I Refuse to Babysit My Ex-Wife’s Sick Child, He’s Not My Responsibility

When a child gets seriously ill, most people think the right thing to do is help, no questions asked. But what if the child isn’t yours? And what if the person asking is an ex you’ve cut ties with? That’s exactly what happened in a story that our reader sent us.

Thomas’s letter

Dear Bright Side,

My ex-wife called me crying and said her son was sick. I sent her some money. A few days later, she asked if I could watch him for the weekend.

I hesitated. I was busy, had plans with my girlfriend, and honestly, I didn’t feel like stepping back into that role. I told her I couldn’t.

But then she asked something that knocked the wind out of me. She said, “If you care about him, you should move in with us. Just for a while.” I couldn’t believe it.

I’m dating someone else now, and she doesn’t even know I’ve been helping my ex. I care about the boy — I really do — but moving in? That’s too much. I told her no, but now she’s not letting me see the kid.

Am I wrong for drawing a line?

Sincerely,
Thomas

Thanks, Thomas, for opening up and sharing your story. We’ve put together some guidance to help you navigate this delicate situation.

Get clear on what role you want to play.

• Before reacting to your ex or your current partner, ask yourself privately, “What kind of relationship do I want to have with this child in five years?” Not just now. If you’ve played a fatherly role and still care for the kid, that has long-term emotional stakes. Clarity here will make your next decisions easier and more grounded.

Stop keeping secrets from your current partner.

• You don’t have to overshare every detail, but keeping your support for your ex and her son hidden is a time bomb. Your girlfriend deserves honesty.
  Say something like, “Before you hear this from someone else, or it causes tension, I’ve been helping my ex because her son was sick. I care about him, but I’m not going back. I just want you to know the full picture.” This builds trust and prevents further emotional messes down the line.

Don’t reward manipulative behavior, even if it comes from pain.

• Your ex cutting you off from the child after you didn’t agree to move in is emotional blackmail. It’s painful, and it’s probably coming from her own overwhelm, but you have to set boundaries without guilt.

Offer a consistent, limited support plan.

• If you still want to be involved, suggest a manageable, non-negotiable level of support. Example: “I can take him one day every other weekend,” or “I’ll help financially with specific needs, not open-ended transfers.” This gives you structure and avoids creeping back into your old life unintentionally.

Consider legal or therapeutic guidance if it escalates.

• If you were a father figure long-term and the child sees you that way, some experts might help preserve visitation rights, even if you’re not biologically related. Or you could try a family therapist to navigate co-parenting boundaries without rekindling romantic involvement.

Boundaries are important, but sometimes compromises are necessary, other people have shared similar experiences.