Family loyalty can be beautiful, until it turns into some unwanted drama. One reader shared her story about being pushed too far when generosity stopped being appreciated and started being expected. What began as helping out her 90-year-old grandmother turned into a shocking case of entitlement.
All this shopping the grandchild has been doing for granny has been happening for years. Granny took a long time getting to this mean side. It sounds as if she was a lovely person to not just this grandchild but some other family members as well. The fact that there has become such a steap decline so quickly could be an indication of a medical issue and instead of worrying about groceries I think worrying about some doctor visits and medical consultations may be more important
Hey Bright Side,
My 90-year-old grandma, whom I love JUST SO DEARLY, has always been strong-willed. I admire her for that. But lately, I feel like she’s taking advantage of me just because she knows I won’t say no. For years, I’ve been the one buying her groceries. Every week (rain or shine), I’d go to the store, get everything she likes, and deliver it to her door. At first, I didn’t mind. She raised my mom, took care of all of us when we were kids. I wanted to give back.
But things started to change. She began asking for more and more (expensive brands, imported fruit, specific pastries from a bakery across town). Then she started calling me in the middle of work, demanding I bring them “right now.”
I would give ANYTHING to have my NANA back in my life, EXCEPT LET HER TREAT ME LIKE CRAP. You are a WONDERFUL grandchild and your grandma is more than lucky to have you in her life. Anyone who disagrees with that is dumber than a bag of rocks (Annette). You need to put yourself first. You have to put on YOUR OWN OXYGEN MASK FIRST sweetie.
“You’ll understand when you’re my age,” or “If your mother were alive, she’d never speak to me like that.” The last straw came last weekend. I had just paid my rent and couldn’t afford another grocery trip right away. When I told her, she sighed and said, “So you’re letting your grandmother starve?”
That hit me hard. I drove over with what I could: bread, milk, and some fruit. When I got there, she looked in the bag and said, “No steak? No cake?” I froze. I realized she didn’t see it as help anymore... she saw it as her right. That’s when I decided: no more weekly groceries. I’ll visit, I’ll help when I can, but I’m done being her personal delivery service.
They say I should be grateful she’s still here and that “money comes and goes, but family is forever.” But none of them are the ones paying for her groceries or missing work to shop for her. So now I’m wondering if I’m really heartless for finally putting myself first?
— Anastasia
Get those relatives who call you cruel to pay you a salary first then talk.They who play the guilt-trip game are simply the ones who want nothing but a scapegoat, so please treat yourself better by not becoming one.
I was in that situation for a little while. I have medical issues and was working at the time. My MIL lived next door to us so we could keep an eye on her and make sure she ate and took her meds. She was dealing with Alzheimer's. I was in a lot of pain when I got off work but had to grocery shop and cook her dinner. When she started having mini strokes, we talked to her doctor and there was no keeping her at home anymore. She went to a nursing home where she had around the clock care. You should have heard the grandchildren. ( My spouse was an only child.) " She never wanted to go to a nursing home!... You should have asked us to help." It would have been really nice had they each took a day a week and brought her dinner. I know they can't be depended on though. They have their own things going on and she was not at the top of their list. I can't get them to make sure their dad is okay most of the time when I have gone somewhere for a week. You have to stand up for yourself though. Does she have other children? Lol I'd probably go back in my bank account and write down how much you have spent on your grandmas groceries and the gas to go get them along with what you don't get paid from missing work and tell them when each one of them have matched what you have paid, you will start helping again. If the rest of her family is so worried, they need to step up. You know they will be the first ones expecting her estate if something happens to her. That is how it usually seems to be. Take care of you and don't worry about what the rest say. They are the ones that aren't helping.
I think you've done enough and now you should stop and let them know someone else will have to take off where you left off. It isn't right that you are being taken advantage of.
Your family has serious issues but you're not one of them. She's ungrateful & if you're family is so worried they can pickup where you left off. Enjoy yourself, you did what you could when you could, don't feel guilty
I agree with you 💯 percent. This is a Ungrateful family and Grandma
The whole family just kick in if she regarded so highly they should consider your bills
Definitely NTA. She's a grown woman and showed how she felt about you. Her only response should be THANK YOU. Family isn't entitled to your money. If I ever have to ask my son for help, I'll know it's a request, not a requirement of him. It's not his job to support me; it was my job to raise him so he can support himself. She should be grateful for having a grandchild willing and able to help. Not have "cake" won't make you "starve".
If I still had my mom or dad or either grandparent I would get a second job to support them trust me it's a very lonely world when they are gone
There you are again, pissing on people who have sense. You should introduce yourself to ANNETTE, you are definitely a
MATCHED SET!
Hell to the NO. I also wouldn't mind helping out, IF I could afford it. But the MOMENT someone starts treating you as their ATM/Servant, the good-will stops iIMMEDIATELY.
To thine own self be true.
Okay, grandma, now here's the new deal: when you have money and a grocery list, call me. Hand me your money and your list, and I will go shop for you, and if you give me insufficient funds to pay for your needs, then I reserve the right to change and buy less expensive items because I will no longer subsidize what I consider excessive or unnecessary desires. You can say yes or no. Pick one.
Family members are quick to make you feel bad. Not one of them want to take turns buying groceries for her. They watch you struggle and when you get tired or worn out and not having much money. They want to criticize you. So set your boundaries and stick to them. Tell them you are done and they can take turn with her. Ignore them and live your life. You did your job out of love. And you shouldn't feel no regret.
Other family members can cater to her. Set your boundaries and stick to them.
Most grocery stores deliver or there are delivery services. Tell her she can use them from now on. You will no longer be her personal shopper or her bank for them.
When people say this shit why don't people say, "youre right. Its your turn to pay this month. Dont forget family is forever."
Oh, HELL YEAH
Go no contact with all of them. They didn't care about you and EXPECT your resources.
You're the family sucker and they all know it they're happy that way. You're only options at this point are keep things as they are or cut back on contact. Or you can give them a real piece of your mind but they'll never listen.
Granny starving because she can't get the expensive stuff? She's just being controlling. Tell your family it's their turn now. Let them go bankrupt while making sure you're overbearing controlling granny gets what she wants. Just step away and take care of yourself. Don't lose your job because of her and definitely don't use your money on her.
Grocery stores deliver! It’s awesome. You can even tell the shopper you want ripe or unripe produce. Your Grans has money, your family has money. You can step out of the picture very easily. You’ve more than done enough.
I swear to god when people age, they go back in being a kid
They do. It happened with both my parents. They still were of sound mind, but became childishly stubborn about some things.
Read ALL THE WORLD'S A STAGE by SHAKESPEARE, that is EXACTLY what it's about, and it is really a great soliloquy.
"Since you're family it's your turn. I'll send you the list." To all of them. Every time.
Stop wasting your money and time.
Tell them to vouch too in grocery bills, or just replying them with "HYPOCRITE" Fair is fair
First off, Anastasia, thank you for sharing your story, because what you’re describing is something a lot of people go through but rarely talk about. There’s a huge difference between helping out of love and being emotionally manipulated. You’ve shown care and consistency for years. Setting limits doesn’t erase that kindness; it protects it.
Older relatives sometimes forget that the world’s changed: bills are higher, schedules are tighter, and burnout is real. But it’s not your job to single-handedly carry the weight of her expectations. Here’s what you can do: gently but firmly explain that you’ll still visit and help with essentials, but you can’t fund or fulfill every request. Maybe suggest setting up grocery deliveries or asking other relatives to share the responsibility.
Tell Grandma that you are not a free purchasing and delivery service anymore, that you are still willing to go out and buy and deliver but you can no longer afford the actual purchase price in your budget anymore on your income. Grandma needs to go on a grocery run with you and reacquaint her self with prices on grocery shelves ( for myself I know steak of any kind is rare big sale and discounted item type purchase )
bye grandmama~~
Time to stick that old goat in a home, ungrateful crusty bitch
Why are you paying for grandmom's groceries? If she doesn't have the funds for food, help her find social services in her area. Set boundaries. Grandmom, I can get your groceries in this day every week. Do not call me at work or expect me to leave work unless you have a real emergency. Tell the rest of the family they can venmo you x amount of dollars every week and you will still do the shopping, but you cant afford to do both.
Tell your grandma it’s her generation that has you in this situation. 90 years old is after the Great Depression and she was a part of the most successful generation of our time. If she doesn’t have any savings. That’s on her. I understand women were treated horribly back then but grandma was in her 40’s when things got better. If relatives say you’re cruel then say that if they don’t help. They’re just as cruel
