I Excluded My ‘Adopted Sister’ From My Wedding Photos

Who you consider family differs for everyone, it is subjective for the most part. Blood is one of the main bases for family, and another is the bond created with other people. There are various dynamics and factors to consider for each individual. A Reddit user asked the community if she was wrong in the way she treated her “adopted sister” at her wedding.

Reddit user wrote, [Edited] “I am 26 F, and I have an ’adopted sister’, Ally,14 F, but I don’t consider her as a family. The way we’re ’related’ is that my younger brother Michael (24 M) has been with his wife Maya (24 F) since their freshman year of high school. Maya and Ally had a really bad home life, and my mom is very much a ’my home is open to everyone’ type of person.”

“So over that year, Maya began spending more and more time at our house, eventually bringing Ally over as well since she was always babysitting. By the time Michael and Maya were 16 years old, Maya basically lived in the guest room, and Ally spent after school, most weekends, holidays, and summer vacations at our house.”

“My mom and dad say that they love both Maya and Ally like their own children. My other siblings (18 M and 16 F) also treat her like she’s a part of the family. Even after Maya and Michael moved out, Ally is still at their house the same amount, if not more, than she was before.”

She added, “Now, to preface, I have nothing against Ally. She’s a good kid, and I make an effort to be nice to her. However, I’ve never really liked how she was foisted into our lives. She’s not actually adopted, and she *still has parents and her own family*.

Yet my parents spend so much time and resources on her, it’s ridiculous. Everyone else has started unironically calling her their daughter or sister, and I’ve refused. I just don’t consider her to be family.”

[Edited] “Anyways, I got married recently, which is where the issues start. I invited Ally to the wedding, of course, and she came with all of my other family. When we were doing pictures at my wedding, I wanted a photo with just my immediate family (parents, siblings, SIL, niece).”

“When my mom tried to include Ally, I said no. My mom started to get upset, but then Ally said it was okay and sat down by herself. My mom isn’t a very confrontational person, so she didn’t make a big deal of it, but then everyone else realized that Ally wasn’t there, and they got mad as well.”

[Edited] “Ultimately, we took the photo how I wanted it because they ’didn’t want to do this at my wedding,’ but my entire family is annoyed at me now. Later that night, I found out from Mom that Ally cried when she got home because I don’t love her, which I don’t.”

“I feel like they forced me into a position where I had to do a rude thing by forcing this kid onto me. I don’t think I should have to consider her family if I don’t want to. Am I contemptible?”

She also clarified, “After the ceremony but before the reception, the wedding party and both of our close families took photos. I did not include Ally in this photo session, and she sat with the rest of the regular guests, waiting for dinner.”

“I did not intentionally exclude her from any of the photos taken. I’m sure she’s in some of them from throughout the night, especially because she was there with my family. I hope that clears some things up. Maya and Ally are sisters. Sorry, forgot to explicitly say that in my post.”

She further clarified on her final edit, “The people who are agreeing with me are starting to convince me that I’m wrong. To the people calling my parents nasty things in my PMs or just saying that they aren’t good people: you’re dead wrong. My mom is the most caring and kind-hearted woman in the world, and I should have made that clearer in my post.”

“To be clear, I am also not a monster. I don’t mistreat Ally. I get her birthday and Christmas gifts every year.”

“However, I am starting to understand that I did do a rude thing by publicly excluding her at my wedding because I wanted it to be exactly how I imagined, especially because my mom was apparently blindsided by my feelings.”

“I was 16-18 when Ally started coming around a lot, and I didn’t form the same bond everyone else did. I never super liked being around kids, including my sister, who by all accounts behaved way worse than Ally ever did. But I recognize that she’s become a part of our family. And I think I’m going to make more of an effort to get to know her properly, because I do know she is very mature and intelligent for her age.”

“Also, I don’t mean to minimize what Maya and Ally have gone through. By saying she had no physical damage, I more so meant to explain why she hadn’t been legally removed from her mother’s house. She does have extended family that actually cares about her, but they live at minimum an hour away, so she stays with my parents the majority of the time.”

“Thank you for all of your input.”

The post acquired conflicting opinions on the user’s post. Some of the comments are as follows:

• I’m so sorry, but you are. Unless my math is failing me, this child entered your life when you were 16, and she was about 4, and you already had 3 other biological siblings younger than you but older than her. Your words sound resentful, as if you started being neglected at that time.
  But you’re taking it out on Ally like her sister/babysitter removing her from her really bad home life as a preschooler was her fault. Like she had designs on worming her way into your family.
  That’s not what happened. I hope you understand that. Perhaps therapy could help. © Particular_Title42 / Reddit
• You’re not. I think a bottom-line principle is that nobody should ever be forced to be family with anyone, PERIOD. All these commenters seem to grasp that just fine when a stepsibling or stepparent is forced onto someone. That framework applies here.
  If you truly are kind to Ally, that’s all that you owe her. You are allowed to take a family photo at your wedding. © MaybeHughes / Reddit
• You are. You said this girl has been living with you and your family for 8 of her 14 years (since your 24y/o brother was 16). More than half of her life, and basically a 3rd of yours. That is a LONG time.
  On top of that, you let her sister in the picture. You say you wanted a picture with your “immediate family” but included Maya (the girl’s sister) and Maya’s daughter (the girl’s niece) who, despite being the spouse and child of your brother, would not be considered “immediate family”.
  You basically included every important person in this girl’s life in the picture, but not her. I’m normally very much on the side of “it’s your wedding, it’s your call,” but this seems like you are being unnecessarily cruel to a child that clearly is in an already horrible situation. © YDoEyeNeedAName / Reddit
• This is a hard one. OP was already 18 when Ally moved in “most” time. The other siblings and parents spent vastly more time at home, with Ally being around almost all the time than OP. If OP wasn’t around to establish a sibling relationship with a child that wasn’t actually adopted full-time by her own family, how can you call her contemptible for not considering her family?
  She’s not OP’s sister, never was. Not biologically, not legally, and not by choice either. She should’ve been included in a bigger family photo, but I can see how OP would not want her in her immediate family-Ally is her SIL’s sister, not immediate family.
  It’s not Ally’s fault that her biological family let her be nearly 100% cared for by another family. It’s not OP’s fault for already being grown up and not having a sisterly relationship with a child. It’s also not anyone’s fault that OP’s parents are super caring and would take in children not belonging to them to give them a better life. © Jmfroggie / Reddit

Families are different for everyone, just like the opinions of the Reddit community in this situation. Here’s another wedding story about a woman not wanting to be her sister’s bridesmaid; check this link.