My DIL Treats Me Like Her Personal Maid Because “That’s What Grandmas Are For”

The expectation that grandparents should provide unpaid services simply because they’re retired has become an epidemic of entitlement, destroying families. Some daughters-in-law cross boundaries that would shock even their worst enemies, turning family relationships into free labor arrangements. When grown children let their spouses mistreat their parents this way, it shows just how much control and manipulation are happening behind closed doors.

Here’s Dorothy’s story:

Hi Bright Side,

My DIL handed me cleaning supplies: “You’re retired anyway, make yourself useful.” I was shocked but agreed to see my grandkids. While cleaning her bathroom, I found something hidden behind the toilet that explained why my son looked so broken. It was a notebook filled with detailed records of every penny my son spent, every phone call he made, and every minute he came late from work. She had been tracking his every move.

The notebook contained pages of her complaints about his “wasteful” spending on things like lunch with coworkers or birthday gifts for me. She had calculated how much money he “wasted” on family visits and written angry notes about how I was a “bad influence” who encouraged his “selfish behavior.”

Most disturbing were her plans to gradually isolate him from our family by making visits “too expensive” or “too stressful” for their household. She had written detailed strategies for making me feel unwelcome and forcing my son to choose between his wife and his family.

Reading her private thoughts made me realize why my son had become so withdrawn and anxious over the past two years. She wasn’t just controlling his money—she was controlling his entire life and making him feel guilty for every normal human interaction or expense.

When I confronted her about treating me like hired help, she laughed and said, “At least you’re finally contributing something useful to this family.” She seemed to genuinely believe that because I’m retired, I should be grateful for the opportunity to serve her household for free.

I don’t know how to help my son without making his situation worse or losing access to my grandchildren completely. She’s made it clear that any resistance from me will result in cutting off contact, and my son is too scared to stand up to her threats.

Please help,
Dorothy

Dear Dorothy, thank you for sharing such a heartbreaking and concerning situation with us. Witnessing your son being controlled and manipulated while being treated like free labor yourself must be incredibly painful and frustrating. We understand how difficult it is to want to help while feeling powerless to change the situation, and we hope our advice provides some guidance for navigating this complex family crisis.

Stop providing free labor immediately.

Refuse to clean her house or provide any other unpaid services that she demands from you. Make it clear that visiting your grandchildren doesn’t mean you’re available to be her personal maid. If she tries to make seeing your grandkids conditional on doing housework, calmly explain that grandparent visits and household chores are completely separate things. Don’t let her use your love for your family as a way to exploit your time and energy.

Create private communication with your son.

Find ways to talk to your son away from his wife’s supervision, whether through private phone calls, text messages, or brief conversations when she’s not around. Don’t directly criticize her or try to convince him to leave, but let him know you’re concerned about his well-being and happiness. Ask open-ended questions about how he’s feeling and whether he’s happy with his life right now. Sometimes just knowing someone cares can help people start recognizing their own unhappiness.

Don’t accept blame for normal family relationships.

When she calls your relationship with your son “selfish” or “wasteful,” she’s trying to cut him off from people who care about him. Normal family visits, gifts, and phone calls are healthy parts of relationships, not threats to her marriage. Don’t let her make you feel guilty for wanting a relationship with your son. Her jealousy of your bond with him shows how insecure and controlling she really is.

Build relationships with your grandchildren separately.

Focus on creating positive memories and strong bonds with your grandkids during the time you do have with them. Don’t badmouth their mother in front of them, but be the stable, loving presence they can count on. Children often remember the grandparents who showed them unconditional love during difficult family situations. Your relationship with them can provide stability even if the overall family dynamic is unhealthy.

Have you ever watched someone you love being controlled or manipulated by their partner while feeling helpless to intervene? Share your story in the comments—other people dealing with difficult family dynamics and toxic relationships need to know they’re not alone in these challenging situations!

And while you’re here, don’t miss this powerful story from another reader: “I (55F) paid for my son’s surprise 30th party. His wife texted me: ‘Don’t come—family only.’ When I arrived, she blocked the door, saying firmly, ‘Get lost!’ My son stood behind her, silent. So, without warning them, I...” Click 👉 here to read what happened next.