My Husband Agreed to Be a Stay-at-Home Dad, Now He’s Having Second Thoughts

As the days went by, the initial excitement of becoming a parent began to go away with one particular father. Now, he’s grappling with unexpected challenges and second thoughts that are testing the strength of the couple’s decision.

She explained what happened.

I (36F) am a neurologist and I absolutely love my patients and my job. I believe there is no greater honor in life than being able to help others. The road to my medical degree was not easy, and it was paved with many rejections.

I was a troubled teen in high school, and I didn’t get accepted into any colleges my senior year. I had to work my way up starting with remedial classes at my local community college. When I finally got into medical school at 26 I was absolutely thrilled.

I met my husband (37M) in my third year of medical school, and we have been married for four years now. My husband works in marketing, and I make three times his salary. From the beginning of our relationship, I was very upfront that I was unsure about having biological children. My dream was always to adopt from foster care, and my husband seemingly understood this.

However, after his best friend had a baby boy last year, he began to really press me on having children. I was initially very against this idea because I was just beginning my career, I wanted to wait a few more years before revisiting the topic of children. In August of last year, I found out I was unexpectedly pregnant.

I was initially considering an abortion, but after many heartfelt conversations with my husband, we decided to keep the baby, and he would quit his job and stay home until our daughter was old enough to start preschool.

There were several factors that went into our decision to have him stay home with our daughter:

• I make significantly more money than him, so financially it just made more sense.
• I am in the first few years of my career as an attending physician. After 4 years of med school and a 4-year residency, I am just starting to practice on my own, whereas my husband has been in his career for 15 years.
• I was very clear I had absolutely ZERO desire to stay home and be a housewife. I respect stay-at-home mothers, but my work is my life, and I would go crazy at home all day. This just isn’t a lifestyle I want whatsoever.

Our daughter is 9 weeks old today, and I am preparing to return to my practice in a few weeks. This weekend, I left my husband alone with our daughter while I attended a medical conference out of state. The conference was amazing, but when I returned home, my husband began acting weird.

Today, when our daughter was napping, I pressed him to tell me what was wrong. He absolutely broke down and said he doesn’t think he can do this. He expressed how trapped, alone, and overwhelmed he felt all weekend. He now wants me to extend my maternity leave and is talking about trying to get his job back.

This made me freak out, and I asked, “Well, what will we do with our daughter now?!” He responded by suggesting I leave my practice and work from home. I said absolutely not, and he suggested daycare.

At this point, I just lost it and screamed, “If I knew you were going to back out of your promise to take care of our daughter, I would have NEVER had your child.”

I know I completely overreacted, and I would never trade our daughter for anything, I love her so much. But I am so upset with my husband, and I’m not sure how to move forward at this point.

People gave her pieces of advice.

• "You expressed boundaries and rules, and he’s crossed them. Stick to your boundaries. If he’s unwilling, consider how important that boundary is to you and how far you’re willing to enforce it.
  A child isn’t something one can be so flippant over, and 'I changed my mind' is unacceptable if he is the one who pushed for it in the first place. Also, economically, it makes no sense." AngusHalfpenny / Reddit
• "Don’t give up your career. But if he can’t cut it, you might want to look into a nanny and include nanny cams if you’re worried about safety. This would probably get me thinking about divorce, to be honest." FrontTour1583 / Reddit
• "You didn't overreact, he needs a wake-up call. You only gave him something so enormous and major (his own biological child), because he promised not to destroy your career and trap you as a mother. Now he's discovering that raising a child is non-stop hard work, something you were aware of before you ever got pregnant." themajorfall / Reddit

• "I would consider the red flags here. He wanted a child and you unexpectedly got pregnant. Now he wants to go back to work and the deal unexpectedly changed. Plus, why does he feel alone and overwhelmed when he stays home but seems not concerned for you to stay home and surely feel the same?" Chocolatecandybar_ / Reddit
• "He needs to put on his big boy pants and figure out how he is going to take care of the situation he created. Some of the feelings he's expressing are valid - it legitimately is isolating being a stay-at-home parent - but there are ways to deal with that that don't involve making you the SAHP he promised to be. He needs to work on addressing the isolation by addressing the isolation, not by getting out of being a parent by dumping it on you." I_***_UR_PATRIARCHY / Reddit
• "It is super hard to be home with babies and little kids. We women have been doing it for a LONG time. He needs to do what stay-at-home moms do every day. Find support, meet up groups, etc." Secret_Dance_7870 / Reddit

While this experience has brought unforeseen challenges, it could also strengthen their partnership and resilience as a family. They could learn that flexibility, patience, and mutual support are crucial in adapting to change.