I Refused to Forgive My Husband for Insulting Me, Instead I Took Revenge on Him

Feeling unseen or unappreciated by your partner is, sadly, a common feat in relationships, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt. One woman, who dressed up to feel desirable, was instead insulted by her husband for her dress sense. Her reaction made the situation worse, and she herself admits that she intended to hurt him. Though she regrets her actions, she doesn’t know what else she could’ve done.

A bad start to a good vacation

My husband and I went on a two-week vacation. One night, we were getting ready for a fancy dinner. I slipped into a tight black dress I hadn’t worn in years. Feeling unsure, I asked, “Do I look okay?” My husband laughed and said, “You’re not twenty anymore. Just wear jeans.” It felt like a slap. But I didn’t change.

At dinner, I purposefully flirted with the waiter—nothing serious. He complimented my dress. I smiled wider than I should have, laughed a little too loudly. My husband noticed. On the walk back, he snapped, “You made a fool of yourself flirting like that.” I turned to him and said, “Now you know how it feels to be embarrassed.”

Later that night, he apologized, but only after I said I might fly home early. Now things feel tense. Like we’ve both crossed lines. Was I immature for how I reacted? What would you do if you felt more appreciated by strangers than your own partner?

Dear reader, thank you for your letter. We hope the advice below will help you navigate this tense situation.

You’re not immature — just hurt.

They say hurt people hurt people — and your story sounds like a typical case. Your feelings were hurt when your husband put you down rather than complimented you, as you probably hoped. So you sought the validation that he was supposed to give you from someone else, to try to reclaim the confidence that your husband had bruised.

You responded badly because he showed contempt towards you and that, according to relationship psychologist Dr. John Gottman, is a sign of emotional disconnection, not poor character. Your husband’s comment, “You’re not twenty anymore” may have felt dismissive or age-shaming, even if it wasn’t intended that way. So when someone you love and trust undermines your sense of worth, it’s natural to want to reassert it.

But while his response showed a lack of respect, your reaction revealed the cracks in your communication skills, because instead of addressing him about how you felt, you chose to communicate your hurt, by intentionally hurting him back and two wrongs have never made a right. You’re both adults, so understanding how destructive this pattern of criticism and retaliation is to your relationship, is important.

Break the toxic cycle.

You’ve both expressed your hurt, now it’s time to be vulnerable. Put the walls down and actually be honest — tell your husband exactly how his comment made you feel and why you reacted the way that you reacted. Don’t say it to accuse him, but rather to build deeper communication with him and to invite him to do the same.

This conflict has already ruined your vacation, but it doesn’t have to break your relationship. Both of you have to sit down and figure out how to communicate honestly but respectfully with each other.

Here are some steps on how to have a healthy talk after a fight:

• Make sure you’re calm enough to address it.
• Check in with your husband to make sure he’s ready to address it too. You both have to be in a good space, not an angry one.
• Own your wrong doing. This isn’t a blame game, it’s an evaluation, and you need to understand where you went wrong or how you made the situation worse.
• Allow your partner to share their thoughts or what they would like to hear from you to believe they are appreciated by you, then you do the same.
• If you both saw the situation differently, use this as an opportunity to learn how you each view things, and grow from there.

Don’t make impulsive decisions.

It’s understandable that you feel like flying home early. But rash decisions that are made in emotional pain often bring more regret than relief. Consider taking some time to cool-off.

Therapy—individual or couples—can help unpack these feelings with clarity and compassion. Sometimes a neutral third party is what a relationship needs to reset.

But for now, be on the same page about deciding to enjoy the rest of your vacation. You can’t ruin something you both intentionally decide to enjoy.

There’s nothing wrong with wanting to feel desirable, loved, and respected by your spouse. But those needs should be met within your marriage, not outside of it.

Vulnerability and intimacy comes not just from being loved, but from being heard. And if you’re both willing to hear and understand each other again, this could be a turning point, not an end.

Marriages all come with their own challenges and conflict. Check out this story of a couple who thought they were on the same page about having an open marriage, but when things started happening, it revealed how much they really weren’t.