I Demanded My DIL Pay Me for Babysitting, and It Broke Our Family Harmony

Figuring out how to handle babysitting within the family isn’t always simple. One grandmother started feeling unappreciated after constantly helping out with her grandkids, so she brought up the idea of getting paid. Her daughter-in-law didn’t take it well, and what started as a small request turned into a much bigger issue. Now the whole family is feeling the tension and trying to find a way to make peace.

It felt like everything she did went unseen and unappreciated.

I raised three kids and thought I was done with sleepless nights. But when my son and DIL had twins, they needed help. I offered. I adore those babies. But what began as “a few hours a week” turned into a routine I never agreed to. Every day, I’d get a calendar invite. Not a request—a demand.

One day, I mentioned I had a dentist appointment. My DIL frowned and said, “Can’t you reschedule? The babies don’t nap well with anyone else.” That night, I told her, “I need to slow down. I love helping—but I can’t keep doing this full-time.” She scoffed. “We thought family meant showing up.” So I did something bold. I sent her an invoice for basic babysitting hours. Modest rate. Just a gesture.

In the end, her son backed up his spouse.

My DIL refused to pay me. But the next day, I got a message from her: a full grocery list of items she claimed I’d eaten while babysitting. She wanted me to pay for them.

I called my son, and instead of supporting me, he said, “Mom, our kids deserve their snacks. You can’t just eat them without replacing them.” I was stunned. I hadn’t even touched half those things. I’d eaten one sandwich and made a cup of tea. And I’d watched their kids for eight hours straight. No pay. No thanks. Just a bill.

She’s not fully sure if she made the right call.

The next time they asked me to babysit, I said, “Sorry, I have plans.” I just needed time to think. That Sunday, my son showed up alone with a bag of groceries. “We might’ve been too harsh,” he admitted. “She’s under a lot of pressure.”

I appreciated the gesture, but it still stung. I told him, “I don’t mind helping. But I won’t be treated like a roommate splitting bills.” He nodded, but things haven’t gone back to normal.

Was I wrong to step back? I love my grandkids deeply, but I don’t want to feel like every bite I take has a price tag.

Thanks for sharing your experience with us!

It’s not easy setting limits on babysitting when it involves family. To help you navigate the conversation with your son and daughter-in-law, we’ve gathered some advice on how to express your feelings in a respectful and honest way. Hopefully, this will make things feel a little more balanced and ease some of the tension.

• Recognize that they’re probably feeling stretched thin, but don’t forget about your own limits either. Your daughter-in-law might have leaned on you more than she should have because she felt you were dependable and would always be there. That doesn’t mean it was fair to you, but understanding her stress can make it easier to speak with compassion.
  You can gently explain that while you get how tough parenting can be, being asked to step in without appreciation or notice has worn you out. Letting her know you care but also have your own boundaries can help reset the relationship on more respectful and understanding terms.
• Try suggesting a compromise that works for both sides. You don’t need to agree to every request or cut ties completely. If you’re open to helping, offer specific days or times you’re available, and make it clear you need advance notice.
  Let them know that outside those times, they’ll need to find other childcare solutions. That way, they understand your time matters too, and it allows you to enjoy being a grandparent without feeling overwhelmed.

• Use the grocery list incident as a turning point. Instead of letting that grocery list resentment simmer, use it to reset the tone. Consider writing a short message saying you were surprised and hurt by it, but that you understand everyone is under pressure. Let them know you want a fresh start. Your DIL might not have handled things well, but your grace now could soften her defenses and reopen real conversation.
• Ask your son to step up as the bridge. Your son clearly has empathy for both sides. Tell him you appreciate the groceries—it showed thoughtfulness. But ask him gently to help mediate the communication between you and his wife going forward. Say you don’t want tension or resentment; you want shared understanding and kindness.
  Ask him to speak honestly with his wife about what support really looks like, and how appreciation is just as important as childcare. If he can be that bridge, it could change everything.
• Reframe your role from “babysitter” to “grandparent”. Make it clear that you want to stay close and involved, but as grandma, not free labor. Suggest outings or short visits where you bond with the kids in meaningful ways—baking cookies, reading stories, taking walks.
  These are memories you enjoy, and they help your grandkids see your value beyond just being “the person who’s always there.” That way, you stay in their lives and protect your heart.

Spending time with your grandkids is more than just fun and giggles—it can actually be really good for you. Research suggest that caring for them can help keep your brain sharp and improve your mood. On top of that, their energy and smiles can add a lot of positivity to your life.