I Refuse to Give My Dad Money for Emergency—My Family Hates Me

Her dad gave $15k to help with the first house, swearing it came with no strings. Then he demanded it back. For his girlfriend’s son. Now she is torn between keeping the home and keeping the peace.

My fiancé (30M) and I (28F) have been saving for a house for years. Back in February, my dad (58M) offered to gift us $15,000 to help with the down payment. He said he wanted to see us in our first home while he’s still around and made a big deal about how it was no strings attached.
We found a place in April, put in an offer, and it was accepted. As part of the process, I transferred my savings and his $15k into our joint account so the mortgage broker could see proof of funds. Everything was on track until last month, when my dad suddenly said he needed the $15k back. Apparently, his girlfriend’s son, whom I barely know, is in legal trouble and needs help more urgently than we do. He said we are young, can keep saving, and family comes first, meaning his girlfriend’s kid.

Problem is, the $15k is already tied up in closing costs and deposits. If we give it back, we lose the house and thousands in fees. I told him we can’t return it now without ruining our deal. He blew up, saying I’m choosing a house over family and that he only gave us the money because he thought we would understand if something came up. Now, half my extended family is calling me selfish, while the other half says a gift is a gift and I don’t owe him anything. My fiancé is furious and says we shouldn’t give in, but I hate that this could permanently damage my relationship with my dad.

The Redditors were raging—"Your Dad said ’family first’ in relation to his girlfriend’s son???"

• Your dad has now permanently ruined your relationship between the two of you. I wouldn’t worry about you playing a part in this, because you’re innocent.
  Family comes first? So why is he choosing a non-family member over you? © Uglym8s / Reddit

• I don’t think it matters which way you decide here, it’s going to damage your relationship with your dad. He claims you are “choosing a house over family,” but that family isn’t your family, and he seems to be choosing his girlfriend’s kid over his own child. If the boy is in “legal trouble,” that sounds like something he caused himself. You are trying to buy a house. Not the same things.
  I’m sorry he’s put you in this position. © BecGeoMom / Reddit

• I’m afraid that after this, your relationship is already damaged. By your dad’s behavior, not yours. You will never feel the same for him again after this, and you will never really trust him again.
  He clearly showed you that his gf and her kid are more family than you are.
  Do yourself a favor and keep the money he gave you as a gift without strings. He promised you this, hold him to it. © Beneficial-Sense2879 / Reddit

Other commentators stated that some people do really “love the idea of generosity more than the actual commitment.”

• The money is spent, and you are locked up financially now. He insisted it was a gift, and if he didn’t have the means, he shouldn’t have offered. If the relationship suffers, that’s on him. © Financial_Freedom970 / Reddit

• You can not give somebody a generous sum but expect it back if you need it. Especially if the money was meant for a specific purpose like the house. You simply don’t HAVE it. © BerneDoodleLover24 / Reddit

• What does, “He only gave us the money because he thought we would understand if something came up” even mean? Was that discussed when he gave you the money? Did he say, “I want you to have this, but if we have an emergency here, I’m going to need it back ASAP”? No, of course he didn’t. In what context were you supposed to ascertain that if he had what he considered an emergency, you would need to give him back his money, even if it was already tied up in escrow? © BecGeoMom / Reddit

• My Mom gave my husband and me a large sum so we could put a down payment on our home. I can’t imagine a world where she would have said to give it back for her boyfriend’s child’s legal troubles. I’m so sorry this is happening to you. © SICKOFITALL2379 / Reddit

And some people suggested the way the further conversation could be held.

• It was a gift for a down payment, and it has been used for such. It’s now part of a contract that I cannot undo. There’s nothing more I can do for you. © Beautiful-Report58 / Reddit

• Unfortunately, the no-strings-attached money you gave me to spend on a house is already spent. Even if we pulled out of the purchase now, that money would go to fines for doing so. © SamiGod1026 / Reddit

And while money was the trigger in the story above, the truth is that many parents struggle with boundaries in ways that go far beyond finances: 11 Parents Who Took Boundaries Too Far