My Husband Enforced a Harsh New Rule on Me

In a marriage, it’s important to have trust, respect, and support to establish a solid bond. But sometimes, one partner might try to dominate the other, resulting in instability and tension. This can happen because of insecurities, power struggles, or mental issues, and it can show up in different ways, like subtle manipulation or being too dominant. Recently, a Reddit user sought guidance from the online community concerning her husband’s unreasonable request.

She wrote:

“This is the weirdest thing my husband has ever done. He is a sweet and loving husband, and I love him more than anything. My husband has always been a little out there. He is a computer programmer and super smart but also believes all sorts of things, both real and conspiracy, and I’ve got used to it... But I got deeply shaken when he came to me the other day and suggested that I take only 2 showers per week from now on.

About two months ago, he became obsessed with environmental issues, mainly water and its environmental impact. He was also concerned about the quality of water. He put in a new filter system in our house, which I loved because it tastes much better. However, he’s now concerned about how much water we use. Not because of money, but the environment!

Now, I’m someone who likes to shower every day before bed. I just don’t like feeling dirty in bed. So I refused his suggestion. But he insisted and said that this is our new house rule.”

She went on saying:

“This has created the most conflict in our marriage in 20 years. At first, I just ignored his rule, but he would shut off the hot water while I was in the shower. I started trying to use the shower at the gym, but it’s too much work to go every night with having kids. I honestly thought he would get over this within a month. But he is stuck on this still to this day.

Last night, I needed a shower but had ’hit my quota’ as he says. I said I’m showering and that he’d better not do anything. But about two minutes in, he turned off the hot water. I grabbed my towel, went down, and started yelling. Telling him this is the dumbest thing he has ever done. I also told him I’m moving to my parents if he doesn’t stop this.

Guys, I feel trapped now as I love this man. He is everything to me, but I can’t take this anymore. Am I going too far in threatening to move out?”

Other Reddit users shared their advice and viewpoints, saying:

• Ecologist here. I work in some parts of the world that have been hit very hard by climate change and associated drought. What your husband is doing is not scientific, sanitary, or particularly sane. People in places much drier than where you live — people who have practiced highly conscientious water use for decades — still practice better hygiene than your husband allows.
  You and your husband can take short, water-conserving showers daily, save water, and still be clean and comfortable. The amount of water saved beyond that, by not showering at all, is beyond trivial, and the cost to your mental health is not worth it.
  Anyway, this isn’t about water conservation, because your husband is having no impact whatsoever on water issues. This is about obsessive and controlling behavior. You love him, and you won’t leave him, but whether you move out or not, you should insist he sees a therapist right away. © GDswamp / Reddit

• This is insanely controlling, and I hate it when people do things like this. The amount of water used in a household is incomparable to the amount used by corporations that are actually damaging the environment. © AcanthisittaTiny710 / Reddit

• My husband has OCD tendencies and anxiety, and I try to remind him when he starts to get too fixated on something. And he tends to fixate on things that are good in moderation like cleanliness, healthy habits, air quality, etc. First, I used to just think he had quirks, but they got worse. And sometimes, he can take them too far just like your husband. When that happens, I ask him, “Look, hon. Is this truly an issue or is this OCD/anxiety taking over?” That doesn’t immediately change the behavior or make him feel better, of course, but it has given us a framework for how to think and talk about his actions, especially when they start to affect other people’s lives. He’s done an awesome job of being able to recognize his own skewed thought processes and try to head them off early. © my_ghost_is_a_dog / Reddit

• Tech also takes a large amount of water to produce and use, funny enough. How does he think servers and data centers are cooled? As a programmer, he probably uses some amount of AI, which is a huge water draw, to the point that environmentalists are becoming very concerned. © TheDreamingMyriad / Reddit

• In my book, turning off the hot water while you’re in the shower is crossing the border. Stating your preference and making a request is understandable, but taking away someone else’s bodily autonomy is violence. Turning off the hot water may be passive-aggressive, but he’s still making the choice for his wife about whether she can clean herself or not.
  I wouldn’t up and divorce him immediately, but this situation warrants counseling to learn why he feels he has this right to control others and how to stop it, and you’re doing the right thing to stay somewhere else until he gets over whatever is going on with him. You could also benefit from therapy to find out why you love this man with all your heart when it’s clearly not reciprocated in a healthy way with respect for your boundaries. This goes beyond a personality quirk or oddball personal interest. © i-split-infinitives / Reddit

In another situation, a wife recounted her dilemma in which her controlling husband secretly attempted to get her pregnant, disregarding her decision to remain child-free. You can read her letter here.