I Banned My Brother’s Family From My House, I Refuse to Be Exploited

Most of us love having family over, looking forward to spending time with them. But what happens when someone misbehaves and disrespects you, especially in your own home? This is exactly what one of our Bright Side readers faced, recently. Brianna Jones wrote to us, sharing her ordeal amidst family boundaries, along with the dilemma that followed.

Brianna tried to be a good host.

Dear Bright Side,

So, I am in two minds. My family thinks I messed up, and I think I just stood up for myself. Here’s how things went unhinged.

I live in a beach town and have a rather large home, so my family often comes and spends time with me, which is cool. Earlier this month, my brother, his wife, and their two kids have been visiting. It’s been days. The problem?

They expect help with everything! I walk into the room and immediately hear, “Can you grab this? Can you do that?” Last evening, I slogged over dinner and called them when it was ready. No one came to the table or even responded.

They were glued to their phones! For me, it was the last straw. After 20 minutes, the food got cold, so I decided to wrap up the kitchen, freeze the leftovers, and call it a day.

The next morning, I woke up to sullen faces, with my SIL demanding breakfast because they had starved last night. I told them, calmly, that firstly, they could always cook for themselves, and secondly, I had stored the food in the freezer, and they could have reheated the same.

My brother then had the audacity to tell me that since they were guests, they were entitled to some R&R, and I should have made sure that they had food. I told them that I wasn’t their servant. I also asked them to leave and declared that this kind of behavior was not welcome in my house.

They packed and left in the next hour, and since then, there has been no communication from their end. Yesterday, my mother called me and told me that she had raised me better than to kick guests out of the house, no matter how rude they were.

I told her that they deserved it, but she still felt I had overreacted. What do you think? Could I have handled it better? Was there something else I should have done from the start?

Brianna Jones

Hi Brianna, thank you for sharing your problem with us. This is a rather relatable scenario, full of emotional and cultural complexity. Let us tell you, you’re not alone in wondering whether you overreacted or simply enforced healthy boundaries, we’ve all faced similar situations, even if the settings were different. Here’s an honest break-down from our end, we hope it helps!

This is what we think you were right about:

• Realizing boundaries: It’s not as if you were hosting kids. Having adults over for a visit doesn’t mean they shouldn’t pull their weight, and your home is not a hotel. It’s reasonable to expect grown guests to help out the host.
• Clear communication: You informed them food was ready. Since they ignored you, the fault lies with them. Even so, you acted calm by just storing the food and packing up the kitchen.
• No impulsive reactions: It’s only after days of entitled behavior and flouting basic manners that you asked them to leave. You didn’t be nasty or lose your cool.
• Stayed calm under pressure: Even when your SIL demanded breakfast, you didn’t snap; you only offered a logical explanation. The same thing happened when you spoke to your mom, so kudos on keeping your cool and being the adult in the situation at all times.

What you could do differently, next time around:

What made you flip a switch? It wasn’t just dinner or breakfast. It was days of you being the polite host, who was being taken for granted and remained unappreciated. So when they tried to guilt you the next morning, it was the last straw.

That’s only human. To ensure you do not get cornered into another situation like this, here’s what you can do when you have guests over.

• Set house rules early on: The next time you have guests over, have a polite talk about what you expect from them to set the expectations early on. You could say something like, “I’m happy to have you here, but just a heads-up, I work hard and expect everyone to pitch in or help themselves when needed. I’m happy to help, of course.”
• Enlist them to help sooner: If the talk doesn’t work or if you are too uncomfortable to say this aloud, then simply call them in to help. If you are cooking, ask someone to chop up the veggies or make the salad. If you are washing the dishes, ask someone to dry.
  Ensure they do their own washing and make their bed. All you have to do is ask and remind politely.

Here’s how you could mend things, if you want to:

As much as you love your family, hosting is a two-way relationship. You cannot have people over at the cost of being treated like staff. So here’s what you could say to your mom or brother, and if you say it, feel free to send them a message or e-mail.

• To your brother: I welcomed you into my home, but it felt like I was being treated like a servant. When no one showed basic courtesy, I drew a line. I didn’t want it to end that way, but I refuse to host anyone who disrespects my space. I hope we can talk when things cool down.
• To your mother: I understand you’re upset, but I didn’t “kick them out” over one thing. I hosted them with care, but after days of being treated like help and not being respected, I drew a boundary. I still love them, but I won’t let people walk over me in my own home. I hope you understand.

Having guests over should mean that both sides should get to enjoy each other’s company, and one person isn’t supposed to slave over the others. Here’s another story about a woman being taken for granted by her family, and how she dealt with it.