I Want a Divorce Even Though My Husband Is Theoretically the “Perfect” Man

Sometimes, what starts out as the perfect love story ends in a routine full of physical and mental exhaustion. There are many reasons for this to happen, but one user took to TikTok to talk about what made her want to put an “end to what she thought was the perfect marriage.” Now, her story is an example of how it is possible to save yourself from divorce when there is a real desire to change.

This is her story.

My husband and I have been together for almost 20 years, but about three years ago, I seriously considered getting a divorce. And I want to tell you why. So I will tell you the story of the day I said to myself: “Maybe I don’t want to do this anymore.”

My husband and I have four children. We both work full-time and have been together for 16 years, since high school. And on paper, I have an amazing husband. He’s kind, loyal, and a great father. He’s involved, he participates, in theory, he’s always there. What more could I ask for?

In reality, though, my experience is very similar to other women’s. I have this wonderful husband who is, on paper, a great father. I have this wonderful husband who, on paper, is great, but I was very frustrated and tired because of our marriage and motherhood.

Because what happens with a lot of us is that we get married to these great men, and we have an amazing relationship, and then we have children. And when we have children, women tend to carry a disproportionate burden of housework, child-rearing, and the mental burden of it all. This is exactly what happened to us.

Every night we make dinner, and he asks me what he needs to do. Every morning, he drops the kids off at daycare and asks me what to pack. I told him, “I am the manager of this house, and I need you to do more things.”

And he looked at me and said, “Okay, just tell me what I need to do, all right?” All of us women have heard this. “Just tell me what to do, and I’ll do it.”

And I said, “Okay. One thing that would make my life easier is if, in the mornings, when I come down (since I spend the mornings alone for a while), the dishwasher is empty, the dishes are set out, and you’ve removed the rubbish. That would make my life so much easier, because when I have four kids running around and the baby is crying, I can’t be looking for someone’s favorite glass in the dishwasher, I just need to know that it’s clean.”

He said he would do it and it wouldn’t be a problem. But then I had to remind him, and he would forget, and I had to remind him again. Until one morning, I woke up and went to put something in the trash can, and it was overflowing. And I went to get my son’s glass, and it was in the dishwasher with all the other clean dishes. And I felt so unseen and belittled, and offended at that moment.

And I remember I sent a text message to my husband. I wrote to him: “What happened? Why didn’t you do what I asked you to do?” His response was, “Sorry, I was late for work.”

And I remember thinking, “My God, he doesn’t even see me, because what he’s done now is going to make me late for work. And he doesn’t care about that. He doesn’t care about the impact this has on me. And he doesn’t realize that every single thing that happens in our home only happens because I ask it, or because I do it, or I plan and organize it.”

The nappy bag is full because I filled it, right? I put the wipes in there. I felt so frustrated. And I remember thinking, “What’s the point of this? What’s the point of doing this with someone else? I could just do it by myself.”

And it wasn’t because my husband didn’t love me, or did anything to me, and it wasn’t because I didn’t love him, but because I felt like he was taking advantage of me in our relationship.

And this dynamic doesn’t happen by accident, does it? It’s not something that “my husband did to me.” It’s that we’ve grown up in this society that tells men and women who they should be in marriage and what a good mom and dad should look like. And we know that the standard is very high for moms, and very low for dads. We fall into these norms, these roles within our family, even when we didn’t want to.

I am lucky. And I say that because I have a partner who I know loves me and wants me to be happy, who set out to change, and did. We did all the work to figure out what fairness should look like within our relationship.

And I can say now, three years later, that we are happier than ever. Our kids are thriving, our house is running like a well-oiled machine, and that took a lot of work. It took about 18 months, and it has been worth it, but this situation is not uncommon.

So if your wife comes to you and says, “I’m exhausted by the mental load and I need you to be more involved,” she’s not just saying that because she wants you to do more housework. She’s saying it because it’s something that could really hurt your relationship; it could ruin your marriage if you don’t participate equally at home.

What does it look like in practice? What does it really mean to change these dynamics? We need to take a serious look at how work is distributed in our households.

Because in most cases, and the data supports this, women carry a disproportionate share of the work. They do the cooking, cleaning, laundry, and childcare, while at the same time having a full-time job. Whereas men have more opportunity to explore their hobbies, like golf, for example, or just exercise, like running a marathon...

So we need to have that tough conversation about what our schedule looks like, what work at home looks like, and what kind of work is being invisible. We need to talk about these kinds of things, because when we don’t, the other alternative is to no longer have a marriage, or at least not a happy one.

I share this story because I don’t think I’m the only one with this experience, and I want people to know that there is hope. If you have a partner who is willing and committed, together you can change this. You can change this dynamic.

How to have a healthier marriage.

To have a lasting and, above all, respectful marriage, it is not enough to love your partner very much. Like any other relationship, it requires constant effort to maintain harmony in the home. Here are some points to consider if you want to improve the dynamics in your relationship:

• Communication is one of the keys to a healthy marriage. It is important to express what we truly feel clearly and in a respectful way.
• It’s okay not to agree on everything. Everyone has a different way of seeing the world and doing things, but it’s important to find the middle ground where you both feel comfortable and appreciated.
• Learn to make time for yourself. Quality time with yourself is just as important as quality time with your partner. Remember that pampering and taking care of yourself can be a way to relax and avoid focusing on the mental fatigue that builds up at home.

When people get married, they hope for many years of happiness, but not everyone manages to keep a warm relationship. Couples who continue to love and support each other years later have their own time-tested ways to keep the fire burning in the family hearth.