The loss of a family member can have severe impacts. It can lead to depression and often the loss of friendships. But at the end of the day, there’s always someone to blame because it’s actions that cause these consequences. One of our readers shared his experience.
Dear <strong>Bright Side,
A few months ago, my best friend lost his last living family member. It was his only brother, and the two of them were closer than I could ever dream of being with one of my siblings. So it was understandable that the grief hit him hard.
He was a very broken version of the man I used to know, and it cost him more than any of us realized. He lost his job because he couldn’t hold back his emotions. His girlfriend of three years walked out on him. And he was slowly falling into debt.
It took him a while to come forward, but then he told me everything, and I was just as devastated as he was, so I really felt for him. I understood that it would take time for him to get back on his feet. He needed to find another job and maintain his accounts while he was looking.
So I sat and thought about ways I could help him out. The company I was working for wasn’t hiring, so that was off the table, and honestly he needed to start taking care of himself better before he’d be considered for any position.
Which meant I only had one option left. I had been saving to buy a house for the last few years, and I decided to use some of that money to help my friend get back on his feet. I covered his rent and bought him groceries for six months, thinking he should be sorted by then.
He was so grateful, and for a good while it looked like he was putting in the effort. But recently he started asking me for money. Not big amounts or anything to be suspicious about. It was a few $100 here to buy a suit and some money there to get an Uber for an interview.
I helped where I could, but then I stepped into a bit of a mess on my own. My employer cut our pay and I had been living off the rest of my savings while trying to get back on my feet. So last week, when I asked for money, I told him I couldn’t help anymore. He lost it.
Imagine my horror when he accused me of ruining his chances to get a really good job. The next day, I found out that he needed the money to go for a second interview. He was sure he was going to get it because he got along with the hiring manager, but because he didn’t come, they pulled the offer.
Now I don’t know what to do. So Bright Side, what do you think? Should I try to fix this opportunity for my friend? Or should I keep the last money I have and get myself sorted?
Regards,
Paul D.
You can't help anyone if you're drowning. And think honestly about the answer to this; would he be doing this for you? Has he offered to pay you back? You lost out on buying a house for how many years now? Take care of yourself. Tell him clearly that you no longer have any $$ to loan him. Not even $20.
You have been a good friend and went above and beyond to help him. You must put on your own oxygen mask first. You have now postponed buying your first home because you helped him. Grief has no time line but he may benefit from counselling to help him get back on track.
Dear Paul,
Thank you for reaching out and sharing your story with us.
Stop trying to save the version of him that existed before the loss, and deal with the person he is right now. You already did more than most people ever would. You didn’t lend pocket change; you put your future home on hold to stabilize his life for six full months.
That wasn’t a favor, that was a lifeline. The problem isn’t that you stopped helping. The problem is that somewhere along the way, your support quietly turned into an expectation, and the moment you couldn’t meet it, he rewrote the story to make you the obstacle instead of his circumstances.
A second interview doesn’t disappear because someone missed an Uber. Job offers don’t hinge on one friend’s bank account. That accusation is grief talking, yes, but it’s also deflection.
If you drain the last of your savings now, you won’t be “fixing” anything. You’ll just be creating two people in crisis instead of one. The kindest, most honest thing you can do is acknowledge his pain without taking responsibility for outcomes you don’t control.
You can offer emotional support, help him plan, even sit with him while he makes calls, but the money stops here. Saving yourself is not betrayal. It’s the only reason you were able to help him at all in the first place.
Paul finds himself in a difficult position because his friend is being unreasonable. But he can only do what is within his realm of possibility. He isn’t the only one with friendship struggles, though.
Another one of our readers reached out to share their experience. You can read the full story here: My Best Friend Used Me for Money for Years, So I Gave Her the Most Expensive Revenge.
