What You Would Hear If You Could Understand Animals

It’s just a regular day. As usual, you’re taking a shower before starting to get ready for work. Everything is going as planned — until it isn’t. One clumsy move, some water spilled on the floor — and you’re flapping your arms in the air, your body nearing the floor with frightening speed.

Everything goes black. The first thing you hear is a high-pitched whining in your head. Ouch, your head! Ugh. You carefully get up.

There’s no blood — and that’s good. An even better thing is that the annoying noise stops abruptly. Holding your head, you leave the bathroom — and almost stumble over your cat Milo.

He hisses, and then a clear voice in your head says, “Clumsy loser.” HUH?! You whip your head around in fear, but you see no one — it’s just you and... Milo? You’ve probably hit your head more than you thought. You shrug and make your way to the kitchen. Milo follows you.

You hear ceaseless grumbling, “Why can HE sleep in the bedroom, and I’m banned from there? Why haven’t I gotten my meal yet? This leather creature is too lazy. Shall I scratch the sofa or leave a mouse on his pillow?” The first thought that comes to your mind is, “We have mice in the house?!”

The second is more relevant, “I’m losing my marbles. Great.” Acting on autopilot, you pour some milk into Milo’s bowl and fill another one with some dry food. The cat doesn’t seem to be satisfied with how fast you are if his “Oh, for goodness’ sake, move it, man!” is anything to go by.

Ok, now you’ll have to live with the knowledge that your beloved cat Milo actually has the personality of a grumpy old man. Duh. You decide to lock yourself in the bathroom again because you’re starting to get overwhelmed. You sit down heavily on the toilet lid and almost jump a foot in the air when you hear someone arguing loudly.

After looking around, you find out that, apparently, there are not only mice but also cockroaches in your house. Just. Great. At the moment, you’re staring at a couple of these insects, which seem to be having a fight. At least, one of them is accusing the other of — wait, what?! — cheating? You’ve heard enough.

You’re about to dash out of the bathroom when you hear a BANG! In the living room, you find your cat on the floor under a smashed flower pot. The worst thing? He seems to be really hurt. He won’t stop whimpering and meowing, “It hurts, it hurts! My paw, ouch, ouch! But the sofa can’t remain unscratched today!”

You grab Milo, shove him into the carrier (“Hey, watch out, you, leather bag!”), and head for the clinic. On the way, you have to concentrate hard to block out the noise of countless voices assaulting you. The waiting area at the vet is full. Uh-oh, you’re in for a long wait. Half an hour later, your head is ready to explode.

You’ve found out that that yellow python is suspiciously interested in the hamster a girl in the corner is clutching to her chest (“S-s-s-sooo fat... S-s-s-sooo pretty!”). The hamster is worried about his stash of nuts (“Where did I hide them? Where-where-where?!”). A tiny dog that has come with an elderly lady is anxious about needles (“If that sharp thingy comes near me once again, they’ll regret it! I’ll destroy everyone on my way!”).

Finally, it’s your turn. The vet invites you to her office, and you bend to pick up Milo when a desperate-looking young man bursts into the room. “My puppy! What’s wrong with him?” The vet looks at you apologetically, but you’re focused on the puppy. It looks weak, but you manage to figure out the words “Chocolate! Yum!”

When you tell the vet and the anxious owner that the pooch has eaten some chocolate — which is basically poison for dogs — they give you a funny look and disappear into the doctor’s office. Some time later, the guy exits, holding the dog that looks way better than before. When they leave, the vet turns to you. “How did you figure out the dog had eaten chocolate?” Uh-oh, here it comes...

You decide that honesty is the best strategy and tell the vet that you can understand what animals say. Of course, she doesn’t believe you. You have to try hard to persuade her — but with the help of two other dogs, Milo, and an elderly squirrel, you manage to make her believe you.

When you get back home, your head is spinning, and you’re pretty hungry. All you can think about is some fried eggs and bacon. Yumm... Wait. Bacon?! But it’s... Uh-oh. Apparently, starting today, you’re a vegan.

Anyway, that’s when it starts. You don’t know how it happens, but you become famous overnight. The next morning, a loud noise wakes you up. And it doesn’t sound like animals talking to you. You look out of the window and see crowds of people gathered around your house. Some of them are reporters, but others are pet owners that have come to ask you for help. Milo is NOT happy.

While grumbling non-stop and calling you names, he bites your leg and retreats under the stairs. And you go out of your house to talk to people and answer the reporters’ questions. In the evening, you’re exhausted but also happy. You’ve saved several animals today — they had serious health and psychological problems their owners couldn’t figure out on their own.

Lying in bed in the dark, you think of how you can use your ability. That’s when your plan takes shape. Soon, you become the most renowned animal care specialist in the world. You listen to animals talking about their problems, talk them out of depression, and help them resolve misunderstandings with their owners.

TV shows invite you for interviews; your YouTube channel is growing every day. People recognize you on the street and ask you to take pictures with them. You travel the world, help endangered species, and give lectures. You open vet clinics all over the globe and invite the best professionals to work there.

You never feel lonely — there’s always someone to talk to or to listen to, at least some birds when you’re walking in the park or some fish when you’re having a rare moment of rest on the beach. At the same time, you’ve come to realize how many animals are begging for help — but no one can hear them.

You decide to take up the role of their speaker. It turns out you’re now famous not only in the human world but also in the world of animals. They’re grateful, and, in return, they start informing you of different natural disasters that are about to happen on the planet. You have heard that animals can predict earthquakes or volcanic eruptions.

And if before, people had to try hard to notice some unusual behavior of certain species, now animals just pass you information about what’s going to happen and where. With time, you notice that you spend less time among people and more time with animals. Together, you plan campaigns against zoos, circuses, and other places where animals are kept against their will.

And then, one day, the unthinkable happens. You are returning home when a black van stops next to you. A few big masked guys grab you and push you inside. The doors close behind your back.

Inside, you find out that several influential people aren’t happy with your activity. You realize that this “trip” isn’t going to end well. The guys blindfold you and lead you somewhere. But at one moment, you lose your footing... and hit your head on something. Hard...

You open your eyes. Milo is standing over you, looking at your lying body rather indifferently. And then the most terrible thing happens: he meows what sounds like a whole sentence, turns away, and walks out of the bathroom. And... you don’t understand a meow of what he’s saying! Was it all... just a dream?