I Don’t Want to Raise the Child My Wife Is Bearing Because She Got Pregnant Through a Donor

Family & kids
5 months ago

Some couples are over the moon when they find out they’re going to have a baby. However, it’s not as bright when one of the partners is temporarily infertile and absolutely unaware of their wife’s pregnancy. This is exactly what happened to our reader. He’ll have to decide whether he’ll raise the child or leave his wife.

One of our readers reached out to us.

Too many people will procreate regardless of their inability to parent their children in a psychologically functional/healthy manner.

It's not that they necessarily are bad parents; rather, many seem to perceive thus treat human procreative ‘rights’ as though they [potential parents] will somehow, in blind anticipation, be innately inclined to sufficiently understand and appropriately nurture their children’s naturally developing minds and needs.

As liberal democracies, we cannot prevent anyone from bearing children, including the incompetent and reckless procreators. We can, however, educate all young people for the most important job ever, even those high-schoolers who plan to remain childless.

If nothing else, such child-development curriculum could offer students an idea/clue as to whether they’re emotionally suited for the immense responsibility and strains of parenthood. Given what is at stake, should they not at least be equipped with such valuable science-based knowledge?

Understanding the science behind every child’s healthy/functional development can at least enable a prospective parent to make an educated decision on how they wish to go about rearing any future children.

In the book Childhood Disrupted the author writes that even “well-meaning and loving parents can unintentionally do harm to a child if they are not well informed about human development” (pg.24).

A physically and mentally sound future should be every child’s fundamental right — along with air, water, food and shelter — especially considering the very troubled world into which they never asked to enter. Particularly one in which too often Mom and Dad divorce.

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Reply

Thank you for trusting us with your problem! It’s a difficult situation indeed, and we’re here to help you.

Give yourself some time.

It’s a difficult situation that will require all of your energy to make up your mind. Take some time to process your emotions before trying to have a conversation with your wife. It’s okay to feel shocked, angry and betrayed.

Allow yourself the space to understand your own feelings. Acting on your impulse at this point will probably result in regrets and unnecessary problems. Make the final decision once you’re calm and fully rested.

Decide what matters most to you.

At this point, you have to decide whether to stay with your wife or leave. There’s no point in asking her to choose — she will probably keep the baby and divorce you.

She made her choice, and she might have thought about the fact that you might consider a divorce as well. Even after weighing pros and cons, she still got pregnant. You can’t change her mind, and it’s up to you whether to leave or stay.

Leave if you won’t be able to handle it.

If you don’t fully accept the child, your resentment will inevitably develop. There’s a high chance you might accidentally hurt the child with your words or actions. You know the baby isn’t yours, so decide if you can take care of them like a good father.

You’ll have to be respectful to your wife after what she did without your consent. If you feel you can’t forgive her, it’s time to go.

Try seeking professional help.

If you want to work on this issue in the relationship but don’t know where to start, try couples therapy. You can also consider seeking the help of a therapist or counselor. A professional can provide a neutral and supportive environment for both of you to express your feelings, understand each other better, and work towards a solution.

Some couples dread the idea of seeing their loved one cheating on them. Yet, one of our readers has been trying to make her boyfriend cheat on her. In this article, we reveal the details of this story and the reasons why she wants to do that.

Preview photo credit Amin Moshrefi / Unsplash

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