My Husband Refused to Listen to Me—I Don’t Regret My Petty Revenge

Marriages may be made in heaven, but the work done to keep your relationship alive is done in this realm only. A Bright Side reader, Raine, recently shared a heartwarming story with us, showing how she was able to defuse a potentially explosive situation by using a somewhat hilarious, if petty revenge. Here’s her story, and the advice we felt we could offer her.

Dear Bright Side,

I met Simon during an official event. At the time, he was married, and though we were attracted to each other, we both knew this was going nowhere, so we kept away.

Two years later, he called out of the blue, in the middle of a divorce. We met and connected. Long story short, I married my husband after his messy and painful divorce.

We’ve been married for three years now, and everything was going fine until a month ago, when he started calling me by his ex-wife’s name. To give him credit, we do have similar names. Still, I was irritated. I corrected him. He apologized, but it kept happening.

Angry enough, I warned him to not do this again. He looked shamefaced, and it stopped. Then suddenly, during a family dinner a week ago, it happened again, like five times in a row. It seems nothing had worked, or changed.

This time, I didn’t bother reacting. Instead, I just did what I had to do.

My husband absolutely abhors coffee. I usually have a cup before he gets up and wash it, so the smell doesn’t hit him. He genuinely turns green at the sight or smell of coffee grounds in the cup in the sink. I also think the “nausea” has something to do with his ex-wife, because she used to leave coffee grounds in cups all the time, or so my husband once divulged.

This morning, I woke up, made a huge batch of coffee, and put a small amount of it in every cup I could find in the house. Then I proceeded to leave them all over the kitchen and the living room, and sailed out for a day at the spa.

I came back in the evening to a shamefaced husband, a sparkling kitchen, and reservations for two at my favorite restaurant. He told him his ex-wife had called, and they had yet another argument over alimony, and it kept playing in his head. Plus, my perfume was something she used to often use, so he messed up.

I threw the perfume out, treated my husband to some love, and we promised each other to communicate more and prevaricate less. Marriages need constant love and work, and we will not fail!

I don’t feel guilty about what I did, but I am wondering if there were better ways to handle the situation. Am I overthinking it? And if something like this happens again, what should I do?

Raine Emerson

Dear Raine, thank you for your heartfelt letter.

First up, kudos for solving a serious issue in a creative but kind way. We totally get the turbulence you must be feeling, it’s a subtle but emotionally charged problem, for your partner calling you by his ex’s name.

It’s not petty to feel hurt by that. Being misnamed can feel like as if the other person is not seeing us. Here’s what we think you can do, if it ever happens again, though hopefully, your partner seems to have learned the lesson you were trying to teach.

What we think you did absolutely right.

• You communicated through simple action: Leaving the coffee was playful but pointed. If he calls you by his ex-wife’s name, he gets to experience her bad habits all over again. Plus, it expressed your frustration without cruelty.
• You held him accountable: Even if the names are similar, slipping up repeatedly has no excuse, and you made him understand that.
• You left space for a reset: By slipping out for a spa day, you gave yourself a breather and hopefully, it relaxed you as well. Leaving him alone also gave him time to reflect on his actions. Had you stayed back, things might have escalated into an argument, which, of course, helps no one.
• You didn’t hold a grudge: Once the explanations came, you understood his POV, forgave him, and moved on quickly. That shows amazing maturity and a kind heart.

If there’s ever a next time, here’s what you can do.

To answer your question, could there have been a better way? Well, maybe. But in this case, you handled things pretty well. You didn’t get angry, or scream, or even throw things around. Instead, you used humor to make a point.

Since you asked for more options, here are some ways to tackle the issue head-on, and avoid passive-aggressive behavior:

• Have a serious conversation: Instead of telling or warning him not to repeat his behavior, begin with something like, “Look, I know the name thing might not seem huge to you, but it makes me feel like I’m competing with your ex-wife. Can we find a way to reset this?”
• You can turn it into a game: Even if it hurts you, you can make light of it by attaching a cost to it. “Every time you call me [ex’s name], you owe me a $10 foot massage. Pay up.” This tells him there is a consequence attached to his behavior, playfully.
• The worst thing you can is ignoring it: Don’t let something like this go on for long, because this can cause emotions on both ends to fester. Plus, petty revenge once is funny, twice is one too many times. Talk it out, naming the impact: “When you did that again, it made me feel like I’m stuck in someone else’s story. I need to feel like I’m in ours.”

You’re not wrong to feel unsettled. You’re also not wrong to approach it with sass and class. But if it keeps happening, it may point to deeper emotional spillover from his past, and couples therapy may help at that point. Here’s another such “triangle” between a girl, her boyfriend and a proposal that went wrong.