I Excluded My DIL’s Kids From My Anniversary—Now We’re Falling Apart

When a seemingly reasonable request sparks a falling out within a family, what is there left to do? For Greta, this is where she finds herself after requesting her daughter-in-law to bring only one grandchild to her 40th wedding anniversary instead of all four. Now her family is in conflict and on the verge of falling apart and she’s left feeling responsible for the breaking and trying to find a solution to the problem.

This is what she had to say:

Greta’s letter:

Hi Greta! Thanks for opening up and sharing your story. We’ve compiled some advice to support you through this challenging situation.

Acknowledge that your decision carries emotional weight.

Excluding some family members and inviting others to an important family function can be perceived as favoritism, even if your reasoning of not having enough space seems reasonable. It’s understandable that your daughter-in-law felt hurt by your request, on behalf of the kids.

You understanding where she’s coming from as a mother, is important because her emotions around the situation are valid just as much as yours. Though you may have thought you were acting on everyone’s best behalf, it wasn’t the case because emotions were hurt.

Let them know that you care for them equally

Find a way to express to your grandchildren, all four of them, but especially the ones that were excluded, that you love them equally. Try to make them understand your reasoning, as best as you can and let them know that your intention was not to hurt anyone, but rather to manage the space. Apologise for any hurt that you may have caused them and let them know that you’d like to spend time with them soon.

This could help alleviate their potential feelings of rejection and rebuild trust, especially if your daughter-in-law felt you disrespected her family dynamic.

Your DIL’s reaction was drastic

That said though, the manner your daughter-in-law handled the decision was drastic and because of that it may be safe to assume that her reaction of sending your belongings back and saying you’re no longer welcome — was likely fueled by deeper, unresolved tensions. This conflict could’ve likely stemmed from more than a single incident and could point to longstanding feelings or misunderstandings. Even if her actions might’ve been surprising, express empathy towards your daughter in law.

Have some conversations

Have a conversation with your daughter-in-law to better understand where she was coming from and where her decision stems from. You’re not solely to blame so also talk to your son and encourage him to take accountability for how he handled the situation. He agreed to your request but didn’t communicate it effectively with his wife, which likely left her feeling unsupported.

Get a mediator if necessary, but if the two are not willing to be in the same room, then have the conversations separately. As long as apology’s take place and you focus on understanding where everyone is coming from. This could be a step towards healing.

Invite the whole family to a neutral gathering.

Invite everyone over for a casual family meal at a neutral location, like a park or a restaurant, and make sure to include all of your son’s children. Use this opportunity to show that you value each child equally and try not to harbour any ill feelings against your daughter-in-law.

Commit yourself to repairing the relationship with your family and move on from the past conflict by focusing on creating new shared memories together.

Ultimately, healing may require time, open communication, and willingness from all parties.

Working on your family can be hard, especially when there’s different characters and perspectives involved. Here’s one woman who felt disrespected by her mother-in-law and reacted drastically in response.