10 Ways to Spot Manipulative Friends That Leave You Drained

It’s subtle, but so effective, you might not even know you’re being controlled. Manipulation in a friendship that you once believed could stand through thick and thin, may be hard to spot. But if you know what to look for, you might find that the doubt you had is actually valid. Below are the subtle signs of a manipulative friend, that may help you evaluate the realness of your friendship.

1. They flatter you instead of complimenting you.

There’s a difference, and it’s all in the intention. A compliment has no ulterior motive behind it, while flattery is a façade of kindness that seems good, but a person is actually using it to get something out of another person. This is usually the first step of manipulation, according to experts, and it can be dangerous, because if a person whom you consider to be a friend can manipulate you, they can control your actions and thoughts.

Why is this harmful?

• While a genuine compliment from a friend can improve your mental health, a disingenuous one doesn’t — it might even leave you feeling confused.

How to know?

• Flattery comes from self-interest, while a genuine compliment comes from a place of humility.
• A genuine compliment is sincere, people can often tell when it’s fake or forced.
• A compliment that focuses on meaningful, unique, or important traits makes it more believable and powerful.

2. They don’t empathize with you.

Manipulative friends usually show little care for how you feel. They may ignore your emotions, minimize what you’re going through, or seem uninterested when you open up about something that matters to you.

When someone doesn’t show empathy, it can leave you feeling ignored, undervalued, and emotionally exhausted.

3. They always make you feel guilty.

The friend makes you feel bad or guilty to get their way. According to therapist Jason Drake, this usually means the person brings up things they’ve done for you to pressure you into doing something for them.

It can sound like: “You owe me,” “I deserve this” or “If you don’t....then I won’t...”

They use guilt to control you into getting their way.

4. They are unreliable to your life.

They want you to show up to their things, but every time you need them for yours, they say they’ll be there but never are. When someone often breaks promises or doesn’t keep their word, it can make you feel let down and like they don’t really care or respect you.

5. They lie without any regard for you.

Are you always catching your friend in a lie? Manipulative friends often use lies to influence or pressure others. They might also lie to shift blame or escape the consequences of what they’ve done.

6. They make you doubt your abilities.

They try to make you question your abilities instead of encouraging or motivating you. If someone constantly tells you that you’re not capable or don’t get it, you might eventually start to believe them, and that can take a toll on your confidence and your well-being. Manipulators use this tactic to discourage you from taking action.

7. They bring in a third person to take their side.

This is called triangulation — when someone brings a third person into a conflict instead of dealing with the issue directly with the person involved. This is often done to avoid taking responsibility or to avoid losing an argument.

How to Deal With It:

• Recognizing triangulation is the first step. When it happens, try not to get pulled in.
• Set clear boundaries to protect yourself.

8. They love bomb you.

Your friend can overwhelm you with too much attention, gifts, compliments, or affection very quickly in the friendship. And at first, it feels amazing and exciting. But it’s over-the-top and can take over your time and emotions. As therapist Holland explains, once you’re hooked, that attention may suddenly stop, leaving you feeling confused and chasing after it.

Wanting to feel loved and appreciated in a friendship is normal, so you shouldn’t blame yourself if you’ve experienced this. The other person is at fault for using that desire to their advantage.

To protect yourself from love bombing:

• Keep spending time with friends and family.
• Stay involved in your own hobbies and interests.
• Check in with yourself to make sure the friendship feels healthy and true to your values.

9. They set you up for failure.

Manipulative people sometimes keep changing what they expect from you, no matter how hard you try to please them. It’s like chasing a goal that keeps moving — you end up feeling tired, frustrated, and like you’re never good enough, because with them, you never really win.

To protect yourself:

• Believe in your own worth.
• Focus on what you need and want.
• Step back when you feel drained.
• Know your own values and goals.
• And remind yourself that you’re human, doing your best, and that is enough.

10. They invalidate your feelings.

Your friend may control you by brushing off your questions or worries. This helps them stay in control and limit what you know or decide. They may also turn the conversation back to themselves when you’re upset, making your problems or opinions seem unimportant. They avoid your feelings and try to make it all about them.

If something doesn’t feel right, and you’re being treated in a way that doesn’t feel good to you, then you should probably listen to your gut feeling.

How to avoid being manipulated.

Manipulation can be sneaky, but here are some simple ways to protect yourself:

• Learn the warning signs: Be aware of the signs of manipulation and how the person makes you feel.
• Watch your emotions: Friends who are manipulators often try to stir up your feelings. Try not to let them control how you react.
• Stay cool: Don’t let them upset you. Keeping calm helps you stay in control.
• Don’t take it personally: It’s not really about you. They may just not know how to ask for what they need in a healthy way.
• Listen carefully: Instead of getting angry, try to understand what they really want. This helps you respond wisely.
• Set boundaries: Stand your ground, politely but firmly. If you don’t give in, they’ll usually stop trying.
• Talk to someone: Dealing with manipulation can be exhausting. Share what’s going on with someone you trust—they can support you and give helpful advice.

Some friendships are healthier than others, and celebrating true friends is what we love to do. Check out these friendships and the moments they passed the test of time.