Kids come with a lot of expenses that we might not always be prepared for. In times of need, we tend to rely on family and others we have close relationships with. But it might not always work out the way we planned. One of our readers shared their experience.
NTA. Raising children is expensive, but your sister chose to have three. My two brothers are very successful and make 6 figures a year. I never ask for their help nor expect it. My youngest brother tries to help, but it becomes embarrassing because I am a very independent person. You don’t owe your family anything, just because you chose to have a successful career and neither do my brothers owe me anything. Your sister is taking you for granted.
Dear Bright Side,
My sister is a single mom of 3, and she has been having a hard time financially for the last few months. I try to help her wherever I can, but it’s not always possible or easy. Last month, though, I didn’t have to worry. I got a work bonus that helped me quite a bit financially.
After getting everything I needed, I sent my sister the money that was left from my bonus with the hope that it would help her. She was thrilled and spoke about all the things she could get for the kids. It made me feel good to know that she would be okay, even if it was just for a little while.
But yesterday, my sister called me and asked when I’d send more money. I was shocked by the assumption. I send her a lot of money. It should’ve sorted her out for at least a month or two yet less than a month later, she wanted more, and she wasn’t asking, she was demanding.
She only made matters worse when I told her I wouldn’t be sending more. She gasped and requested to make it a monthly thing. I refused and told her the only reason I managed was because of my bonus and that isn’t a monthly thing.
I told her that I always tried to help her when she asked, but it was difficult for me because I often ended up cutting down on my own expenses so she could get what she needed. I also advised her to get a full-time job instead, since her part-time job couldn’t cover her expenses.
She was furious and ended up arguing with me, saying things like I had a better-paying job, and it was the family’s responsibility to take care of each other in times of need. I hung up after that. But then, within an hour, my niece called me crying.
She said, “Mom is packing our things. She says we’ll have to go live with grandma because she can’t afford the rent. Can you please help us?” I was gutted, but I knew it was just a trick. She was using the kids to soften me up, and I wasn’t going to stand for that.
So I told my niece to tell my sister that she has a good idea. Maybe if she didn’t have to pay so much for rent, she wouldn’t be in this kind of trouble. Now my entire family is upset with me because they say I should’ve made a plan to help her. So Bright Side, was I wrong?
Regards,
Amanda S.
Thank you for reaching out to us, Amanda. We understand how difficult this situation must be for you so we’ve put together a few tips that might be helpful.
What plan, to have her move in with you? She has taken help that came as can to be her prerogative, and where is the father in this?
Out of the goodness of your heart you shared your bonus money. Now she is trying to guilt and manipulate you into regular payments; tell her not just no but hell no!
Hell Fing No! She needs to get a real job #1! #2 Stop having kids #3 Get child support from ALL the fathers!! She created this mess no one else. Sick of hearing "poor single mothers" there are a few exceptions but most just can't seem to figure out birth control! It's not rocket science.
FINALLY someone said it! Whenever someone has 3 or more kids without thinking, everyone says "its not their fault, they're struggling with 5 kids and 5 different baby daddies. You cAnT cOnTrOl nAtURe". But AS a single mom of ONE...i can tell you that YES! you CAN in fact, control nature!! Its called freaking birth control and I learned my lesson BIG TIME about not trusting any man to stick around and the second my son was born, I got on birth control IMMEDIATELY. I had sooo many options and I chose the best that worked for me!! Like, one kid just means you had a surprise. But when a women has 3-5 kids with no fathers and broke as crap...its time to start blaming. I had one kid from one crappy guy. I ADORE my kid to absolute death!! But I've also learned all my options to keep it from happening again til im financially and physically READY for it!! Ever since I got on birth control and NEVER had anymore pregnancy scares after my first...I no longer hold compassion for those who CHOOSE to have more and more kids to struggle with, without even thinking of birth control. There's sooo many options that so many women seemingly IGNORE. The implant is INCREDIBLE and it was my first and last option. I never got pregnant again..it was free on STATE insurance, i just picked it at random, and it was in my arm by the end of the week. It was WAY easier than having more and more kids and i didnt even have to think about it! Its really REALLY not that hard, ladies. Come on...
You need to tell your sister to contact the children's father or father's. And tell him or them that they need to pony up some child support. You didn't get her pregnant, therefore it is not your responsibility to support the children. Family supports family is supposed to be emotional support. By giving family money every time they ask creates entitlement not support.
We ALL know it's "Fathers!"
Agree. If she's only working part time she'll need to add a job or jobs to supplement so she can cover her expenses. If the kids' dad died then she'd be getting social security for them If they're just dead beats then there is a court system that deals with extracting child support. She chose to have three kids; it's her responsibility to take care of them. You are responsible for supporting YOU. YOU are your only back up plan and you need to be saving and investing for the future.
Say thank you to your family and tell them you will let your sister know that they have all volunteered to help her out financially.
Tell all other families member, if they don't help too then they are HYPOCRITE. ON THEIR FACE. Also NEVER give her anymore money.
Amanda, you did the right thing. If you make it a monthly contribution it will never end, your sister will continue to make your life miserable. I have been helping my son (for the sake of my grandchildren) for the past 14 months to the tune of $1,400.00 a month, about $26,000k so far. I have really struggled financially due to supporting him and my grandchildren. I have given him notice he has 2 months remaining of my assistance, then I am done. Financially, I am done, I am angry, and I want to cry. I love my son and grandchildren but I can't do this anymore. Don't put yourself in my situation. Stay strong and remaining you must put yourself and financial stability first and foremost. Good luck!
We can't light ourselves on fire to keep them warm.
Next time your sister asks for money, redirect her to practical help she can’t misuse. For example, if she says she can’t afford groceries, offer to order them online and have them delivered instead of sending money. If it’s rent, offer to call the landlord and discuss a short-term payment plan. That way, you’re still being supportive, but she can’t treat your wallet like a standing allowance.
WOW, it's a medical miracle that YOU, A WOMAN, GOT YOUR OWN SISTER PREGNANT, 3 TIMES! Tell your "family" to piss off. Why are YOU RESPONSIBLE because your sister can't keep her legs or mouth shut? What is your FAMILY'S PLAN TO HELP HER? You will be paying forever if you do that. She doesn't want to help herself, why would she when she has you to cover her ass? You have gone over and above and those children have fathers, and those fathers have family too. Stop beating yourself up and start STANDING UP FOR YOURSELF. You see how you are being treated when you say no, that will continue until they wear you down, or you SAY NO PERMANENTLY. If they (she) can do it to you now, they will do it every time.
Your sister used guilt and the kids’ emotions to push you, and that’s hard to counter in real time. Write her a short message or email explaining clearly what you can and can’t do and why. Something like: “I helped because I love you, not because I can afford to do it every month. Please don’t involve the kids; it puts me in a painful spot and doesn’t solve anything.” Putting it in writing avoids heated arguments and gives her a chance to reflect before responding.
You already saw how fast the rest of your family took sides. So next time, get ahead of it. Send a calm message to a few key relatives first, explaining that you helped generously but can’t sustain it, and that your sister is free to stay with your mom if that helps her financially. This won’t silence the criticism, but it gives you control of the story, instead of letting your sister paint you as the villain.
Amanda’s situation isn’t an easy one to deal with, and it could cause a permanent rift between her and her family.
But she isn’t the only one who has issues relating to money in a family setting. Another one of our readers reached out to us and shared their experience. Read the full story here: I’m Child-Free, My Parents Cut Me Out of Their Legacy and Hand It to My Cousin, So I Made Them Pay.
She is manipulative and weaponizing her children. She's not a good parent and you can't help her with that. Like the old tale says "If you give a mouse a cookie...."
Well that's good then if family should help each other then your mom should take care of the kids until your sister can get back on her feet since your sister's threatening to send them to live with her anyway. That sounds like the absolute perfect plan. The family members that are telling you that you should pay your sister's rent can pay it, and your mom can take care of her grandkids until your sister's responsible. And you're not supporting two families. Seems like a win-win to me.
