They Turned Their Backs on Me—Here’s How I Finally Got Even

As an adult, setting boundaries with your parents can feel a bit like pulling out teeth — extremely frustrating. But being expected to give up something you love for people that only see you when they want something from you, can be rather difficult to handle, especially if those people are your parents.

On one hand, they’re your family, but on the other hand, your own well-being is at stake. What would be an appropriate reaction? One man shared his story.

A tale of two brothers

I spent my 20s living in my truck, scraping by on any job I could find, until I saved enough to buy a modest house. My parents never supported me. They favored my brother.

So I was stunned when they appeared unannounced with an outrageous demand: they want me to hand over my house to my brother. Turns out, my brother is struggling, since he and his wife have another baby coming soon (the third), and my place is much bigger than what they could afford.

They acted like it was no big deal. They said, “You already have your old camper truck, so you can just go back to living there. Family comes first, and your brother has more important needs than you do.” I was speechless for a second. All I could think of was the years I spent living in that tiny camper, freezing in winter, working nonstop to get where I am.

I struggled alone.

I never thought I’d make it. During my twenties, I was working odd jobs, sleeping in a small camper attached to the back of my pickup. But I kept pushing. Bit by bit, I saved up. It wasn’t glamorous, and it definitely wasn’t easy.

My brother, on the other hand, has always been a bit... irresponsible with money. And my parents always paid off his credit card debts, but couldn’t lend me money.

Get out!

With all of this in mind, I told them no. Calmly at first, I said, “I’m sorry, but I’m not giving up the house I worked so hard for.” My parents looked offended. They claimed I was being selfish, that I was turning my back on family.

I tried to explain my side, how I built this life from scratch, with zero help. But they just wouldn’t hear it. Finally, I had enough. I told them they had to leave.

They started yelling and said I couldn’t do that to them. But I stood my ground. I opened the door and told them to please go. They left in a huff, threatening to never forgive me.

Caught between my feelings and my parents

Part of me feels guilty, but another part of me knows I did the right thing. I worked my tail off to have a stable life, and I’m not about to throw it all away because my parents suddenly believe “family comes first.”

If that was truly how they felt, they would have tried helping me when I needed.

Thank you for sharing! Here’s what we have to say:

You built this.

Your feelings matter too. You’ve built your life from the ground up and to be expected to give up something that you’ve worked so hard to attain, even if it’s for family, would understandably upset most people, if not everyone. After all, it was your resilience and hard work that got you your house, and protecting what you’ve worked for isn’t selfish — it’s setting a boundary.

For your family to spring this on you, without considering your standpoint or feelings, speaks to how the dynamics in your family have been since you were a child. And those dynamics do not make you happy, and they clearly made an emotional impact on your life. But now you’re older, and you’re using your power to build a relationship that better suites you.

Despite your brother’s past financial irresponsibility, your parents still support him. They want you to enable his actions like they’ve been doing his whole life. But you are not responsible for his decisions, and he isn’t deserving of the rewards that come with yours — even if he thinks so.

From undervalued to valued

Dealing with feeling undervalued and overlooked due to your family prioritizing your brother over you, can make you feel resentful and angry. But here are some steps that you can take to gain your confidence and help you change the unfair dynamics in your family, and you’re already doing one of them.

1. Saying no. Your brother is used to being entitled, and you’re putting your foot down and refusing to give up your house for him will help your family know that you aren’t a pushover.

2. Though you feel undervalued in your family, look at the other areas of your life or relationships, such as your work or your friendships, where you feel appreciated.

3. Change the way that you think. Especially if your thoughts are severely negative, i.e. believing that you’re undervalued by everyone and nobody sees you. Remind yourself of moments when you were appreciated to make yourself feel better

4. Speak to a professional. Constantly feeling unappreciated may make your relationships, even those outside of family, to suffer, so seek help if it’s severe — family therapy might help.

Dealing with feelings

To be seen only when you’re needed is not a good feeling, and it can cause you to believe that you’re unworthy to be seen, but that is not the truth — you deserve to be valued and seen as much as anyone else, and you also deserve everything that you’ve worked for.

Dealing with guilt after saying no is okay. It could be because you’re scared to lose your family over this issue after they blackmailed you. Or it could indicate that you feel responsible for both your parents and your younger brother — which, as the oldest sibling, is common. Whatever the reason may be, it doesn’t justify you giving them your house, especially if you’re being guilt-tripped into doing it.

Possible solutions

It might help to step back and consider how you want your relationship with your family to look in the future. You do not owe them your house, but if keeping some kind of connection with them is important to you, then you could try to communicate your feelings in a way that leaves the door open for healthier interactions.

If your family refuses to respect you, then walking away may be the best choice. But in the end, standing up for yourself is not a betrayal, it’s a sign of growth. You’ve already shown that you are responsible and independent, now, it’s about making sure others respect that, too.

Check out one woman who felt undervalued by her husband’s gift.