My Husband Forgot My Birthday, but I’m the One Who Had to Apologize

Forgetting an important date in the life of a loved one, a friend, or a family member can lead to a difficult moment, feelings of abandonment, sadness, anger, or even some tears. The protagonist of the following story was expecting a birthday greeting from her husband, but not only did she receive nothing, she also got an unexpected response from him.

Am I the bad one for not reminding my husband it was my birthday?

I feel so pathetic... My birthday was last Wednesday. I have been with my husband for 7 years. I like to make birthdays special for my family. For example, I decorate my son’s room while he’s sleeping so he can wake up feeling celebrated and loved. I’m cheesy, I know. For my husband, I put out his gifts and cards so he can see them when he wakes up, and I’ll make whatever he wants to eat for supper, or we go out if he wants to, whatever he wants to do for his birthday.

My husband has always gotten me something for my birthday, together with cake and a card. It’s great. But this year, no birthday wishes in the morning, no mention, nothing.

Around supper time, we were chatting after work, asking about each other’s day, and I asked him if he knew what day it was. He realized and said that he had completely forgotten it was my birthday, and came to give me a hug, and that he would get me a gift. I said that was okay, but I was hurt that he didn’t think of me. He completely shut down and went to lie down. I went out for a walk, because I was crying and I didn’t want my son to see me cry. I walked, crying in the rain, like an idiot.

My husband has been in an awful mood. I have not mentioned my birthday following his shutdown, just kept going with the week and taking care of our family. He has barely spoken to me.

This morning, I went for an errand before work (I work from home) and brought him back his favorite candy bar. When he saw it on the table this morning, he asked if it was for him, and I said yes, and he threw it in the garbage before leaving for work.

When he came back from work, he said that I destroyed him by telling him that I was hurt that he had forgotten my birthday and that he had apologized (the hug).

So to be clear, I never yelled or brought it up again in the following days; I just said that one sentence about it hurting my feelings, and that makes him a horrible partner. He said I should have reminded him, given him a heads-up. I know when his birthday is, I don’t need a reminder, so my brain kinda froze when he said that. I order his gifts in advance when I find things he’s gonna love.

What do the experts say?

For the person who forgets an important date, this is often just a mere memory error or a mental overload, according to psychologist Victoria García Masip. For the individual who is forgotten, the suffering doesn’t focus on the date, but on what it means to be forgotten: a lack of priority or importance.

According to therapist Sue Johnson, an authority in couples therapy and the creator of EFT (Emotionally Focused Therapy), when you feel hurt by an action, it is crucial to express the hidden feeling, like “I feel sad, you didn’t remember an important day for me,” instead of the accusation about forgetting a specific date.

Additionally, and turning to the texts of psychologist Harriet Lerner, this conflict reveals a possible communication pattern and unspoken expectations that are broken.

How would you feel or have felt in a situation like this? What couldn’t you forgive?

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