We Agreed He Would Be a Stay-at-Home Dad, Now His Family Has Turned on Me

When it comes to parenting and household roles, every couple has the right to make choices that work best for their unique situation. Yet, judgmental family members often feel entitled to weigh in, even when their opinions aren’t asked for, like in this story. When a husband and wife have come to an agreement, like the mother returning to work while the father stays home with their newborn, it’s not the place of a brother-in-law, or anyone else, to interfere.

One woman shared on Reddit how a joint decision was turned into an open family drama.

My husband (27) and I (26) welcomed our baby boy a month ago. Though unexpected, he’s one of the best things to happen to us. Early in the pregnancy, we decided it would be better for my husband to stay home with the baby because his job offers better paternity leave than my maternity leave.

Recently, I came home from work to find my husband arguing with my brother-in-law in the kitchen. They were speaking fast and in Dutch, which I don’t understand well. When I asked what was happening, my brother-in-law questioned me as to why my husband was doing “my job.” He said it was ridiculous for my husband to be home cooking, cleaning, and babysitting for our son when he should be working.

My husband defended our decision, explaining he chose to stay home because we didn’t want our son in daycare so young and his job was fine with it. My brother-in-law then said that my husband didn’t want kids a year ago and was now okay with sacrificing his career for a child he didn’t want. This angered my husband, who told him to leave and that he wouldn’t tolerate disrespect towards his family and our son.

Now, my brother-in-law has even said that he talked about the situation with my in-laws. Although they are more understanding, they still think I should encourage my husband to return to work. I’m already dealing with mom’s guilt about leaving the baby at home and don’t want my husband to feel like he has to sacrifice his happiness for me or to do something he doesn’t want to do. So, am I wrong?

Just to provide some context: My husband and I don’t live in the Netherlands. I know how employers there handle maternity and paternity leave, and how it doesn’t align with our situation. Unfortunately, the US doesn’t have a similar system/outlook.

Yes, Dutch people tend to be more liberal and have a culture in which both parents are heavily involved in the upbringing of their children. I’m not saying that’s not true, but the difference between my husband’s family and the more traditional Dutch family is that they were raised there, and his parents have assimilated into a more American culture. My husband didn’t even have the opportunity to visit his country until he studied abroad in college.

Redditors had a lot to say about the situation.

• You need to take a deep breath. Everything is fine. Your husband dealt with his brother. Your husband defended the decision that you both made. I.e., you are both a team, which is exactly where you want to be in your marriage and as parents.
  You and your husband are happy with your decision, so no one else’s opinion matters. I don’t understand why you’re worried about the in-laws. They don’t get a say in your marriage or parenting decisions. Taking a few months off work to care for a new baby is not a sacrifice for those (like your husband) who are in partnerships where the workload and finances are shared.
  As for your brother-in-law’s comment that your husband doesn’t want kids, ignore it. Maybe the brother-in-law has assumed that for some reason. Maybe your husband used to say that as a child. Maybe he felt that way when he was a young man.
  It’s normal. Who knows. Whatever the case, he doesn’t feel that way now. You are in a great situation and so is your husband to be married to someone who cares about his welfare. © Unknown author / Reddit
• It’s not babysitting when it’s your own child. You guys made a decision together about what was best for your family. Your BIL can just sit down and mind his business. © yo_momma_jokes77 / Reddit
• Wait, there is hardly a society where fathers taking parental leave is as much an everyday thing as in the Netherlands. If your husband’s family is Dutch, they should be telling your BIL to stop talking. © Neither_Pop3543 / Reddit
• Your husband sounds fine with the situation. Your in-laws are the problem. Put them in time-out, “Until you respect the way we do things in our home and with our child, we have no desire to speak to or see you.” Problem solved.
  But, do have a conversation about all of this with your husband first. His family needs to stay out! © AccomplishedFace4534 / Reddit

Dealing with family is not always easy, and some people are having an extra hard time discussing personal matters with relatives. Unfortunately, we can’t always just close the door on family members.