I Refuse to Let My FIL Near My Child, His Influence Is Toxic

Many families struggle when children are exposed to toxic beliefs about emotions, like “men don’t cry.” These situations can impact kids’ empathy, social skills, and emotional development, making it crucial for parents to guide children in processing feelings healthily.

Kamila’s letter:

Hey, Bright Side,

Okay, I seriously don’t even know where to start. I’m still shaking a little. My FIL has this really toxic belief that emotions are a sign of weakness.

Yesterday, my 9-year-old was bawling because he lost his puppy (RIP little guy), and FIL literally yelled at him, “Men don’t cry.” I completely lost it and snapped, “You don’t decide how I raise my children.”

I thought that was the end of it. I thought I handled it. Then today, I got a call from my son’s school. My stomach literally dropped.

Apparently, after school, my son went up to a kindergartner who was crying over a toy and told them, “Stop being weak.” The kid’s parents complained, and the teacher said it was like a total 180, my empathetic, caring kid suddenly acting aggressive and cruel.

I told my husband. And he’s defending his dad. Like, “He was just teaching him to be tough.” I can’t even.

I feel like they’ve done a total number on my son, and I don’t know how to fix it. I just... I don’t want them to ruin him. I’m scared and honestly a little heartbroken. I feel like I’m fighting an uphill battle, and I don’t even know if I can win this without creating a huge family fight.

Am I overreacting? How do I even start repairing this with my son without turning it into a whole war with my husband and FIL?

Best,
Kamila

Thank you so much for sharing your story, Kamila! Hopefully, a few of these ideas give you some practical steps or at least a little peace of mind.

• Stand your ground — We know it’s tempting to yell or lecture FIL back, but sometimes kids notice more when you calmly model the opposite of what you don’t want. Show your son it’s okay to feel sad without making a scene. You don’t need to “win” the argument; just let him see there’s another way to handle emotions.
• Build emotional vocabulary — Sometimes kids lash out because they don’t know what to say. Try little exercises like, “Name three feelings you had today.” Make it casual and fun. The more he can label his emotions, the less he’ll rely on “stop being weak” lines he picked up from FIL.
• Control the environment — You can’t always control FIL, but you can control how much he’s around your son. Maybe short visits, or avoid situations where FIL is likely to mock emotions. Protecting your kid doesn’t make you mean; it makes you smart.

With the right guidance and support, children can learn to process their emotions in healthy ways and maintain their empathy. Even in challenging family dynamics, small steps and consistent care can make a big difference in a child’s growth and resilience.
Read next: “My Mom Refused to Be Called Grandma, and My 6-Year-Old’s Response Was Unforgettable”