I (39f) have been married to my husband (45M) for 3 years now. It's an extremely healthy relationship and I couldn't wish for anything more.
He was previously married at 35 for a year and a half before his wife sadly passed away of severe hypoxia from pulmonary edema. They were dating for over 4 years and according to the way he talks about her, they were straight out of a fairy tale.
His late wife was diagnosed with cardiomyopathy a year into their marriage and was given medication to manage her symptoms, however, she was always expecting her death even though doctors have assured her she could lead a normal life.
However, she was later again diagnosed with pulmonary edema, which was where she started to prepare herself for death. She assured my husband that he could marry later on and she'd want him to lead on a normal life. She however requested if his future daughter could be named after her, if he ever gives birth to one, as she's always wanted one and was unsuccessful with having any children.
Before we got married, my husband of course let me know all of the above, however he failed to mention his late wife's request. I deeply empathized with him, and I was there whenever he needed support.
Anyhow, I'm currently pregnant with our first child, and we're both over the moon. When we came to decide on baby names for our daughter, he stood firm on naming her as his late wife.
As much as it was expected, I refused and told him I couldn't put that burden on our unborn daughter as to him she'll always remind him of his late wife, and he'll fail to see her as his daughter. That's when he let me know of the "pact" he made with his wife, and he feels as if that's the only way he could pay her a tribute.
Be careful that your husband does not take and name there daughter with his late wife's name while you are in the hospital for recovery. Not the first time fathers do that without the mother's consent. If I were you, I would contact a lawyer just to be on the safe side...
Also talk to birth staff that your daughter should NOT be called * her name.
If he insists you should probably re-evaluate your marriage, seems like you are "only" a stand in for his late wife and nothing else...
Now I haven't given him a response, I haven't told him how I felt about it. I just told him we'll see, as it's still too early to decide. I genuinely can't help but feel hurt as it feels like after all these years, he'd still choose his late wife over me.
I somewhat feel like a "rebound" and although I can't victimize myself in this situation, however, the way he insisted on naming our daughter made me feel inferior. I also just can't let him pay tribute like that, as our daughter will always feel like his first wife to him, if that makes sense.
What should I do in this situation, and am I in the wrong?
While this choice may not have been easy, it reflects her deep understanding of the need to honor both the memory of the lost and the potential of the new life she has brought into the world. Through this, she hopes to pave the way for her daughter to grow up with her own identity, embracing a future where she can create her own path, free from the weight of a name that carries too much history.
