My Pregnant Girlfriend Wants to Be a Stay-at-Home Mom, and I Have to Change Her Mind

Family & kids
month ago

Being a stay-at-home parent is undoubtedly one of the most challenging jobs, but it often remains unrecognized and undervalued. All of that being said, having a parent stay home is not always the best choice for couples. A man had a disagreement with his girlfriend when she told him she’d like to quit her job to take care of their future child. He believes he has good reasons to object to his partner’s wish.

A man shared his dilemma on Reddit.

My (29M) girlfriend (23F) Emily and I have been dating for four years and have lived together since last October.

She graduated from college last year and was able to get a job that paid an okay salary for an entry-level position. She didn’t like the job too much, but she mentioned that it had good opportunities for promotions and would look good on her resume, so she hoped to move on to more interesting work that she is more passionate about soon.

This January, my girlfriend became pregnant with a girl by accident. It was unplanned, and we considered abortion but decided to keep the baby. We have since been preparing for the birth. We have good relationships with both my and her parents, and both sets of parents have said they would be willing to babysit our daughter for free.

Recently, my girlfriend told me that she would like to quit her job after the baby is born to be a stay-at-home mom. Her reasons for doing so were:

  1. She is getting very attached to our baby even though it’s not born yet, and the idea of dropping her off with a babysitter, even if that babysitter is one of our parents who we know will take good care of it, makes her want to cry.
  2. Her mom was a SAHM, which allowed her to have home-cooked meals every day and do lots of fun stuff that she couldn’t do with a babysitter. She wants to provide the same experience for our daughter.
  3. She no longer likes her job and is unsure if she even wants to continue down the same career path. She regrets her major in accounting and wishes she had majored in something she is passionate about instead of something that just makes good money.
  4. I recently got a promotion to a supervisory position in my company that came with a pay raise of nearly forty thousand dollars, so I can afford to support her and our daughter.
  5. She didn’t say it, but one of her friends recently gave birth and became a SAHM, so I’m sure that influenced her decision.

I said no for a few reasons:

  1. We were planning to buy a house in the next couple of years, and with me being the only one working, that would set us back by years in getting one.
  2. I grew up poor. During my entire childhood, I only went to the movie theater a couple of times because my parents could not afford to take me out to do fun stuff like that often, for example. I got a new pair of shoes once a year and bought my clothes from Walmart.
    With both our incomes, we have been able to enjoy a very nice lifestyle. We both drive nice new cars, go shopping, or to nice restaurants or the movies regularly, and have also been on some nice trips and vacations. With only one income, we would have to curtail our spending by a lot. My GF brought this up, but I don’t really want to.
    With both of us working, we can keep our current lifestyle even after the baby. There are many things I still want to do and places I want to go to. And we would have to put all our life plans on hold for several years, since my income alone would not be enough. So we would have to wait until I got even more raises, or saved for a long time.
  3. I just don’t want the pressure of being the only person to provide for my family
  4. Most people don’t like their jobs, from what she told me, she mainly just does not like her boss and finds the work boring. My mom had to work a physically difficult job while I was a baby. So compared to her and many other women my girlfriend has it easy. Sometimes you just have to suck up having a job you don’t like.

Also, while telling her no, I might have said that the reason why she was feeling so attached to the baby was pregnancy hormones, and they would soon pass. So yeah, not my best choice of words. I mentioned this to my friends and my family.

I’ve been told by some people that a true man provides for his family. And that I’m evil for wanting to separate a mother from her baby when I could afford to let her stay home. So am I wrong?

The commenters were on the poster’s side and understood where he was coming from.

  • “This whole post shows how woefully unprepared you and your girl are for having a kid. Good luck, OP.” traumatic_blumpkin / Reddit
  • “OP I’d say figure something out before that baby is born, or you’ll end up like the couples who hate each other and stay together years ‘for the kids’ they never discussed about having and raising.” asupernova91 / Reddit
  • “What she is painting is a stay at home mom who has a full-time nanny. I don’t think she knows that. I have seen marriages like this, but they have a full-time nanny from the day that kid comes home.
    She does not get up at night. Mom can sleep, work out, spend 5 hours making pasta and sauce from scratch because someone else is there to grab the baby.” DaniRoo88 / Reddit
  • “You guys aren’t married, and so she has 0 protection for herself if you decide you want to leave. She needs to understand the real possibility that people break up, especially after the intense stress a new child brings.” Snappy_McJuggs / Reddit
  • “All your reasons aside, I wouldn’t EVER advise a woman to have a child and be a SAHM to a man she’s not married to. The legal security is not there, if you pass away suddenly in an accident, she’ll be in a bad spot, and with a huge gap in her resume.” bbbriz / Reddit
  • I just don’t want the pressure of being the only person to provide for my family. I think a lot of people neglect this aspect when it comes to having one parent be stay-at-home full-time. If the family is relying on one income for all expenses, it puts an immense amount of pressure on the working partner to keep their job.” ChanceAd3606 / Reddit
  • “How about a compromise where she stays home for the first year, and then goes part-time. You two can reassess after a year or two.” ethankeyboards / Reddit
  • “Both you and your girlfriend are underestimating the effect that a child will have on your lives. There is no chance she is going to be able to keep any of the promises she’s making. That being said, I’m guessing it’d be even worse if she continues to go to work.
    Also, she is not being fair to herself regarding the work split. Her job is high quality childcare for the time you are at work and when you get off, maintaining the household continues to be both of your responsibilities.” loudent2 / Reddit

Being a stay-at-home mom comes with many challenges. A woman candidly shared that keeping the home clean can be very overwhelming, but the self-declared 'lazy mom' got many mixed reactions.


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