    “Do you think you passed your eating disorder down to your daughter?” @saillavee / Reddit
  • At 4 days PP, my in-laws were over visiting the baby. As I walked into the room, my FIL said, "You need to start tying down your stomach." I was already sleep-deprived, hormonal, and could barely sit because of my stitches, so having someone comment on the way I looked was the very last thing I needed. @Unknown author / Reddit
  • My in-laws, who HAD to schedule their visit 10 days after my due date, and of course, I went to 41 weeks and had a long labor and emergency c-section (aka the day we got home from the hospital, they arrived an hour later and sat in my living room for a week): “How long does she have to milk herself for???” As I’m upstairs pumping so I can triple-feed my son 😒😒 I get over most things fairly easily, but this one still pisses me off. @ramonacoaster / Reddit
  • A friend of 8 years came to meet the baby a few days after I came back from the hospital. She suddenly said, “Are you sad about the stretch marks and the weight you gained?” There I was with cracked nipples, mastitis, a fever, pain from the episiotomy, and the most sleep-deprived I’ve ever been. I hadn’t even thought about the way I looked.
    That’s when I realized how vain, immature, and toxic this friend is. We don’t talk much since then. @Unknown author / Reddit

Safeguarding your family and putting its well-being first is never an easy feat, especially when emotions are running high. One soon-to-be dad opens up about the tough choice he made to prioritize his pregnant wife’s health above all else. Discover how he navigated setting firm yet heartfelt boundaries to protect his growing family.

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