We love our children and would do anything for them because they’re family. But sometimes they cross boundaries we aren’t willing to accept, and that can harm our relationships with them. One of our readers reached out and shared how their children were taking advantage of them.
Dear Bright Side,
I’ve always loved cooking, it has been a hobby of mine since I was a teen. But recently my family has been taking advantage of this, and it’s made me feel like I’m nothing more than a meal ticket. Every week my son, DIL and their kids show up for dinner.
And I don’t mean they come over once a week to spend time with me. But they will come over every second or third day, have dinner and leave. Sometimes my DIL even comes with her parents in tow. I tolerated it for a good while, but recently it has become a real burden.
I’m a pensioner, and cooking for so many people so often is really starting to eat into my funds. I’m spending more on food than I have ever done before. And it’s simply becoming too expensive for me to keep giving in to them.
So I came up with a plan. The next time they came over, I met them at the door with a big smile. I looked around and said, “Did you bring the groceries?” Their expressions instantly changed. They all looked so confused. But I didn’t stop there.
I said, “Oh, I must’ve forgotten to send you the shopping list.” Then I headed into the house, grabbed the list I had written down for myself, and handed it to my son. He was so shocked that he just took it and headed for the car.
I then invited my DIL and grandchildren in. My DIL looked very offended and quickly decided to speak her mind. She said, “That’s ridiculous. You’ve always cooked for us and never expected anything in return. What makes today different?”
I looked her right in the eyes and said, “I’m a pensioner, while you are two working adults who make more than enough to keep your family happy. You come over at least twice a week and expect me to feed at least five people on my pension. If you want to keep eating here, you need to start contributing.”
She was furious, and the rest of the night was filled with tension. When they were heading out, my son pulled me aside and asked me if everything was okay. I explained the situation to him, and he seemed to be understanding. But I haven’t seen them since.
It’s been a month, and they didn’t even come over when I invited them for dinner. So Bright Side, was it wrong of me to ask them to contribute to the groceries?
Regards,
Jody M.
Thank you for reaching out to us, Jody. We understand how difficult this situation must be so we’ve put together a few tips that might come in handy.
What's wrong is putting up with it for so long. You should have given them the list before they showed up, months ago. And on top of buying the food they should have been cleaning up. Take them not coming over or calling as a win. They'll be in touch when they want something. At which point you say no.
Instead of making it sound like you’re charging them, present the grocery list as a way of sharing responsibility. You could say, “Cooking is still something I love, but now that we’re all older, let’s make it a family thing, everyone brings something to the table.” This softens the demand while still setting a boundary.
Your DIL clearly took your request personally, but your son seemed more understanding. Have a calm, private talk with him. Let him know you miss the family dinners, but simply can’t afford them on your pension. If he’s on your side, he can help frame the expectation with his wife in a way that doesn’t make you the “bad guy.”
Extend another dinner invitation, but make it clear in advance what the arrangement is, whether that’s them bringing groceries, splitting costs, or taking turns hosting. This shows that you still want family time but won’t sacrifice your finances for it. Over time, they’ll see that your boundary isn’t about rejecting them, it’s about protecting yourself.
Jody’s situation is not an easy one to deal with, but she can still salvage the relationship with her son and his wife. She isn’t the only one who has had a difficult time with her DIL, though.
Another one of our readers reached out. This is her story: My DIL Erased Me From Family Photos, So I Made Sure She Regretted It.
You go girl! They will need something soon. You were bright, creative and still called them out. She will get over it or not, but if not, you know both she, your son and her parents know they took advantage and felt entitled..
I would start making cheaper food. Kraft mac and cheese, Ramen, rice and beans, canned veg and $5 roasters...all of these would make a point without being the bad guy. If they question the food quality, then Jody could point out she is struggling financially and elaborate dinners for all of them and additional surprise guests are becoming a hardship. If she truly enjoys cooking for them, she could have then offered to do so if they picked up the groceries. She made herself look unreasonable because she had zero conversations with her son/DIL before cutting off the dinners. I am not siding with her son and DIL, but sometimes people take things for granted when the other person does not set boundaries. It doesn't excuse taking Jody for granted, but she is also responsible for letting this continue as long as it did.
