I Agreed to Adopt My SIL’s Baby — but Her Real Motive for Giving Him Up Broke My Heart

Family & kids
month ago
I Agreed to Adopt My SIL’s Baby — but Her Real Motive for Giving Him Up Broke My Heart

Many individuals face tough decisions when family expectations clash with personal values. Olivia’s story highlights the emotional and moral dilemma of adopting a child while being asked to keep a life-altering secret. This story sheds light on the importance of honesty, setting boundaries, and protecting one’s values.

Olivia’s letter:

Hey Bright Side!

I’m Olivia, 29, and I’ve been married to my husband, Travis (30), for a few years now. We don’t have kids yet, but we’ve always known we wanted to adopt. It was always a part of our plan. And when my sister-in-law, Alisha, found out she was pregnant, we didn’t hesitate to offer our support.

She just gave birth, and as we were talking about the future, Alisha made it clear she wants us to adopt the baby. I was overwhelmed with emotion; we were excited, nervous, but above all, we wanted to help. The thing is, she asked us to make a promise that took me completely off guard.

Alisha told me the real reason she’s giving up the baby isn’t because the father disappeared, but because she’s terminally ill. She doesn’t expect to live more than a year or two longer.

And then she said something that has been haunting me: she insists that we never tell the baby the truth about her illness or the family history. She said she doesn’t want the child to see her as a “victim.”

I understand that Alisha’s in a really tough spot, but I’m honestly struggling with this request. I can’t help but feel like she’s asking us to hide a huge part of who the baby is—hide a whole part of his family, his history, and the reality of why he was adopted in the first place.

I mean, what happens when the truth inevitably comes out? How do we explain it then? And more importantly, how do I make this promise to her when I know it feels wrong?

Amy
month ago

Tell her what she needs to hear. The baby will only be 2 when she passes. Once the child knows he's adopted you can tell him what you want.

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I want to support Alisha through this, but I also don’t want to set the baby up for a life of confusion and, eventually, resentment. Am I being too harsh? Is it wrong for me to want to be honest about the family history, even if it’s not what Alisha wants? I’m struggling to figure out how to handle this without betraying her or my own values.

Any advice would mean the world right now.

Thanks so much,
Olivia

Hey Olivia, thank you for sharing your story—what you’re facing is incredibly tough, and it’s clear you’re trying to navigate some really complicated emotions. You deserve to have space to think things through without feeling like you’re caught in a difficult spot. Here are some thoughts that might help you figure out what feels right.

  • You can set boundaries without losing love — It’s not about rejecting Alisha or her baby. You can still love her and want to support her, but that doesn’t mean sacrificing your own values in the process. Protecting the truth about the baby’s family history isn’t something to take lightly. It’s okay to feel conflicted, but you can also choose to be honest, especially when it comes to something that’s going to affect the child’s entire life.
  • Don’t promise something you’re uncomfortable with — Making promises like this is big, and if it doesn’t sit right with you, it’s okay to say no. You don’t owe it to Alisha to uphold something that goes against your instincts or morals. You can be there for her emotionally, but you don’t have to commit to something that will compromise your integrity in the long run.
  • You’re not responsible for keeping secrets — Alisha is dealing with an incredibly difficult situation, but that doesn’t mean you should carry the weight of keeping such a significant secret. The truth has a way of coming out, and it’s unfair to put that burden on you and Travis. The baby deserves to know who they are, even if the reality is painful. That doesn’t make you any less compassionate—it makes you honest.

There’s no easy answer here, but trust that your instincts are valid. You can still offer your love and support while holding onto your own values. You don’t have to sacrifice what you believe in to help Alisha, and you definitely don’t need to compromise on the truth.

Comments

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Matt Smolensky
month ago

This is a ridiculously tough situation. I understand the mom's request ... I might make the same request myself, I'm not sure. But regardless, I think the course of action is clear.
Morality is complex ... there are times when it's ok, or even morally pure, to lie or even to break a promise. Not usually, but the tough situations are the ones where the complexity of ethics becomes clear.
You should absolutely make the promise and keep it while she is alive. You should also keep the secret as long as the little girl takes to be ready for it, she'll let you know, if you pay attention, when that is. But, when she is ready, you should absolutely break that promise. Your obligation to your living daughter will outweigh a probably 3-7-year-old promise to a, with respect, dead person.
I'd also recommend, if you plan to reveal the secret, that you be upfront with your daughter that she is adopted, just without telling her the details. That way, the truth won't have to be made more traumatic by being coupled with the double-whammy of oh, and also, Mom's not my Mom. Not sure how you'd swing that, or if her mom would be cool with it, but just an idea.

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