Some conversations at work stay harmless. Others somehow end up in HR’s inbox. One of our readers learned this the hard way after casually mentioning she doesn’t want kids — a comment that sent a certain coworker into full meltdown mode. Here’s what happened.
Why can't people just do their jobs and leave personal crap at home? It's mo ones business if you don't want kids. I'd look for another job. HR does not have your back. In fact HR and the baby loving woman will be after you. My 2 kids are 5 years apart. A co worker said I was dumb and why did I wait and I said " my dog gets in the way". I laughed but HR didn't. Nothing happened to the broadcasters who wanted to know about my sex life.
So I (29F) told my coworkers I’m child-free. Not in a dramatic “announcement” way — it came up during lunch when someone asked if I ever planned on having kids. I said, “No, not for me,” and that was it... or so I thought.
Apparently, it wasn’t.
One coworker, Linda (38F), took it personally. She has three kids and talks about them nonstop. Whatever — her life. But after I said I didn’t want kids, she started making little comments like, “Must be nice to be selfish,” or “You’ll change your mind when you grow up,” even though I am, in fact, a full adult with a mortgage.
I ignored it until last month when she asked me to cover her shifts “because you don’t have kids and have more free time.” I said no and told her having children was her choice, not a scheduling cheat code.
She did NOT like that.
She lost it. The next day, she cornered me in the break room, calling me “anti-mother” and saying people like me ruin “family-oriented workplaces.” I told her to stop harassing me and walked out.
She reported me to HR.
HR pulled me in with a stack of “statements” from her mom-friends claiming I was hostile toward parents. Security footage and chat logs told the real story — Linda had been trying to dump work on “the child-free girl” for months. HR wrote her up hard.
The wild part? HR then asked me to help fix the workload policy. Linda showed up crying, saying I’d made her feel like a bad mom. HR shut her down: “This is about boundaries, not motherhood.” She avoids me now. Honestly? Huge upgrade.
Sincerely,
X.
Finally HR helped a child free person. Listen if kids aren't for you don't have them that's no one's business.
Choosing not to have kids is not selfish; it's being self aware. I like kids but knew when I was 15 that I didn't want that lifestyle. I did want a demanding career and went on to become a family physician. It turned out I wasn't able to have kids anyway so clearly God had other plans for me.
I always find it interesting that this type of conflict is between women (mother vs childless) but never men. Linda didn't go around finding out what men don't have/ want kids and try to badger them into giving up time off. And it's never father's being belligerent over not getting time off for their kids. Such a weird phenomenon.
Oh men get it too. My husband had a coworker that would shove her call back time on to him because her kids "had a game/activity". She thought he should be happy to take her callback because I was a stay at home mom. I finally told her that "the kids schedules all come out at the first of the year/season so her kids games/activities were NOT a "surprise" so she could either do her own callback or not take call at all because I was sick of my husband missing our kids activities because she couldn't adult and manage her schedule".
Yeah, and this WEIRD PHENOMENON has been the STATUS QUO forever.
I used to work in a job where vacation was awarded based on the date submitted, i.e. first come, first served (seniority only kicked in only if too many people put for the same time at the same time; however, no late bumping was allowed). I always put in my request at the earliest opportunity and took the week between Christmas and New Year. Later, I would be constantly badgered by my mom-coworkers who actually put in for the time months after I had reserved it: "But I have children, I need that week off." I constantly had to say "If you'd put in for it right away ... Did that week change from last year? Did the signup policy change?" I still got constant whining. HR would sometimes ask if I would switch but I never would and they knew they couldn't force it.
What mom-coworkers refuse to acknowledge is that even childless coworkers have families or make plans!
Exactly. While children do grow up and have more activities, our parents are getting older and less active. This means that, children or not, WE need to spend time with THEM TOO. Being child free, doesn't mean "I will work for you and ignore my parents".
I see childless young adults often these days. Yes child raising is challenging and its todays choice and one could argue either decision is selfish. For one to think being childless means you can take other responsibilities is wrong though. Like it or not we are here to provide for a successful future for our society no just serve yourself. I really enjoy my grandchildren and the contributions my children have have made and the people I've met through all of them. I pray your life choice of today work for your senior years.
I'm honestly confused by your reply. It doesn't seem like you're suggesting that you need kids/ grandkids to care for you in old age, which is good since that's not how it works in western culture, but it seems like you're saying that they won't be able to meet interesting/ worthy people if they don't have grandkids? There's other ways to meet people...
I think that he was just HIGHLIGHTING what worked for HIM. Like the rest of us, he is giving HIS take on the situation.
I had a coworker about a year or two older than me. She'd gone through a bad divorce with a cheating husband. I actually helped her get the job. She was a hard worker, a nice lady, but kind of a nervous person. She once told me she did not join the church choir because it was just too much pressure. She was also a very competent and dependable employee.
She remarried a few years later to a nice guy who was a registered nurse. People would ask her if she was going to have kids and she would say NO. She did not feel like she was calm enough to raise children. She was, however, an excellent aunt to her brother's children and her husband's nieces and nephews.
That was about 35 years ago and she and her husband are still happily married, debt-free and live in a very nice home. She made the right choice for them.
Nobody should tell another person they have to have a child. And Nobody should have children with the expectation that everybody else is supposed to give them special privileges.
This. Also, since OP didn't go into why they don't want kids (and she shouldn't have to), i can say i don't because of family medical history for both my husband and myself. There's things we don't want to pass on or risk passing on. Never judge someone for their choices when the full story is none of your business, like when you're just coworkers.
"Linda showed up crying, saying I’d made her feel like a bad mom" == Reply to her "Always has been"
Meh, just seeing her self-destruct ? Why don't you record her act and spread it around her neighbors and family. Make her regret for ever trying to trouble you ?
It's nice to read about an HR POLICY, that ACTUALLY takes into account ALL the WORKERS RIGHTS. Being a PARENT IS A CHOICE, NOT A MANDATE OR SOME GROWN UP REQUIREMENT. MAYBE if some of these parents WEREN'T PARENTS, they would not be so stressed out, or bitchy or tired ALL THE TIME. Children are a blessing and they should ALWAYS BE WANTED, BUT ALSO PREPARED FOR. Saying that you are A MOTHER OR FATHER, does not give you carte balance to foist your responsibility at your job, off on someone who doesn't have kids. It is no one else's fault that YOU didn't use birth control. If you are THAT SELFISH, YOUR KIDS are going to grow up neglected or entitled. Just because you CAN HAVE A CHILD, DOESN'T MEAN THAT YOU SHOULD. GOOD FOR HR IN THIS ONE.
Voluntarily choosing not to have children — being child-free — is a conscious, intentional decision. The word “childfree” has been around for more than a century, but it became widely recognized during the women’s liberation movements of the 1970s.
Today, more women around the world are deciding not to become mothers, especially in highly developed countries. Across Europe, nations like Austria, Spain, and the U.K. report some of the highest rates of childlessness among women in their early forties.
But the path to that choice isn’t always straightforward. Some women have children out of pressure or fear — fear of judgment, fear of loneliness, fear of missing out — not because they genuinely want to be parents. Therapists say they meet women who are absolutely certain they want kids, absolutely certain they don’t, and many more who feel torn between both realities.
For those in the middle, the decision can feel like an internal tug-of-war. It requires learning to separate your own desires from society’s expectations, cultural norms, and the voices of family and friends. It also means looking at the past — how childhood experiences, trauma, or emotional neglect may be influencing how you feel about motherhood today.
The more honestly you explore those influences, the clearer your decision becomes.
Being child-free isn’t the “easy way out.” It’s a thoughtful choice that requires self-awareness, courage, and time. Giving yourself permission to question what you truly want is one of the most respectful things you can do for yourself — and for any future child who might otherwise become part of a life chosen out of fear instead of desire.
Many people rely on something to stay sharp at work—whether it’s a double espresso, anxiety meds, or ADHD prescriptions. But research shows we often judge coworkers for using the exact same tools we quietly depend on ourselves.
According to a study in the Journal of Consumer Research, people tend to view their own aids as justified “enhancements,” while assuming others are cheating or less capable. In competitive environments like the workplace, that bias becomes stronger.
This double standard creates stigma—where honesty about needing help can backfire socially or professionally, even in a workplace full of quiet enhancers. The reality? Most people get help. We just pretend we don’t.
So you can be judged for the decisions you’ve made while others are still hesitating.
And until we recognize that, we’ll keep punishing others for being honest about the very things we hide ourselves.
