Family is undoubtedly a top priority. But sometimes, we’re faced with choices that, while meant to help someone close to us, could deeply affect our own lives in unexpected and lasting ways. One of our readers, Anna, recently reached out to share her story. Her husband wants to adopt his young niece, but Anna feels strongly that it’s not the right decision for them.
Dear Bright Side,
My husband, Daniel, and I recently got married, and we’ve been excitedly planning to build a life—and eventually, a family—together. But just a few days ago, Daniel shared something that completely shook me.
He told me that his 6-year-old niece, Lily, may soon be without a safe home—and he wants us to adopt her.
To explain a bit more: Daniel has one sister, Emily, who is a single mom. I’ve only met her once briefly, but I know she’s been going through a really tough time. Emily was recently diagnosed with a serious chronic illness that’s been progressing quickly. She’s been in and out of the hospital, and doctors say she may not be able to care for Lily much longer.
Child services has already stepped in and is assessing whether Lily needs to be placed in temporary care. Because of her condition and limited support system, Emily has agreed to give guardianship to someone she trusts—Daniel.
Daniel is set on stepping in. He says it’s the right thing to do and that he couldn’t live with himself if his niece ended up in the system. But for me, this all feels like too much, too fast.
I told Daniel I’m not ready to take on the responsibility of raising a child—especially one who’s been through trauma and whose life is about to be turned upside down. This isn’t what I envisioned when we talked about starting a family. I dreamed of having our own children someday, when we were fully ready.
Daniel was devastated. He slammed his hand on the table and said, "How can you be so cruel? If you don’t agree to adopt her, I will divorce you. Since then, he’s barely spoken to me, and when he does, it’s mostly tension or guilt.
Now I’m torn. I love him. I want to support him. But I also feel like my own voice is being drowned out in this crisis. I don’t want to damage our relationship further, but I can’t ignore my feelings, either.
What should I do?
Sincerely,
Anna
Let him have his divorce. He's making an emotional decision for two separate people. He can only make that decision for himself not for you. Undoubtedly you will become the primary caretaker of the child and her needs. He's already tossing labels at you he will not stop. You know what you need to do.
Oh yes, "undoubtedly" she'll end up doing most of the work. Sorry, genius, this is the 21st century, men do plenty of childrearing. Based on your attitude and defense of this degenerate, I'd say I've done a lot more quality childrearing then you're even capable of. And I'd love to understand how calling a person who'd abandon a family member to the foster system heartless is throwing labels around. She labeled herself the minute she displayed her heartlessness, he's not the bad guy for daring to notice.
Truly heartbreaking decision but the do it or I will divorce says a lot. Your fairly new in marriage, let him divorce you adopt her and then you can live a life without demands regardless of the heartbreaking decision.
Unless for some reason you can have him adopt her and be the one taking care of her needs all the time. I have a feeling you will be doing a whole lot more when you aren't ready or comfortable to do so.
I respect this is a shock to you. But also keep in mind that the system is rough n can be cruel. Lotta kids in it never see a family again. And who says you can't adopt and have your own kid down the line?
TThis is your chance...maybe your one chance...to do something incredibly important and selfless with your life while also proving to your husband that you are, in fact, the selfless, loving,amazing woman he thought he married. Adopt her.
My question is ,how long have you been married? I'm wondering if your husband knew about his sister before you get married.and if so maybe the marriage wasn't done with honesty on his part and maybe you should rethink the marriage because if he knew he already broke your trust and you can't start out a marriage with broken trust.
I know the request has been a shock and that since you are newly married, the prospect of suddenly having a six year-old is terrifying. I would be terrified as well and your husbands response is in no way appropriate, period.
But I know what happens when children go into the system. I've seen it and I can tell you it's terrifying and once in the system, getting out can take a very long time.
Is there a compromise? Maybe your husband could just become a guardian if his sister becomes incapacitated or unable to make decisions until she is better? He doesn't have to immediately adopt her to help care for her while his sister is in treatment. There are many legal options; a family attorney would know the laws in your state.
I just hate to see it tear you & your husband apart. I'm sure he is in as much shock at the developments as you are.
He owes you an apology. But to just refuse to discuss it with him is discounting his fear for his sister & his niece and that's not fair to him either.
If the child is 6, then everyone else is fairly young...where is the childs father or two sets of grandparents...the woman said she wasn't ready to be a mom...no crime...there should be other people stepping up before everybody persecutes her...
If she agrees you know who would be doing 98% of the care. And the girl will feel the resentment, how good will that be for her? Let him divorce her and be a single dad. I don't blame her.
Me, my husband AND my Bil all got letters asking if we'd be foster parents for my ex's kids. You know what we did? Tossed them in the garbage. I didn't have kids with him, why would I want his? Blew us away, especially asking my Bil. He doesn't know him 🤷
Adopting the niece is her choice, and SHE can live with that. But him? I wouldn't want to have children with her either, or continue to be married to her. Her choices would ruin my life and my children's.
I took my husbands daughter on when she was 11, i think you want it your way and well that kid has already been through alot , putting her on to a care \ foster home where she could suffer emotional or physical abuse will traumatize her, but hey your feelings have to come first, i would divorcé you aswell, just hope if and when you have kids someting like this does not happen to your kid. Enough said.
Well a daughter is a little bit different as you knew about her before the marriage.
if she's not ready for that they need to divorce! that a lot of sacrifice and might end up with resentment for both of them !
News flash.. life does not run to your terms. I agree your husband needs to divorce you. Actually, the marriage should be annulled since it was clearly made under false pretenses. What it boils down to is you are being a spoiled little brat who doesn't want to share the spotlight. You have no concept of what family means. Or, I guess, it's only family if it's your family. His can go hang?
Why because she is not caving into his demands that he blindsided her with? It is not sharing the spotlight; it is giving up her life to raise a child that she does not know. With his attitude do it or I am divorcing you shows she will be raising the child and he will go out to play.
Blindsided her? Like he didn't plan his sister's quickly progressing chronic illness to fit his wife's schedule better?? Seriously?🤦♀️
I happen to love kids and I would not to come to his demands. Stop trying to guilt this woman. She knows her limitations and needs.
I agree with your husband... If this is the type of person you are I would divorce you in a heartbeat.... Foster Care is a nightmare because of lack of people such as yourself who don't want be bothered by other peoples problems... If the mother was abusive or a drug addict I might see your point... But is a health crisis for your SIL
I suggest you reconsider your decision... Have a good day
You say this isn't what you envisioned for your life, well guess what life is what you make it not an envision fairytale.
Grow up and accept this child into your life 100% or get out.
Your husband seems to have empathy, love and caring in his heart. You seem to have fairytales, and an immature way of deal with life of life's terms
You can have your own kids too, but don't throw this child under the bus because it's not what you envisioned
She has no empathy and his a waste of his time.
You married him. Not his family. You did not sign up for taking on the responsibility of another person's child. I'm appalled that other women are shaming you.
And you clearly have no grasp on the concepts of "family" and "support".
I learned a long time ago that just because someone is slightly blood related it doesn't make a person obligated to do anything. She doesn't want that in her life. Respect that.
You have a right to your own opinion and we don't have to agree with you. Now imagine you have a child and you pass away for whatever reason. No one in your family or your spouse family want to take care of your child. Your child will go into foster care. Not knowing what type of environment of they would be living in. Or what type of person(s) will be taking care of your child. I guess you would be fine with that.
What if it was one of your kids would you change your mind then you're just as selfish as she is
No shaming here, but she should at least be willing to discuss options other than adoption. There are a myriad of ways her husband could care for his niece before adoption is necessary.
I have to ask, what if the poster accidentally became pregnant before they planned? Would she just freak out & refuse to become responsible?
Going into the system should not even be an option. I know all about that & I would never want a child to be put into it when there are family options.
The husband should be commended for wanting to adopt his niece, it shows that he truly cares for her. The wife obviously has different feelings about it and I think he married the wrong person. A true loving person would go along with this. No one said she can't have "her own" children and she's been very self centered. Adopt this precious child, divorce your wife and find the right person to share your life.
I agree no one said they still couldn't have there own kids. But she might even treat his niece like an outcast even if she did go along with it
You want this man to let his own flesh and blood rot in foster care. That is heartless, I don't care what anyone says. If you can't support his decision to adopt his niece, divorce him. You don't get to decide for him that the child doesn't deserve a stable, loving home.
If she isn't ready,she isn't ready that doesn't make her heartless because when he works who does the responsibility fall on? Y'all tripping!
I'm going to guess you're not very old.
Neither of you are wrong (though you certainly lack empathy) so just get an amicable annulment and remain friends. He can care for his niece and you can find someone else and it's unlikely the situation will repeat itself. I really don't know why you would need to adopt her though. That doesn't sound accurate. The two of you would simply be get legal guardians. I am curious though. Would she also allow one of HER nieces or nephews to go to foster care?
If its hers she probably would not. These are not related to her. You don't know if the man felt the same way she did if the shoe was on the other foot.
And you don't know he wouldn't. When my wife's sister started showing signs of mental illness, my wife became her guardian. When she became homeless, my wife brought her to live with us until she could get her into a group home. I absolutely did not want her here, but I would never expect her to abandon her sister and welcomed her into our home until a safe place became available.
And you're equating a mentally ill adult with a child of a dying mom?? Asking for a friend.
Tell your friend life has a lot of unexpected events. We show who we are by how we handle things that never were in the plans.
I think you're a selfish woman and if I was him I would divorce you because you clearly don't have a good heart!
Without a doubt.. she's self-centered..
Not selfish, realistic to her life and how it should be. This seems like it was planned by him without any conversation aslo how she feels about the situation. She should have a choice about the situation, why put her life through so much drama that is to come with the trauma. Clearly, No one was thinking about how it would impact her life and day to day issues the child will have.
Do you think this was the husband's plan? Sometimes life throws stuff at you and you just have to roll with it. When you marry someone, their struggles become yours. If not, you never should have married.
I dont blame her ! but definitely should divorce now
Exactly!
Yes, he planned for his sister to get a terminal illness...Really?
Loosing a parent is hard but there is a big difference between grief and trauma. Being abandoned by your family because your mom died and your uncles wife was selfish would be trauma. Loosing your mom and her brother your uncle and family welcoming you loving you and grieving with you is Family. I pray for people who think family is expendable or optional.
It specifically states that his sister saw him as a trusted person to take care of her daughter and I'm sure he told the wife all about before they were married and she didn't have a problem now that the sister is getting worse she is unable to care for her own daughter I highly doubt this was all planned out just so his wife can get upset and only think about herself and think that everything evolves around her and it doesn't
Hello Anna! Thanks for reaching out to us. Here are some tips we trust you’ll find useful.
Encourage both partners to share their feelings and concerns openly and listen without judgment. This helps build understanding and reduces tension during tough conversations.
You are NOT the AH. You're human. A traumatized.6 year old will require a lot of time and attention at the very least. The worst case scenario is she could make your life a nightmare. I've been through it, and wouldn't wish it on anyone. You deserve to have the quality of life you want. Knowing what I know now, I'd recommend divorce now if your heart isn't in it. Your husband doesn't have the right to impose this on you, especially considering ( statistically speaking) men tend to dump the lion share of care onto the women. Let him do it alone!
Connect with support groups and resources for adoptive and guardianship families to share experiences, gain advice, and reduce feelings of isolation.
It’s important to allow space for individual reflection and then come together to discuss readiness and expectations, helping to avoid rushed decisions.
Im someone who has done this, regardless of what my late husband said..which was, let her go to the state. A little person to the care of the state? Absolutely not. This young child grew up to be a wonderful young adult, and I'm forever grateful that I was there to take over and provide a safe childhood for them. Its nothing to extend love and mercy to a child. Especially a young family member, who needs stability in circumstances not of their doing. You'd want this for your child if something terrible happened to you.
Marriage counseling can strengthen communication, cooperation, and mutual respect, which are vital when facing the stresses of guardianship or adoption. Therapy can also address feelings of guilt or resentment.
Wow! You should adopt her. If it was me there would be no question about it. Sometimes life doesn't go as planned. Everything happens for a reason. Good for the husband to give her that ultimatum. I wouldn't be able to live with myself knowing i put a little girl in the system who is your own blood. This is his sister's daughter. If you can't count on family then who can u count on. Unbelievable stop being so selfish.
Providing a child with a safe, stable, and nurturing environment is essential for her healing and growth. Establishing consistent routines, clear boundaries, and a space she can personalize helps foster a sense of security and belonging. Creating a warm, supportive atmosphere where she feels valued will ease her transition and promote resilience.
Situations like this have no easy answers. When family, love, and personal boundaries collide, emotions run high—and decisions can shape lives forever. Whether you side with Anna or understand her husband’s perspective, one thing is clear: open communication, empathy, and honesty are key when facing life-changing choices. Find more articles here.
Not wanting to suddenly be forced to be a parent of a child that isn't yours doesn't make you heartless. Cut your loses, divorce, and he can raise her on his own. Him slamming his hands on the table and calling you names because you aren't changing your life for someone else's kid who is in admittedly a horrible situation doesn't really sound like he's going to be good to the future whether y'all adopt his niece or not.
there's a lot left unsaid here. nothing is mentioned about ages which could make a big difference. if the only trauma is her mother dying, then you're way too over concerned. but there is probably more since no mention is made of her bio dad. essentially, you're being asked to adopt a six year old stranger; how many other people commenting have done that? your response isn't exactly heartless but close and his was (as described) authoritarian. seems like you'd both be better off apart.
This is NOT your problem. No child needs a forced parent. If you're not ready thats ok. Let this person get his divorce and you move on. His family commitments are not yours unless you want them also. Ditch this situation, the only person who will get the short end of the stick is you.
You both need a divorce he has a heart you don't i hope your gone before he gets the Kids id hate to see how bad you would théâtre her
Scary that people even need/seek advice for these types of things. Then again, common sense died in 1999
