Stella seeks the honest opinions of our readers regarding her decision not to let her husband’s 8-year-old daughter live with them permanently. She feels her reasons for this decision are valid, but her husband is furious about her refusal to share their home with his child. Let’s delve into the details of this complex family situation.
My mother had 4 children from her previous marriage (man was a monster) and by the time my dad passed, when I was 20 (siblings were 34, 36, 38 and 41) they hadn't spoken to their bio-monster in close to my lifetime and "my" dad was just dad. We never used the word half anything. Unfortunately, they are all gone now, but they will forever be my bros and sis'.
My father had 3 children from a previous marriage. All of them lived with us for many years, my mother treated my half siblings as she did us. Mind you, they were not small children, they were all in their teens, which should have seemed harder to deal with, but my mother took it all in stride and never made any of them feel unwanted or rejected. Children from your partner's previous marriage should never be a problem....they are part of your spouse. Also, none of them had a say in being born, so they should not be treated badly.
As I don't know the full story it is hard to comment although I will say this. I have had the honor of working in Pre-K for the last 3+ years. I am 73. I am not sure why you do not want her to move it, but perhaps thinking of the child first, and what she may want (if it's good for her) why you would have trouble with it, unless it is the way your husband went about it. Talk it out, pray, love even harder. Remember, she is the middleman (girl) in this and she can feel rejection, tension and fear just like we can.
Totally agree with your comment.
Stella, 39, is a woman who has accomplished a great deal in her life. She holds a high-paying and fulfilling job, having progressed from being a nurse to the chief doctor of cardiology. While she is happy in her marriage and could easily enjoy her life, a problem within her newly formed family is preventing her from living normally.
Stella shared her family story to explain why she had to make a tough decision, which has led to constant fights and misunderstandings with her husband, Paul. She is seeking our readers’ opinions on this controversial issue and hopes to receive advice from those who might have faced similar situations.
In her letter, Stella wrote, “I’ve been married to my husband Paul for over three years now. This is my second marriage, and the same goes for Paul. We’re quite happy in our relationship because it’s mature, stable, and transparent. We both have worked hard to achieve the level of mutual understanding and trust that we now enjoy in our family. Everything seemed good so far, but there’s a problem that prevents us from moving forward in our happy marriage. And this problem is Paul’s expectations of me regarding his child, Ella.”
Stella shared, “Paul has a daughter, Ella, from his previous marriage. She is 8 years old. From the start of our relationship, Paul was upfront about having a child. He has Ella every other weekend, and I’ve always told him that’s fine with me. He can spend as much time with her as he wants, and I won’t have an issue. If he wanted to include me in their activities, I was always happy to join.”
Stella continued, “However, I made it clear to my husband that I am not Ella’s parent; that’s a role for him and his ex-wife. Of course, I would take care of her if she was left with me. I never ignored her—I cooked for her, and if she wanted to talk or play, I gladly did that too. But I refuse to take on a parental role. I was very clear about that. If Ella did something that needed discipline, for instance, I wouldn’t be the one to ground or punish her. That’s a parent’s responsibility, which I am not.”
Stella explained, “Ten months ago, Paul lost his job and couldn’t find a new one quickly, so he got evicted from the apartment he had been living in before we moved in together. He kept that apartment even after we got married, and we both thought it was fine. I have my own house, and I lived there, while Paul stayed in his apartment and worked from there. This was the arrangement we agreed upon, and it worked well for us. But after he lost his apartment, I told him he could move in with me. I even set up a spare room as a bedroom for Ella, so she’d have a comfortable place when she stayed with us. Everything was going smoothly until last week when Paul sat me down for a serious talk. He told me that his ex-wife found out about his new living situation and suggested that it would be better for Ella to live with us full-time, visiting her mother twice a month.”
Stella was taken aback by this news. She shared, “I was absolutely furious, and you can probably understand why. Without consulting me first, my husband had already agreed to this arrangement and presented it to me as if it were great news. He said, ’Honey, please be happy! Our little girl will be with us full-time now,’ to which I laughed because I thought he was joking. Unfortunately, Paul wasn’t joking. I immediately told him I was not okay with it at all. Even though I don’t work from home, I never wanted kids, and that hasn’t changed. Paul understood and accepted this from the beginning.”
Stella continued, “After that shocking conversation, Paul and I decided to sit down with his ex-wife to discuss the situation. We hoped that by talking things through, we could find a solution that worked for everyone. However, when we met with her, she was adamant about her decision. She insisted that it would be better for Ella to live with us full-time, especially considering Paul’s new living arrangement.”
“Despite our efforts, she didn’t budge. Paul seemed caught in the middle, trying to appease both sides, but it was clear his ex-wife was set on her decision. I felt frustrated and unheard. As I told her, ’I’m not opposed to Ella spending more time with us, but making this decision without involving me isn’t fair.’
The meeting ended without any agreement, and I was left feeling more confused and upset. It was clear that Paul’s ex-wife wasn’t going to change her mind, and Paul seemed unsure of how to navigate this new dynamic. I told him afterward, ’We need to come to a mutual agreement that considers everyone’s feelings and needs, not just make unilateral decisions.’”
Stella concluded her letter by saying, “I’m reaching out to hear your thoughts and advice on this situation. How do we move forward from here? How can we find a balance that respects everyone involved?”
Here’s a story about a woman who no longer wants her pregnant daughter and six grandchildren living in her home. She decides to kick them out and feels no remorse about it. Read on to understand why she felt compelled to make such a drastic choice regarding her daughter and her soon-to-be-born grandchild.
He never should've started anything with someone who doesn't want kids. I hope there's a divorce; the children ALWAYS come first!!!!!
Whatever happened to "Climb every mountain, swim the deepest seas, walk over fire and and crawl over glass on my knees just to be with the one I love?"
"Selfishness"
Nothing can or should be done to change the child's location until the proper steps have been taken. You cannot just relocate a child because you want to...there is this thing called a legal custody agreement that is an actual legal and binding contract that was made when the two divorced. You must go before a judge and ask for a modification for the custody agreement otherwise if child gets hurt when she was supposed to be with Mom then Mom can be charged for neglect. If someone passes a child to you when you are not legally in responsible charge then they can claim kidnapping etc. Never put yourself in this position.
Go over the custody agreements made when divorced. If someone wants to change them, they need to go back to a lawyer and judge to do that. Hopefully, the judge will listen to all who will be impacted, not just the parents.
